Ask Like You Mean It: A Guide to Meaningful Conversations

EP84: Ask Like You Mean It

Erin: [00:00:00] Welcome back to After the Tones Drop, the podcast where we focus on first responder mental health and how this particular community can live a life of thriving. Today we're going to talk about something that's pretty foundational to, well, I'm a wife really. And that's about asking questions.

I'm not talking about the kind of questions. You just toss around without thinking. I'm talking about the ones that open up real conversation. When we're looking at asking effective questions, have you ever asked someone a question that they have misinterpreted? You meant to ask about one thing, but they thought you were asking about something completely different and the situation quickly got out of hand.

That is why we get to be real mindful of how we ask questions and how we choose to communicate, especially, you know, in these more vulnerable times of life, coming off an election season, going into the holiday season. So I'm looking forward to providing some tools for you that [00:01:00] might prove to be really, really useful over the next, for your whole life, but definitely over the next couple of months.

There's this quote, I'm pretty sure Tony Robbins said it. He says, The quality of our lives are determined by the quality of our thinking. The quality of our thinking is determined by the quality of our questions. Questions are the driving forces behind thinking. So without questions, we have nothing to wonder about, nothing to dream about, and nothing to hope for.

Without essential questions, we often fail to focus our thinking on the significance of situations. And coming off the heels of this election, just trust me, this is not a political episode, but more so a human episode. I feel like the timing couldn't be better, right? My experience has been that all over the board, mainly on social media, that emotions are high and everything feels kind [00:02:00] of like this broadcast.

Like everyone's in this broadcast, announcement, proving their point kind of mode. And it's just like these firing of opinions left and right. Here's what I propose. What if instead of just talking or making noise or putting our opinions out there, We got a little more curious, what if we leaned into asking questions that actually connect us?

And so this isn't just about what we see on social media, which is real noisy right now. This is about how you can better communicate and connect with the people in your life, the people closest to you, people at work. Your spouse, your kids, simply by asking effective questions that then connect us. So today I have seven tips for you to try out.

Ways to ask questions that don't just lead to better answers, but might even [00:03:00] bring some calm to our conversations. And wouldn't that be so nice? And no, like I said, this isn't about politics. This is truly about connection and understanding because really the quality of our lives often boils down to. The quality of our questions.

Erin: I mean, without questions, what do we have left to dream about, to talk about, to wonder about? We're limited in like this, all our own little, uh, you know, a fishbowl of information and opportunity and experiences. So my goal today is to give you some real foundational tools that can support you at work, at home.

And definitely out in the world as we progress into changes and embrace what's next for all of us. First thing I want to talk to you about is intent. I think [00:04:00] intent is a great place to start because intent matters. And what I mean by this is every question has a driving force. Are you asking the question because you generally want to help?

Or is it more about proving a point? Let me give you an example. I know that when my husband is in some kind of space and we'll call it stress or just having a hard time that sometimes I feel uncomfortable with the energy of this space. I honestly believe I'm pretty empathic. And I know we hear that word a lot, but.

Because my husband is such a powerful force in this world, his energy really can take up the space. Whether that's he's in a good space or he's having a hard time, his energy can take up the space. So sometimes I will say something like, What's wrong? Or are you okay? And I really, really try hard to [00:05:00] come from a place of genuine compassion and care.

But, I can see how it can come off kind of like, one, you're not okay, are you aware of that? Which Cinnamon says all the time, that's usually what we mean when we ask, are you okay? Or what's wrong? But it occurred to me one day that maybe my come from and the way that I ask my questions can almost come across as like a manipulative thing, like I want you to change your way of being because I am, I'm uncomfortable with it.

And that's just. So, being very clear of what your intent is when you're asking questions is such a key thing to be very, very clear about. I think if you're intentional about the way that you ask a question, like, it's a come from of you're truly trying to understand someone. Your questions will be clearer.[00:06:00] and more impactful. So I want to encourage you 

Erin: before you even open your mouth, just check in with yourself. What's your vibe all about? What are you trying to create? And then be very, very clear. What's my goal here by asking this question to this person? Am I asking this to help them or to serve myself?

Like I was talking about with my husband. Now, once you've got that clear intent, let's talk active listening. Okay. So you've asked your question and active listening, you hear about a lot, especially in any kind of leadership position, so on and so forth, all those types of classes. And yeah, so active listening does sound basic, but trust me, most people miss that part because we ask the question.

And then we are already formulating how we should respond in that moment, and we're not actually giving them our undivided attention to hear what they're saying. So we might be listening [00:07:00] and not hearing a damn thing. So that's something to be mindful of. When you ask a question, actually listen to the answer.

And I know it's super tempting to think about what you're going to say next, but that's how conversations end up in these crazy circles and judgments happen and feelings get hurt and all of that. So by fully listening, you'll catch the deeper meaning and avoid any potential misunderstandings. All right, so tip one, because I said we have seven tips.

