At the Core of 44-Part 2 Building Stronger Families: With Tim Sears

At the Core of 44: Part 2-Building Stronger Families

Tim: [00:00:00] How many of us get training on how to have a good relationship? I will sometimes shock people when I explain stronger families to 'em and what it means. A lot of times people think of a family, you get a couple to get married and now they have a kid, and people think that the family is because of the kids.

I believe when those two people come together and they show their love for each other, that's a family. I'm gonna give you a bunch of different tools here, and some of 'em may resonate with you and some of 'em may not resonate with you. That's okay. Take the ones that do work for you and use it to make yourself better.

The other thing that I'd like to say about stronger families is we talk about relationships at home. There's a whole nother side of this, and that's relationships at home. Work used to be just a little bit of water out there, and now I believe that there's like a lake and [00:01:00] we can lead the horses to that lake, but we can't make 'em drink.

The resources are out there and there's people that really care about these first responders that want to help 'em, but it's the first responder that has to take a drink.

Cinnamon: It's the first responder, the first to get the call, the first on scene, greeted by God knows what pushed beyond the limits that they don't even set. Then what happens? You are listening to after the tones drop, we are your hosts. I am Cinnamon, a first responder trauma therapist who founded our practice after seeing the need for specialized care following a local line of duty, death.

Erin: And I'm Erin. I'm a first responder integration coach. We 

Cinnamon: help first responders receive transformational training, therapy, and 

Erin: coaching. Now we come to you to explore demystify and destigmatize mental health and wellness for first [00:02:00] responders. 

Cinnamon: Our show brings you stories from real first responders, the tools they've learned, the changes they've made, and the lives they now get to live.

Erin: Welcome back for part two of at the core of 44. If you haven't already listened to part one, we'd like to invite you to check that episode out. First episode nine. In the second half of this two-part series, our guest Tim shares about some of the tools he has learned to begin to recover from P T S D and his work with stronger families, which exist to offer life-changing relationship skills to military veteran and first responder families so they can be strong and thrive.

Tim: Noel and Karissa have been so understanding, and it's not, I mean, how do I say this? I [00:03:00] really feel the love that they have for me and for Lori, they give me words of encouragement. They are constantly checking in on me, not me as a director of first responders, but they're checking on me. And I think Noel would've said, yeah, go to the 45 days.

Do what you need to do. Right? It was me that was like, I have these responsibilities and I don't want to do that. And so I went through the outpatient program and I'm so glad I did. It was the, it was so hard, you guys, it was so hard to go through that program and to write the things down that I had to write down.

They have this thing called a shame letter. I don't know if you guys have ever heard of that, but they had us write down, how do I say this? I, I would have voices in my head Yeah. That were, um, cuz for my dad, I could never do anything. Right? Yep. [00:04:00] I could never do anything, right? Mm-hmm. And so I work extra hard to do things right.

And when I do something wrong, I'm harder on myself than anybody can be on me. And that's been a real, real, real, real struggle. And so all the things that I think about with my dad talking and you know, this evil thing that's in my head talking and you write all that stuff down, writing it down's bad enough.

But then Matt had us read it in front of our group, and it's on a zoom like this, right? I mean, you're looking at a screen and I'm bawling as I'm barely able to read this thing. And right in the middle of it. I vomit right here. I've got a trashcan right here, and I literally lose it. And Matt's over there clapping and cheering.

Yes. He's like, yeah, let's it out. Get it out. Get it out. Purge it out. Purge it out. [00:05:00] Exactly. And I'm like going, what did I sign up for, man, this is cra, you know? Mm-hmm. But after it was all done, I felt so much better and all this kind of stuff. And Matt's the one that got me to take cold showers. I start every day for like a year now.

I've been taking a cold shower, and now I preach. I believe if I learn something, if I bring in a tool and I learn something, and it works for me, I'm telling everybody, I don't care who you are, I'm gonna tell you because maybe it'll work for you. And that's the one thing I, when I talk about mental wellness with people, is I'm like, look, I'm gonna give you a bunch of different tools here.

And some of 'em may resonate with you and some of 'em may not resonate with you. That's okay. Take the ones that do work for you, take that nugget and use it to make yourself better and keep going out and finding other things that are gonna help you do better. I've got like two more programs that are sitting on my desk here that it's like, I'm gonna sign [00:06:00] up for this because I wanna learn more about this and maybe it'll help me and maybe it won't, but I don't care because I've got this acronym.

You guys are gonna love this. It's called kinai Constant, never ending Improvement. And every day and every way, I'm getting better and better. Can I, and that comes from a basketball coach that my son had and I got to coach with him and he was like 70 when he was coaching my son. And so I thought it was a really cool thing.

But now that I've kind of got this new Tim on me, this Kenai thing, it's my go-to now cuz people say, well how are you doing, Tim, after you've gone through this dark hole and you've come out on the other side and I'm like, you know what? I'm doing something today that's gonna help me mentally. And it starts off with, I wake up in the morning and I go outside and I get some sunshine.

