Brain Wars: Decoding the Male & Female Mind

EP99: Brain Wars

Erin: Now I know this may come as a little bit of a shock to you, but guess what? Men and women's brains are actually wired differently. It's not a cultural thing. It's not a family upbringing thing or some outdated gender stereotype. Science backs it up. These differences start before we're even born. Thousands of years ago, survival, was literally about staying alive. 

Fast forward and we still see these evolutionary influences and how our brains are built. men evolved, optimized for more spatial awareness and risk assessment. women naturally pick up on emotions Men's are designed to compartmentalize thoughts. Women's are built for verbal expression we need to talk through things, we need to process them. these differences can explain why men and women approach communication, stress, and relationships so differently. If we can stop trying to change each other and start understanding each other, Relationships would be a hell of a lot easier.

Erin: You're listening to after the tones drop. The mental health podcast for first responders.
 
Cinnamon: We're your hosts. I'm Cinnamon, a first responder trauma therapist. 

Erin: And I'm Erin. A first responder integration coach.

Cinnamon: Our show brings you stories from real first responders, the tools they've learned, and the lives they now get to live. 

Erin: Hey there, everyone. Welcome back to After the Tones Drop. It's just me, Erin, today flying solo, and I'm really excited about this episode. I get to use the information that I'm going to share with you today in a lot of my sessions with a lot of my clients in general that I work with.

And feel like this is kind of fitting that I'm flying solo because today we are tackling a topic that might explain about 90 percent of the relationship frustrations that you have. But we'll see.

So this topic today is the difference between male and female brains. Now I know this may come as a little bit of a shock to you, but men and women, guess what? We're wired differently. I mean, think about this. If you've ever been in a relationship or worked alongside the opposite sex, which we all have, or even just had a conversation where you walked away thinking, what in the hell just happened there?

I'm [00:01:00] real lost. I'm real confused. That felt over the top. Well, then congratulations. You've experienced these differences firsthand. And let me just touch on this. It's not a cultural thing. It's not a family upbringing thing or some outdated gender stereotype, which, you know, I want to use caution there when I use the term male and female, you know, this can get a little bit tricky, but just bear with me.

Okay, because here's the thing. Science backs it up. Men and women's brains are actually wired differently. And believe it or not, these differences start before we're even born. Like I'm talking in utero here. So before society had a hand on you before childhood, before maybe your dad taught you how to fix a flat tire, or your mom reminded you to say please and thank you and use your manners.

This is way before that. This is all about. Neurology here, [00:02:00] but before we jump into the science, I really want to kind of rewind backwards and this is my favorite part. And I think this is what helps me understand this in a different kind of way. I had a lot of aha moments when I started researching this and learning more about this by going back in time and I'm talking evolution.

We're thinking like hunter gatherer days back because a lot of these brain differences can be traced to how we survived then. So I'm going to paint this little scene for you. Thousands of years ago, survival, as we know, wasn't about, you know, the crap that we're up against today about meeting deadlines or remembering anniversaries or, or whatever.

It was literally about staying alive. And so most often. And obviously this is theory. This isn't saying women didn't hunt, but most often men were the hunters and their survival depended on tracking the animals, aiming accurately, [00:03:00] staying laser focused on a single goal because, well, if you got distracted by emotions in the middle of hunting, either you'd be dinner or you not have dinner, Which would not go over well once you go back to your cave or your hut.

So this meant that men evolved, with brains optimized for more spatial awareness and risk assessment. And that deep focus and they had to navigate landscapes and track those moving targets like the animals and react quickly to threats that might be coming after them like the bear, which we talk about a lot now, obviously, when we're talking about, fight or flight, we bring up the bear attack.

Well, then it mattered. Now we're not really getting attacked by bears. women, on the other hand, were known to be the gatherers and the caregivers and Their survival depended on scanning for edible plants, keeping the tribe's social bonds connected and [00:04:00] together. So they didn't like, turn against each other and then nurturing the young children who needed that constant care, as well as inviting the men back from war or they're hunting and.

Supporting and shifting the energy before their spouse crossed the line into the threshold, bringing that hunter energy in with them. So what this means is that women evolved with strong communication skills, that emotional intelligence and. multitasking abilities that perhaps men didn't require at the time.

So if you've ever wondered why men zone in on one task, while women seem to have the ability to juggle 20 things at once, or why women naturally pick up on emotions and cues, while men sometimes seem oblivious. Well, you can kind of blame evolution. Um, but here's the [00:05:00] thing. No one is better than the other, right?