So tip one is that intent. Tip two is the active listening portion and now tip three. Check your Assumptions. How's that line go? 

Erin: When you assume you make an ass out of you and me. It's easy It's easy to make guesses about people especially because we have our own Beliefs and and upbringings and whatnot, but assumptions can lead to major [00:08:00] misunderstandings So like you see someone tired and think, Oh, they must not care. Or, uh, when maybe they just had a rough night and you're automatically taking it personally. So ask yourself, do I really know? Or am I just guessing? Am I putting my own interpretation or my own experiences on it? If there's any doubt, seek clarity about it. Instead of assuming that they're tired or assuming that something's off, like be very, very clear and how you direct this conversation and the things that you ask, I can tell you right now that men's brains and women's brains are wired totally different.

 And so. You see this often, especially perhaps in some of your wives or partners that are female. They automatically assume that they did something wrong. So I think it's really important that we are very, very clear and don't make assumptions so that we aren't setting ourselves up or our [00:09:00] partner up or our friends up or our parents or whomever we're speaking to up to lose.

It'd be very, very clear and your question asking. And be very careful to not create assumptions. Alright, here's a big one in these seven tips. Avoid leading questions. What do I mean by that? Okay, a great example of a leading question is something like us saying, Don't you think this is annoying, or say you're following up on a stressful incident at work.

Instead of saying, you must feel exhausted after that long call, right? You could ask, how are you feeling after that call? So asking in this way allows for the individual that you're speaking to, to express their genuine feelings, hopefully, right? Rather than confirming your assumption and [00:10:00] kind of closing off that dialogue. So if we can ask questions in a way that don't begin with us basically giving them the answer, then it's going to open up a more organic, unique dialogue to how the other person might be feeling or what they might be thinking. 

 So they have the opportunity to be more honest, and those are the opportunities where you actually may learn something and learn how someone feels. So instead of saying, you're upset about this, right? Try saying something like, what's going on for you right now? This gives, again, the opportunity for you to have this given taken back and forth and, and remain curious. Next, this is super duper important. Number four, gain permission. Sometimes, we tend to just like launch into questions, assuming that people are ready to talk.

And I know, That my husband and I have [00:11:00] done so much work, and I refer to him a lot because obviously this is where the most risk happens, right, in our relationship when it comes to communication, how we ask questions. And so for me, understanding how men's brains work in relation to how women's brains work, I'm clear that if my husband is in the middle of something, I can't just, like, bombard him right in the middle of it and start asking him questions.

I have to gain permission, more or less, and ask, Hey, do you have a second for me to ask you a question? Or, let me know when you have a chance to pause so I can ask you something. So, as this relates to maybe something even at work, let's say, um, During a team debrief after a critical incident, you want to check in with somebody about their experience.

You might start with something like, 

Erin: I know that was a tough call yesterday. Would you be open to sharing your thoughts on how you're feeling about it? [00:12:00] Or, do you feel like you might need some more time to process it? And so, not only are you respecting that person's time or feelings or their experience or what their, Doing in that moment.

It also prevents you from feeling offended if they come back in retaliation or snap back at you or something like that. That just ends up causing a little more conflict than what we're wanting to create with these tips of effective question asking. So instead of just assuming that people are ready to talk, trust me, asking if it's a good time makes a huge difference.

Especially with these sensitive topics. Something that you could say is, Hey, is it okay, if I ask you a question about yesterday? And again, this shows that respect and gives them a chance to decide if they're ready to talk about it. Or if they have a moment in their day to pause, what they're doing. And focus on what you want to ask.[00:13:00] 

Now, moving on to the next tip. Here's where some of us get tripped up. Ask one question at a time. Uh, I know that I am definitely guilty of rapid fire questions. If you listen to our shows, Cinnamon and I both are guilty of it, where we'll be in the middle of a conversation and we start out by asking one question and it turns into like 17 and we often will hear our guests be like, Okay, so let me start with such and such to give you a, you know, a solid answer and then, you know, we cover the other stuff.

So asking one question at a time. When we ask one clear, concise question at a time, we get one clear, concise answer. And this is obviously extremely important when we're talking about things that may make someone feel a little more vulnerable. Giving [00:14:00] everybody the space just to focus on one thing at a time.

And finally, and last, but definitely not least, we've got to show some emotional intelligence. And this is the trickiest, but most powerful part. And if you're not familiar with this term, emotional intelligence, I know that I have had the opportunity to participate in many, many, many years of practicing emotional intelligence through leadership trainings that I've participated in, through recovery from alcohol. Through all of these different opportunities to learn myself a little bit more, but emotional intelligence is the ability to really recognize and understand and manage our Emotions effectively so that we can have more solid interactions with others 

And I'm currently reading this book called emotional sobriety I'm really [00:15:00] anybody could read this book because it's not just about sobriety.