I get some free vitamin D. And I stand there, and [00:07:00] today I, I was down there in my underwear. I live on seven acres, but my neighbors can see me and stuff, and they probably think I'm a nut job, but I don't care. I'm standing there in my underwear just getting some sunshine for 10 minutes, and I turn around and do the same thing.

I do some stretches and stuff like that, and then I come back in the house and I did yoga with Adrian this morning, and I did yoga. Yoga's supposed to be so, so good for you, and I never did that before, right? Mm-hmm. It's something that I've brought into my arsenal, if you will. Can 

Erin: I pause you real quick?

I, I just wanna say, because you were talking into the ACEs, which is Cinnamon's Jam, but now what you're talking about is my jam because I am a coach. I teach people these mindfulness practices, this grounding work, and how important it is to even do simple things like take off your socks, walk out into the grass, and be grounded with the earth.

I mean, this is like my jam. I just wanna emphasize the things that you're saying. Wow. It might sound woowoo like, yeah, [00:08:00] actually there's a real purpose for it. And it's about regulating your nervous system. It's about getting grounded with the universe, the ultimate energy. For some folks it might be a higher power, whatever that is, but it all matters.

And when you've been describing this entire process, the word that stuck out to me was connection. Hmm. And the connection is where the healing happens. This is why we cannot do things alone. We need that connection. That is where all recovery happens. And the processes that you went through in this program very much mirror what the recovery process is for addiction.

The 12 steps. Mm-hmm. Counting on each other, getting all of the shame, guilt, everything out of your system, all of that, getting that purge so you can move forward. Without it living in your center. And so everything you're describing works because it works because you have that connection When you said Kinai [00:09:00] cinnamon, and I know this nerd, which is the never ending relentless diatribe.

So those voices in your head are the nerds. And then you take your canine and you handle it. Right. So 

Cinnamon: I love it. Yeah. Your nerd got canine. That's right. My nerd 

Tim: got cann, so I love 

Erin: it. I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just got so excited. Cause I'm like, yes. The folks I work with every day, they're like, I don't know why you're having me do this, but Okay.

And yoga with Adrian, I recommend her all the time because yeah, she's real. It teaches you how to breathe into your person, get grounded, use your body as an entire tool. Because our heads only can do so much. We need our whole bodies to work in unison for us to heal and recover. And so it's all very intentional.

So, okay. I got real excited. So I had to add 

Tim: that. No. And I was out there with no socks on. I mean, literally. Mm-hmm. I was standing in my underwear getting exposure [00:10:00] to the sun and my feet were in the grass for 10 minutes cuz that's how I try to start my day. And then after I do some exercise, I'll do my yoga with Adrian and sometimes I'll do exercise if I have enough time.

And then it's time for a shower and I go in and I take a one minute warm shower, get all cleaned up and then goes right to cold all the way over. I literally 

Erin: got goosebumps 

Cinnamon: to four minutes 

Tim: knowing what you were gonna say for four minutes. And, and here's the thing, I absolutely hate taking that cold shower every single day I do it.

I'm like, why do I do this? I remember why when I get out. Because when you're in that cold shower, you don't think about the call you went on, you didn't think about the argument you had with your son. You don't think about the dispute that you had with your spouse. You don't think about the person that cut you off on the freeway.

You don't think about anything except for, this sucks. I'm cold, [00:11:00] it hurts. I want to get out of this. But it brings you into that moment. And that's the thing that Matt taught me was like, Tim, he goes, you're in the moment. What do you think about when you're in that moment? I go, nothing. I'm thinking about the pain I'm in.

And he is like, yes, that means you're present. You're right there. And I'm like, yeah, I am right there. And I'm not thinking about anything else. And that's really nice to not have to think about anything else. And so after that time is over, I get out and I'm just like, whew. Yeah, I just calm down. Reset.

Yeah, I reset. Exactly. 

Erin: And on a scientific level, it actually increases the blood flow to your system. So what it does is it redistributes the blood so that you're getting fresh oxygen running through your body. So there's like the mindfulness side of it, which a hundred percent. And then there's the actual scientific, biological side of it, which is, yeah, it's redistributing healthy oxygen through your body at the same time.

[00:12:00] So it took a good, yes, it's a two. It's amazing. 

Tim: Mm-hmm. It's amazing. And 

Erin: it does suck. 

Tim: No, it's, it's horrible. It's horrible. It's absolutely horrible. Um, if I had the money, I don't, I don't have the money, but someday maybe I'll have the money. I want to get one of those cold plunges where you actually can get in the tub.

Cinnamon: So I know people who have literally went to Tractor Supply company. And got the water troughs and do it that way. And they have it like on their back porches or wherever. And during the winter especially, it's super easy 

Erin: to leave it where it's closed and, and 

Tim: I've done that, but I have well water. Oh. And so I don't want to use that water for Understood.

Cinnamon: I had intended on coming to Anna Cortes for, oh, 

Erin: uh, 

Cinnamon: first RC in April of 20. Ooh. It was last year. So 22. Did 

Erin: we go last summer? Erin? She was gonna go to the one that that happened recently. That got canceled and moved. Yes. Oh, so it 

Cinnamon: was scheduled for [00:13:00] Anna Cordes in April of 2022. Oh, okay. It got canceled cuz of Covid.