So we're going to fast forward to today and talk a little bit more about the sciencey stuff. but also give some examples that you might be like, Oh, okay, I get it. So if we're going to fast forward to today and we still see these evolutionary influences and how our brains are built. Scientists have found that female brains develop more neurological connections before birth, and even a recent MRI study even found that female fetuses have functional brain connectivity. It's almost non existent in males, which is wild to believe. So when you hear that old idea that women are emotional and men are logical, it's not just the social construct, it's biology.

Women have verbal processing centers on both sides of their brain, while men typically [00:06:00] have them only on the left side. If you know anything about the left and right brain, our left brain is more the logical side, where the right brain is more the Creative emotional side of things. 

The other thing that has been discovered isWomen also tend to have larger hippocampuses. So that's the brain's memory storage center, which means we can take in and store more sensory and emotional details, while men rely more on the gray matter, which is the part of the brain responsible for focused problem solving, and that quick decision making.

Women, on the other hand, use more white matter, which connects different parts of their brain, helping with the multitasking, emotional processing, and reasoning. So this is why men tend to hyper focus in on one thing at a time, [00:07:00] while opposingly women can think about everything all at once, which can drive both genders crazy.

So, ladies, for you, this is why you can typically fold laundry, mentally plan tomorrow's meals, answer podcast all at the same time, while your husband, he can't hear a word you're saying because he's watching a Football game been there, done that, right? It's not about selective hearing. It's actual neurology that we're dealing with here.

Now, there might be some selective hearing going on, but for the most part. It's the neurology of everything. And so it's so important ladies, when you want to say something to your spouse, when he's in the middle of something to grab his attention and say, Hey, let me know when you can pause on whatever you're doing so that I can ask you a question, you're going to stand a lot better chance at getting his, full attention.[00:08:00] 

He'll have the ability to be present to what you're saying and then potentially avoid that fight later down the road. Well, I told you. Two days ago, you know, you know how we do. Something I do want to touch on. Is that there are some basic differences in just the sizing of a male and female brains and male and female brains are physically different. But bigger doesn't mean better. So put the ego aside, It's kind of like we're comparing two smartphones, you know, um, depending on the kind of phone you have, one might have a bigger screen, but that doesn't mean it runs faster or has better apps.

It's just they're a different size. Something else is this idea that I like to call the emotional radio. And it's about emotional processing. And so when I say that, what I mean is women's brains tune in to emotional frequencies more clearly.

[00:09:00] Noticing like those cues of facial expressions or tone of voice. How many times have you Heard your spouse say, gentlemen, it's the tone. There's something about your tone. Like, I know I'm guilty of that with my husband. and the reality is that men's radios work just as well, but they need stronger signals.

And so if their tone feels off, it's just this present moment reaction. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong, it just means we tend to pick up on it a little bit. easier. I wanna kind of shift gears a little bit to the wiring. And I like to use this, uh, analogy of bridges versus highways when it comes to male and female brain. imagine a city's road system. Women's brains are built more like a network of the scenic routes and the bridges and the side streets and all that fluffy stuff.

So the information can flow freely from across [00:10:00] various areas. This means that thoughts, emotions, and memories are all connected. Now, if we're looking at men's brains, on the other hand, they're more like this system of direct highways. Okay, so each thought stays in its own lane, traveling on one road at a time.

They're not crisscrossing paths. In case you were wondering, men, this is why women need to talk through their emotions to process them, while you, on the other hand, Tend to sit with your thoughts, maybe in silence before even saying anything. And we know that that causes a lot of conflict, we've seen this happen before because women and men process differently. women will start venting about the stressful day that they've had. And then a man will immediately jump in with, well, just quit your job. Problem solved. And so I want to say that.

[00:11:00] Well, I am a woman and I get how frustrating that can be. You just want to be heard that he's not dismissing you. He's just doing what his brain does and that's solving the problem. so, man, this is for you.

When she's talking about everything that's bothering her and you're sitting there thinking, just tell me what you need me to fix. She's actually not looking for a solution. She's looking for connection. You can even go as far as saying something like, who do you need me to be in this moment?

Do you want me to offer a solution or do you want me just to listen and holy crap, you will blow her socks off because, well, we're not used to that kind of interaction. It's an actual conscious choice that you have to make to inquire what she needs from you men. And. It can make all the difference in the world. now, ladies, how many times have you said to your husband, what are you thinking [00:12:00] about? What's going on? I know you're thinking about something. You seem really, really distracted. You seem down. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know how we do. And then you get the response, nothing. And we've touched on this.

a few episodes ago, which is exactly why I wanted to give you this information and expand on it because believe it or not, there is a nothing box and I want to talk to you about it. don't lose your mind. When you hear that word, nothing, I know, how can anyone possibly be thinking about nothing, right?