It's really about Um, and I think it's really important that we understand our expectations that we have with people and how we believe they should respond to us and knowing, like, if the things that we need from that person, they're actually capable and able to give us. With emotional intelligence, that's being self aware, being able to manage your reactions and your responses, having that empathy, having the ability to manage the relationship, like feeling confident in your communication and your conflict resolution and in your teamwork.

Of course, it's definitely my opinion, but I think that what's lacking right now, more than anything, is this emotional intelligence piece when we're speaking to other people. Because when we are afraid. We are going to fight at every cost to defend ourselves. We can get into the brain and the activation of the amygdala and everything else [00:16:00] that happens when we are afraid. But I think the most important part is that if we are not in a sound space to have an open minded conversation with somebody, about something, then we probably shouldn't do it because it's going to be real challenging to have an emotional intelligence that is needed in order to have effective communication.

Erin: Sometimes tough questions have to be asked, and when we can show empathy, it makes all the difference. So instead of, why do you think this is a problem? Because really, we already have our own answers to that question, right? And it's going to be challenging to be open minded to hear what the other person has to say. We can try to say something like, It sounds like this has been rough for you. Can you tell me more about why it feels like a problem? 

It's all about showing you get and understand where they're coming from, at least in the sense that [00:17:00] you can understand that this is troubling for someone, but also still being curious about why this might be troublesome for somebody.

All of that said, on tips of effective question asking, these tips take practice, just like everything we talk to you about on most of our episodes that are like this, giving you tips and tricks on how to grow and thrive. And so they're not magic and it does take intention and got to be mindful of it.

You've got to be like very self aware when you're asking these questions. So they're not going to fix every conversation. And it's even more challenging when we're speaking to someone who doesn't have these tools. It makes us have to level up and step up our game that much more, but they do make connecting easier.

I find that it makes conversations run a little bit more smooth, and they tend to be a lot more meaningful because we aren't [00:18:00] coming in from the defense, we're coming in with an open mind. Okay, so I'm going to give you a quick framework that can help when you're talking to people and asking questions.

Erin: The first thing is purpose. So why am I asking this question? Then we're going to look at opinion. What is my opinion here? Then we're going to consider assumptions. Like, do I have any assumptions going to this? So what exactly am I assuming? Then we want to look at criteria. By me asking this question, what info do I actually need in order to generate a productive conversation?

And as always, empathy. How can I show that I genuinely care, about what we're talking about or I'm really curious that I'm not just trying to convince you to see things my way that I see that this is something that's important and meaningful to you and I simply just want to have a dialogue about it and I have [00:19:00] questions about it.

When we keep this basic framework and these tips in mind. We're not just asking questions. We're inviting people to open up and to share, hopefully, their real thoughts. And, for us to feel seen as well as for them to feel seen. Like, who couldn't use a little bit more of that? I know that I could. So as we come out of this election season, we're getting into The holiday season where again, emotions and opinions and energies tend to run high and sometimes there's that conflict when we get all the relatives together.

Let's try it out. Let's practice, practice with people that you trust and you care about and see if you can get it right. 

Erin: Begin to learn how to effectively ask questions that create meaningful conversation. And next time you're chatting, pause and breathe and think about your question. And remember, it's not [00:20:00] about being right, because that's so easy to run with and come from a place of wanting to be right.

It's about being real. All right, friends, that's gonna be a wrap for today. Go out there and ask some killer question and see what happens. Thanks for tuning in and as always stay curious and stay connected. Love each other. Be kind. We never know what someone's been experiencing, what they've been going through, the stress levels they're having in their personal life.

So, just take it easy on everybody. Take it easy on each other. I do want to give you a fair warning that Cinnamon and myself, we have been running and going non stop. We've been blessed to be doing a lot of department trainings, especially in the last month, which, hallelujah, right? This is awesome. People are actually, Open and want these trainings to come and want to learn more.

And so it's been very abundant and very great, [00:21:00] but we are planning on taking a break. So from Thanksgiving until the new year, we will not be releasing any new content. We will be taking care of ourselves, spending time with our families and our loved ones. And gearing up for a brand new year, which we're really excited about what 2025 is going to bring us.

So we just wanted to give you a warning to not be expecting episodes from Thanksgiving until the new year so that we can also take care of our mental health. Shocker, right? 

Erin: Couple clinicians taking care of their mental health. I know, but We're human beings too, and we could use that downtime to shift and refocus and continue to create awesome stuff for you all and continue to bring you the best versions of ourselves. So anywho, that's enough from me. We will talk to y'all next week. Take care. Stay safe out [00:22:00] there.