So I had never been out there before, but it was on my bucket list, so that's why when I talked to Sean, I picked Anna Cortez, so Right. We moved it to an anniversary trip and we stayed on the San Juan Islands. We stayed down by deception. Past State park. Yeah. Yep. And I fell in love with that area. Yeah. In downtown Seattle we did one of the underground sidewalk tours that actually isn't underground, it's the former first floor.

But the thing that really caught my attention beyond all of the like potential horse skeletons that were piled up under the street, um, which I thought that was very interesting. Uh, were your beautiful fire memorials. 

Tim: Yeah, well, we've had some, uh, we had the Pang fire. It was national news and we lost four firefighters, and that was actually, was that 92?

It was either 92 or 93. I think it was [00:14:00] 92 when that happened. They made a a really in Pioneer Park, I think is where it is. Yes. Where the It is. Yeah. The, the Statue Memorial is there, so Yeah. Yeah. And it's 

Cinnamon: like the artistry. Yeah. I mean, it looks like you're watching real firefighters. Yep. Move. Yeah. I think it's like bronze or bronze ish.

Like it look, that's what it looks like. It's just painfully stunning. And so, yeah. I love that. Yeah. So we're coming. 

Tim: It looks real because it's skilled to life. Yeah. I stood by them. Yeah. It's not bigger than life. It's not smaller than life. It's literally the size of those guys. Wow. And 

Cinnamon: allow me lost the dives in that fire.

It allowed me to explain to my husband, who is so not in this world at all, what s sc b a gear was, you know, like I was able to like, actually yeah, take this statue and kind of like break apart his uniform and like explain [00:15:00] some things. Right. And I looked like I knew what I was talking about. It was very flattering.

That's awesome. You too. 

Erin: So I, you better by now. Gosh, 

Tim: I, I have an s c b story for you. All 

Cinnamon: right. Well, I just texted Erin, I actually have a therapy session at three 30, so I get to hop off. 

Tim: Okay. Do you want me to, 

Cinnamon: I want you to tell her. Okay. So Tim, I just want to say like Aaron came running and was like, you gotta meet this guy.

And I'm like, I gotta set up mints and you know, and, but I am, so, you know, this is one of the things, like we live spiritual lives and Aaron and I are constantly going back to our clients and to each other saying there are no accidents. Mm-hmm. And you are one of those people that is not an accident for us.

It's been our privilege to meet you, thank and talk to you and get to know you and have you trust us with your stories. Yeah. And I can't wait to do this [00:16:00] again. And yeah, we'll be in touch soon. Oh, thank 

Tim: you. I can't wait for you guys to meet my bride someday. Hey. Oh, 

Erin: I can't either. Can I call her my bride king?

I mean, yeah. 

Cinnamon: I mean, she does call my husband husband, so, 

Tim: yeah. Yeah. 

Erin: That's awesome. All right. Bye guys. Okay, bye. Okay. So yeah, what was your story about the gear? 

Tim: So, okay, when I became a volunteer, when I was 16 years old, the chief had my bunker gear and everything, but there was also this box, this big black box that was sitting there and I'm like, well, what's this?

And he goes, open it up. And I opened it up and it was an S sc b a and I didn't know what it was. Right. And it had a mask and it had a tank, and it had, am I going to space? Yeah. And my firefighter buddies are looking at it and they're like going, yeah, we're not doing that, you know? Mm. And so my chief said, you're gonna learn how to use this, and anytime you go into a fire, you're gonna put this on.

And we've got like three other bottles, so you need air, we can, you know, [00:17:00] get you more air, but every time you go into a fire, you're gonna wear this thing. Mm-hmm. And so I literally opened up the book and started reading the book and trying to understand it and underline things and everything. And we all kind of learned together on how to use this thing.

And, and there was enough for them, but they wouldn't wear 'em. They wouldn't do it. 

Erin: How many are wouldn't still? How many are still living? Oh, they're all 

Tim: dead. Mm. They're all dead. Mm-hmm. They all died of either cancer or, you know, whatever, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. They're no longer around. And how long they lasted?

I honestly, I don't know. Yeah. But the reason I bring that story up is it's a way to see the change in the fire service. Mm-hmm. So now you wouldn't even think of going into a smokey environment or fire or whatever without an S C B A on. Yeah. You wouldn't even think about it. What? You're nuts. You would never do that.

But back then, that's what they did. You know, they would hold their breath, they would go in, they would take their [00:18:00] coat and you know, breathe through their sleeve of their coat. Mm-hmm. They didn't have hoods, you know? Now we have these hoods that we wear that are kind of nomex heat protection type hoods.

Mm-hmm. So our bunker were a lot lighter and not as thick. And so you crawl around and the gloves we had weren't special gloves. They were basically just kind of like heavy duty work gloves. Yeah. And so things were just different back then. Yeah. And the fire service has changed over the years for the better.