Well science says he's actually not lying to you. Men's brains are designed to compartmentalize thoughts. So they have a literal mental space where they can jump in. And go to think about nothing. I know I'm jealous too. [00:13:00] I want one of those, but women's brains, we never stop. It's exhausting. We never stop thinking we can have 57 browser tabs open all at once.

And at least three of them are playing music. We can't find to shut off. So when men retreat into this nothing box, it's not because they're ignoring us. I promise. It feels like it, but it's not. It's because their brains are built to do that. And the worst thing ladies that we can do is storm in demanding answers when they're in mid zone out, it's just not going to work.

It's going to actually drive them into that nothing box more. so when I try to explain the nothing box to people, especially to. And I try to explain the differences between men and women's brains. I look at it like this. It's kind of like men's brains are more like a dresser, [00:14:00] okay? Or a toolbox. So they have certain drawers they can open and get the tools they need or put tools in and then close those drawers.

They have this extra space that's dedicated for stocking up with more spatial awareness and problem solving gear.

Now, women, while they do have toolboxes, I consider us more like a bowl of spaghetti. You know, we can run around in our brains from all different places without having to actively open one drawer, get the tools we need, and then close it. I want to bring all of this up because I think It's important that we can see how and understand how 

 the differences of all of this play out in relationships. there is a great divide. Women's brains, as I said, are built for this verbal expression and we need to talk through things, we need to process them. this is why after a stressful day, we want to talk [00:15:00] about it, every detail, every emotional nuance, what he said, what she said, what they looked like, their facial expressions, every possible alternative ending. You know, like a true crime scene, and then men don't do that. And if they're stressed, they want to do something, they want to fix it or ignore it, build something in the garage.

And if they can't fix it, they're going to go straight to that nothing box. So when women say, can't we talk, a man hears, Oh God, I'm in trouble. And when a man says, everything's fine, a woman hears, obviously he's lying. And I will now spend the next. Five hours trying to figure out what it is to try to decode the situation and think of all of the. To talk about a couple of reasons that I can put into to make sense of why the answer is nothing. 

But these are some of the most basic situations. And if we can understand each other's differences and brains, [00:16:00] it can help with our problem solving.

It can help us in handling stress and emotions and can give us different perspective, when we're in conflict. I am sharing all this information with you and not even considering this new different layer of complexity when we're also dealing with significant amounts of stress and trauma that happened in our lives that also directly affect the way that we process emotion, the way that we cope, the way that we do things We know that the brain differences are already shape how we communicate and connect and then add the effects of stress and trauma and it creates an additional layer that impacts relationships and we've seen it like it can amplify those misunderstandings.

It can intensify the emotions and it can affect how partners give and receive support. So understanding that it's a couple things going on and while you might be like, well. [00:17:00] He's isolated and he's checked out and he keeps telling me that nothing's wrong. That might be because of biology. And that also might be because of the impacts of stress and trauma on the brain.

So being conscious of the possibilities there, I think is really, really important. Understanding, spouses you know, we have. Female responders that have male spouses who aren't responders. So this goes to everybody who is the spouse of a responder. If you're listening, it's so important that you educate yourself on the impacts of stress, on the brain so that you can kind of differentiate, like, is this just man stuff or women's stuff, or is this a little more deep than just that. 

Anyways, this is one of my favorite things to talk about and I love hearing people talk about well, he never listens to me or she's just too emotional blah blah blah Why can't she just leave me alone? Why can't he just talk about his feelings, you [00:18:00] know, because it's like well You're wired differently, friends.

And so at the end of the day, these differences aren't flaws, they're features. they can explain why men and women approach communication, stress, and relationships so differently. Men are wired to focus, solve problems, and compartmentalize. And women are wired to multitask, connect, and process those emotions verbally.

And neither is wrong. They're just different. so guys, next time she vents, just listen, you don't have to fix it. Just be present in that moment. And ladies, next time he zones out, let him, let him, he's not ignoring you. He's likely just visiting the nothing box.

If we can stop trying to change each other and start understanding each other, Relationships would be a hell of a lot easier. I hope this kind of answers some questions [00:19:00] for you today about why different genders do different things. Kind of, tie it up with a pretty little bow for you. Maybe let you off the hook a little bit, you know? thanks for tuning in today. And as always take care of yourself and each other.

Erin: And remember it's not you, it's neurology. See you soon.