It's safer, you know, and 

Erin: it's safer. And it's also a beautiful metaphor. Hear me out for the changes in the mental health culture as well, because it's like, You must put your oxygen mask on, if you will. Mm-hmm. To continue. And so as these changes occur, I feel like there's just a beautiful flow between you guys getting this gear that is required.

You have to like, you have to, folks are dying without it. When we put on our oxygen masks first and go and get help [00:19:00] and treat any struggles that we might have, which are going to happen in this world, in this career, then we are better equipped to be personally healthy, better equipped to help others.

Mm-hmm. And, and show what changes can be made. So I don't know, that was what I thought of when you shared 

Tim: that. But I remember being with, uh, my family and we were going on a vacation and the stewardist said, you need to put your mask on first before you put it on your child. And my son said, why? And so I explained to him, I said, well, if I'm breathing something bad and I don't have my mask on, then I can't put yours on.

So it's, I have to put mine on first. Yeah. And then I can help you. And he's like, oh, okay. You know, I mean, he didn't quite understand, but it's that analogy of you have to take care of yourself. And that's the disservice that we do. And I think it's getting better. I wanna say that out loud, is that I really think we're getting [00:20:00] better at wellness.

Yeah. But for a long time, for many, many years, generations, we were at a disservice because we trained people on how to do this job. And when I speak to first responders, I'm saying, you guys are good police officers, you're good firefighters, you're good nurses, you're good. You know, whatever it is that you're in, I know you're good at it because you've got the training on how to be good at it.

But how many of us get training on how to have a good relationship? Mm-hmm. Either at work or at home. We're just trained about the job. How many of you got training on how to deal with the stress that comes with the job that you love so much? Mm-hmm. Right. How many of you got training on how to transition from getting off work?

Because when I got in the fire service, the goal was this guys, [00:21:00] we all go home tomorrow to our family. That's our goal. Right? Which is a great goal. 

Erin: Yes, of course. 

Tim: But how do you do that and how do you do that successfully? Mm-hmm. And that's the training we didn't get. Yeah. And that's where wellness comes in.

That's where peer support comes in. That's where chaplain programs come in. That's where counselors come in. When I go out and speak to departments or I have an opportunity to speak in front of an audience, I say there's two things that a first responder needs if they're in a relationship at home. One is if you're a first responder, you need to be in counseling.

Mm. You need to go to counseling. I love 

Erin: hearing you say that. Yeah. 

Tim: Yeah. It's true. Because you heard me say in South Bend at the one rc, that 30 day challenge. Right. And it was, you know, take the shower and when you get off work, you know, take the cold shower and then go sit in your car, do your box breathing.

Mm-hmm. And then from your [00:22:00] box breathing, breathe out the stuff that you want to get rid of, that you don't want to take home. Open up your journal, write down the things that bugged you or bothered you or upset you or triggered you, or whatever the word you want to use on that paper. Write it down. And then physically speak it out and say, I don't want to take this home.

I, I don't want put this in my R sack. Mm-hmm. I don't wanna carry this anymore. And then, You go home and then you look at your day and it's like, okay, I'm ready. And before you close that journal, write down three things that you're thankful for. And then I want you to drive physically home as you're driving home.

Find a geographical location, a tree, a bridge, whatever, and roll down the window and yell it out the window as you're driving home to, I want to leave this here, I want to physically leave this here. And then when I get home, [00:23:00] I can now hopefully engage with my family and give 'em a hug and tell 'em I love 'em and have my kids jump on me and, and all that kind of stuff.

And then also have a code word that you can tell your spouse of, you know, my shift with bananas. And that means that, you know what? Dad had a rough shift and stuff happened that maybe we don't really want to talk about, but Dad's worked through this process where mom has gone through this checklist mm-hmm.

Of took the cold shower and did this and did this. They know because you've told them ahead of time, I'm going to do this before I come home. Yeah. And now I'm home. I've given you my code word and now if something triggers me, I write it down, pull out that journal, write it down. And the reason people are like, why do you write this stuff down?

I'm like, I'll tell you why. Because when you go to your counselor and I'll look at 'em in the eye and I'll go. You do have a counselor, right? Yeah. Great. [00:24:00] 90% of the time it's no. Right. Right. But I'm like, you need to find a good counselor because then you go in, let's say once a quarter, I don't know, maybe it's once a week when you first start, but it's gonna break down to once a quarter where you go in for a checkup and Yeah, you open up that journal because you sit in in front of that counselor and the counselor's gonna look at, and you go, so Tim, how are you doing today?

You know, Aaron, you're the counselor. You're gonna say, Hey Tim, how are you doing? And I'm gonna say, I'm fine. Right. Because that's what I do when I get home. Sure. Right. I'm fine. 

Erin: Well, even though the counselor and your family know that is full crap you 

Tim: Exactly. Yeah. And you don't have anything to work off of because mm-hmm.

I'm fine. So our session is, well, let's work on that, or, you know, whatever. But if I come to you with a journal and I open up that journal and you say, Hey Tim, how are things going? And you're like, you know what? I struggled with this situation three times [00:25:00] on this day and two times on this day, and actually eight times yesterday and mm-hmm.

I think I need to work on this. Yeah. You as a counselor are gonna go, oh my gosh, let's get 

Erin: to work. Yeah. I'm gonna be like, you get a gold star. You are my star pupil like that. I would be so excited. Well, and the thing too, on the other side of what you're explaining, and you're absolutely right, keeping it organized so that you can process it through with someone else, is the idea of beginning to complete a stress cycle.

So if you can imagine a stress cycle as a circle, the stressful experience happens at the top. Well, often what we do, especially in your world, because it's like, gotta get to the next run, I don't have time. Yep. To deal with it is the stressful. Emotions, feelings, and all of that will begin to process through this circle.

And then they get stuck and then they're just like banging up against a wall. So by you essentially creating a catharsis type experience by the cold shower, by being intentional to shout it out [00:26:00] and by writing it down, it allows the stress cycle at least for the moment to be completed, which is why you're able to go home and be present.

Cuz I'm always about, it's not the quantity of time, it's the quality of time. Mm-hmm. And so if you can decompress in such a healthy manner like that before you see your family, even if it takes longer to go through that process to get home to your family mm-hmm. The quality of that time you're gonna be having with them is gonna be so much more rich and you as the first responder, won't be in that space of that heaviness that follows after a stressful experience.

So gosh, we could do a whole show just on the tools and we will because that is my jam. But it's just great to hear it from you because again, like Aaron and people trust me and they do it and they see the results, but coming from their peer, coming from their brother, that's where it counts. That's why this show even exists because who [00:27:00] cares what Aaron and Cinnamon say?

Like, okay, I guess if tall Tim Sears says it's a thing, I can trust him because he knows what it's like to be in 

Tim: my shoes. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll be the one that admits I didn't believe in it. I thought it was woohoo. Yeah. But I got to the point I got so low, I guess Aaron is, what I'm trying to say is I got so low that, um, I was willing to do anything.

Yeah. It was either 

Erin: that or no longer be on this earth. Right. And I am so about the higher purpose, a higher power universe, whatever you wanna call it. And this no accidents concept and the fact that this person came out of the middle of nowhere when you were at your darkest hour. As your angel, essentially.

Tim: Some of us, I'm just saying it out here, man. When a person goes dark, it's a very difficult thing to come out of. Mm-hmm. And for me, I got to the point where it was like, okay, I've accepted this. [00:28:00] I'm going to check out. I don't know exactly when, but I'm gonna do this. And as a peer support person, you're trained on, if you're talking to someone that is having an issue, one of the questions you ask is, do you have a plan?

Right. And I was at a firefighter conference, it was for the seventh district I F F, which represents Alaska, Washington, Idaho, and Montana. And Ricky Walsh is the vice president that oversees that. But this gal, I don't know if I'm at liberty to say her name so I'm not going to, but sure she was at a booth next to me.

Cuz you know, I have a table set up representing stronger families. And, uh, we were one of the guest speakers that Ricky invited us to come be a guest speaker. And I was going through this, and she was right next to me and we started talking. She was with the ifs, she's with the International Association of Firefighters as an organization.

And I said, so how did you get [00:29:00] into the I F F? You know, that kind of stuff, just talking to my neighbor, right. And I said, were you a firefighter? And she goes, no, no, I wasn't a firefighter, but my dad was. Mm-hmm. And I said, oh, okay. And I said, well, how's your dad now? And I says, your dad's still working? She goes, no, my dad retired.

And I said, oh, okay. I said, well, how's he doing in retirement? She goes, well, he actually died. Mm-hmm. And I said, oh, I'm so sorry. You know, and then for whatever reason she told me, she goes, yeah, he, he committed suicide. Yeah. And I went, what? I mean, that caught my interest, right? Like what? Suicide, what? And so we talked and she told me her story and I started crying.

And she looked at me and she goes, you got a plan, don't you? And I said, I do. And she goes, don't do it. And she started crying. And um, she goes, you don't, you don't understand the amount of pain and [00:30:00] suffering that my family has gone through and the dysfunction that, you know, her family had prior to his decision to take his own life.

And she goes, but I have been in therapy to work through that for all these years. And she goes, and I miss them every day. I mean, she was just looking right into my eyes. And she, she's like, your kids will never ever recover from it. You just, you don't recover from it. And your spouse is going to not recover from it.

And as much as you feel. And she, I mean, it's like she knew me. It was like she was talking directly to me because she did. She did. Yeah. Like, yeah. And it was almost like she had an opportunity to talk to her dad. You know? I mean, it was just this weird, I don't even know how to explain it, but there was this energy between the two of us, and she goes, however bad you think things are, it's gonna be 10 times worse if you mm-hmm.

Go through with your [00:31:00] decision. And Yep. She goes, do you love your wife? I said, yeah, I love my wife. Do you love your Yeah, I love my kids. I love, I, you know, I, she goes, but you think they're gonna be better without you, right? And I go, yeah. And she's like, that's where you're wrong. And she said, don't do it.

Just don't do it. And we were done talking and, you know, she gave me a hug. I gave her a hug. And I just told her thank you. And you know, you talked about being at the right place at the right time kind of thing. Mm-hmm. I, I sat back for a moment and I went, this is why I'm here. This is part of my journey.

Sharing my story or, or, you know, doing the class or whatever I was doing. That was a good thing. And I'm sure it may have helped, you know, whatever. I mean, that's our goal. But I was there in that moment with her for a reason. Mm-hmm. And so it's this long line of the journey of my life that has got me here on your podcast.

Right. I mean, it, there's a purpose for this. There's [00:32:00] a reason for this. And the more I allow this to happen, the more I am at ease and am willing to share from my heart, uh, because I, that's what is needed. Mm-hmm. And I think that's what we need. Yeah. That's what we eat. Yeah. Yeah. 

Erin: It touches my heart. I've seen so many, for lack of a better word, miracles like that take place.

Yeah. And people will say, oh, coincidence. And I'm like, no, no, no. It is energetically, it's about the law of attraction. The like attracts like And that stuff happened for you. Yeah. Us meeting happened for each other and for our listeners. Yep. And I have suffered loss, and I think I shared this with you at the conference.

The man I was dating was a firefighter. Mm-hmm. And inadvertently took his own life. Mm-hmm. I believe that was the place he was going. And it happened faster than he was planning. Mm-hmm. And so it changed the trajectory of my life mm-hmm. As well. And now here we [00:33:00] are. Yeah. Yeah. Because it takes those that have courage, that have gone through the pain to be able to help the people that are currently in pain.

Mm-hmm. That's the only way. Does it take vulnerability? Yes. Is it hard to go through the process and get treatment and and recover? Yes. And it is worth it. Yes. And you are worth it. Yeah. We are all worth it, but so yeah. Stronger families who found you? You guys found each other. So what exactly do they offer?

How do they help folks? I mean, it's in the name, I can kind of guess, but, 

Tim: well, you know, it's funny about the name. I will sometimes shock people when I explain stronger families to 'em sometimes and what it means. Mm-hmm. Because a lot of times people think of a family, you get a couple that get married.

Mm-hmm. And now they have a kid and now we're a family. Mm-hmm. And people think that the family is because of the kids [00:34:00] and I don't believe that. No. I believe when those two people come together and they show their love for each other and they're together, that's a family. Mm-hmm. And if you have that couple that.

Are able to communicate well with each other. They're able to have conflict in a healthy way. Mm-hmm. You're able to do those things. You are going to have a stronger family. Yeah. Right. So I think that is something that when I go into these conferences, especially these retreats, I tell people, you are the family.

Your family's not at home. Your part of your family is are your children. That's part of your family. That's the addition to your family. You two that are here, that's the family and that's what we're gonna work on in this retreat. And so Stronger Families is a nonprofit organization that's been around since the late eighties, [00:35:00] and they have primarily been focused on the military.

They have the oxygen curriculum. Noel and Karissa Metter, they're the ones that wrote the material, and they're amazing people and they have taught this material all over, literally the world. There's different facilitators that have been trained on how to teach this material, the oxygen material, and it's really amazing.

It's just good information. I'll 

Erin: tell you this real quick. My nanny is in a relationship with a man who's in the Fire academy right now here in Columbus, and she's been listening to the show and now she's all in her head and very freaked out all these things, and I've been kind of helping work her through what it's like to be a spouse of a first responder.

And this whole concept, which we touched on last time about you don't know what you're signing up for, so the best thing that you can do is educate yourself. Get a support system like a wive's club or a [00:36:00] husband's club. If the first responder is the wife. Because then it won't be so scary. You. You'll understand what your person is going through.

And so yeah, it's been very valuable. 

Tim: It's really easy to isolate yourself as a first responder. And I think it's even easier to isolate yourself as a spouse of a first responder. And I think it happens over a course of time. You know, when you first get together with that first responder, it's just this great thing and you're excited and all that kind of stuff.

And then when that kind of wears off and now you're into the daily, I'll say grind, that's when it gets difficult because somebody calls and says, Hey, we're gonna have a get together at our place picnic or, or barbecue or whatever, and we want you guys to come. And that first responder's spouse goes to the calendar and it's like, oh, we can't come because Tom is working [00:37:00] on that day.

And mm-hmm. He's off the next day, but he's working that day, you know? Right. Or, Hey, we're getting the girls together and we're gonna go down to Mexico for girls weekend getaway kind of thing. And the first responder that's a female is like, I can't go. I gotta work. You know? Mm-hmm. And so there's a lot of things like that that cause that isolation to continue to happen, right?

Yeah. And people that are not first responders, they're kind of doing the nine to five thing and they always have their weekends free and they have their evenings free. I was talking to a guy the other day and he goes, I'm in a Bible study with my, it's kind of like a, a couple's Bible study thing. And he goes, I feel really bad about it because it's always every Wednesday.

And so for two or three Wednesdays in a row, we can't go or I can't go. And I was talking to Lori about that and she's like, yeah, that happened all the time. [00:38:00] Drove me nuts. And it was hard. And, but she finally got to the point where she was like, screw you, I'm still gonna go. You know? Yeah. And that's kind of what happens.

And so it, it just kind of makes things hard on relationships and um, one of the things with stronger families is we're trying to promote relationships with other first responder spouses. Love it. And we have this new idea that has come out and it's in beta right now. We're not sure if we're gonna call it the spouse support network, or we're gonna call it a family support network, cuz you know, we're stronger families.

Mm-hmm. But we're kind of playing with that and saying, Hey, is there a way that we can build a community within a department? But maybe not just a department, maybe several departments in a geographical area where people can be together and talk about the things that they're dealing with. And it's just a way to have that communication, and I think [00:39:00] that's what we need to promote.

We need to promote people not to be in isolation, because isolation creates a lot of problems. 

Erin: Mm-hmm. It definitely does, and I think that's a fantastic idea. It's kind of like when folks lose somebody and they have these grief groups that mm-hmm. People can get support in and be around others that understand exactly what they're going through at that time and how hard it is.

And there's nothing quite like being able to spend time with somebody that completely understands your life and what you're going through and, right. It feels so good for someone to be like, yeah, I've been there. Mm-hmm. I know. Then the spouses can plan their own little trips and getaways and mm-hmm. I think it's fantastic.

The community is so important, and I talked about that last time too, which is this idea of connection. Mm-hmm. Connection is where everything happens. Mm-hmm. Isolation definitely is the danger zone for any human being. We're not meant to live on our [00:40:00] own. Right. You know, I just got finished watching this show on Netflix.

It's all about chimpanzees and the wild and the way that they react and how close we are to them, and. Their whole thing is about connection. They groom each other and do all that, and that's how they communicate and respect each other. Mm-hmm. And gosh, if we're thinking at like baseline, like animal level, I mean they're telling us how to do it.

Mm-hmm. But often folks think, I've got this, I can handle this, or This is only temporary, this will change. Mm-hmm. But it's up to us to make those changes in our life so that we can be supported and not feel alone, especially when it starts to feel real lonely. Yeah. You know, I think it's awesome. So you're working on that, huh?

Yeah. That's not happening yet. We're not 

Tim: ready to release it yet, but it's, uh, it's around the corner, you know, and the reason we kind of came up with that was when we were, uh, doing the retreats and we're trying to have a little bit more variety because some folks don't want to necessarily go into their own [00:41:00] city.

And mm-hmm. Be in a couple's retreat for whatever reason, you know? And so we're finding that people are wanting to fly to different places to go to these retreats. You know, we'll see their registration and it's like, oh wait, they're from Washington, but they're going to Arizona, or they're going to Boise, or you know, whatever.

And we got people from East Coast that are coming over here and going to some of these things. So, you know, we're gonna keep spreading them out slowly but surely. And it's really neat. So when we do these retreats, it's a two day retreat and, okay. The cost is very, very affordable. And the reason is because stronger families is a nonprofit organization and there's people that donate to stronger families.

And what stronger families does is they take a portion of that money and they say, okay, this is what we're gonna put towards retreats. This is what we're gonna put towards the military. This is what we're gonna put towards veterans. This is what we're gonna put towards [00:42:00] departments to help them with trainings and things like that.

So we have this bucket of money here for retreats. So it's my job to say, okay, where are we gonna go to our next retreat? And so I said, Hey, let's go to Boise, because we had a, a real interest over there and it's in October and I think we already have like 22 couples that are signed up. How many 

Erin: couples do you like to see?

Tim: We'd like to have about 40. Okay. We'll do it to like 50, but if you don't have enough then it, it's almost like a counseling session. And, and that's kind of not comfortable for everyone. And so we'd like to have at least a minimum of 10 couples in a room. Mm-hmm. But we're gonna be at the Grove Hotel and got a nice place for us in a Boise.

And so if we could get 50 couples in there, that would be awesome. And I think we will. I think it'll happen. And we'll do the same thing in Bellevue and down in Tempe. I think we'll do the same thing. So as the word gets out who we are and how [00:43:00] we operate and things like that, all the reviews we get back from people are just, honestly, Aaron, when we get done with our retreat, the people are saying, when you coming back?

When are you coming back? And so what we are trying to do is we're trying to team with departments and unions and guilds and nonprofit organizations that want to put money into their first responders in their town, in their city. Mm-hmm. And then stronger families can come in and subsidize as well. So it's more like of a team effort instead of stronger families being the heavy load on them all the time.

Right. And yeah, that makes sense. But so then we have some invested interest from the departments and the unions and other businesses too. Sometimes businesses will say, Hey, we want to kick in money. Also other nonprofits that will say, Hey, we want to support our first responders as well. [00:44:00] And so we show 'em a video, we sh send them photos of what we do in our curriculum, and people are like, yeah, we want to donate to that if it's gonna stay here in our town or in our geographical area.

Yeah. So that's kind of how we do it. Okay. And it's a two day retreat. The cost is so minimal when stronger families is, again, we're taking the brunt of the cost. The first, like 10 people are like $99. Wow. And that's just, you know, get 'em in the door. And then after that it jumps to one 50 and that's it.

It's, it's 150 bucks, I believe. I don't care where you are in this country, you can afford $150 to invest into your relationship and receive this material. 

Erin: Absolutely. Especially if your life depends on it. Right. It's an emergency situation at that point because Right. It's like if you got a flat tire on the side of the road, you're gonna figure out how to come up with the money Right.

To replace that tire. If your relationship and your family. Is like on high alert and in, [00:45:00] in a critical situation. Mm-hmm. You can come up with that 

Tim: money. Right. And it covers the hotel room, which you can't even get a hotel room for 150 bucks. Right. So it covers the hotel room for one night. It covers two meals that we have for 'em.

It covers all the material and all the other things that go along with the program. How 

Erin: long is a day of the retreat? 

Tim: So, that's a great question because we really want the first responder. You know, I'm a knucklehead, right? I was a firefighter and so this is how, uh, my bride and I look at it. It's like taking a drink from a, a fire hydrick.

Yeah. Right? I mean, if you take that cap off and you open that, I mean, that was just gushing water. Well, that's the information that we're giving these folks because let's, let's be honest, most of us really don't know how to do a relationship in a healthy way. No. And so we have proven tools that are Pentagon approved that [00:46:00] work, and we teach those tools for some of these folks, it's just absolutely foreign.

Mm-hmm. And so it's like, okay, you want me to talk like this? You want me to communicate this way? You mean if I have to close my mouth? That's what it means to listen, you know, like, 

Erin: you know, and be present. And don't think about what you're gonna be saying next, actually. Exactly. Hear the words. Yes. Yes.

Tim: Exactly. So some of the things that we do, and some of the things that we teach are sometimes foreign, but then as we do 'em, people are like, oh my gosh, this is so easy. And it works. It actually works, you know? And so people kind of get excited about it. And I'm not sure if I said this before, but we talk about P T s.

And we feel that it's really important that we touch on that because of being a first responder and being in a partnership with a first responder. And here's the other thing, Aaron. We're getting more and more first responders [00:47:00] that are partnering with other first responders. And it could be police and fire.

It could be dispatch and fire. It could could be fire. Fire. What everybody's getting along. Police. Police. Yeah. Well, in that respect, they are, you know, well, I think what happens sometimes is we'll talk to people that it's like, we're on our second marriage, right? We're on our third marriage, whatever. And I think sometimes they think that, you know what, if I find someone that I can connect with that understands my world and I understand their world, then mm-hmm.

Maybe our world will be a better place. Yeah. And that's a great dream and more power to you. But what we see, Is it really creates more stress. Mm-hmm. Because you're not always on the same shift. Right. And you, and maybe you're not in the same department. And so I have a really good friend of mine that she's a police officer [00:48:00] and he's a police officer, and they're in the same department and they're on the same schedule and they drive to work together.

And that's a very unique dynamic. You know, she's constantly talking about, don't talk to me like being a, you know, being a police officer, you know, Uhhuh and vice versa. You know, he comes back and he goes, Hey, you're talking to me like we're at work. Just, I mean, there's a lot of dynamics there, and so that's one of the things that we see with these retreats is we have people coming in that are wanting to learn communication skills because they know that they are at a higher level of having problems when it comes to that communication.

Erin: Well, most people have problems with communication, but if you 

Tim: throw stress on that and you throw, oh yeah. Being a first responder on that, that fire is now an inferno. 

Erin: For sure. I [00:49:00] spend so much time coaching folks on simply how to communicate and hear each other. Like, how are you asking that question?

Because what I notice is that folks will beat around the bush. They'll say something like, how long are you gonna sit on the couch? But the question they really want the answer to is, can you please go put the laundry in the washing machine? Mm-hmm. Or when can I anticipate you doing that? Right. Or whatever.

But instead, we ask these broad questions and then get angry about it because we're not getting our way. So it's learning how to communicate directly inefficiently and effectively. Like ask the thing you actually wanna know or asking your partner to be present when you're asking these things. So here's the thing about men and women.

Our brains are different. They're different. Men are, you know, they're like going out. They're the hunters. This clear cut, here's what I'm doing. But they can't shift from the activity that they're doing at that moment to another activity. Like their wife being like, babe, hey, can you come? You know? And actually be present because they're still [00:50:00] grilling the meat or they're still fixing the car or whatever they're doing.

And then the wives get mad because you never listen to me. No. I'm just actually grilling the meat still. So what I teach folks is to actually pause and say, honey, I have a question for you. When you're ready for me to ask it, let me know and then stop talking. Yeah. And then they can shift gears and choose a different compartment of their brain and say, okay, now I'm in the listening to my wife part of my brain and do that.

And it's like the biggest struggle and the best question that I teach folks is, okay, so what did you hear me say? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that way there's no blurred lines. Mm-hmm. Everybody's on the same page, but even something as simple of as that takes time to learn. Yeah, it does. Everything is I. Such a habit and the way that our parents spoke.

Mm-hmm. The way that our coworkers speak, we have to undo all the things that aren't serving us in order to try these new things. Right, right. [00:51:00] So let me ask you, cuz this is one of the things I thought maybe our listeners will too. Why are these stronger family retreats different from just doing like couples counseling?

Tim: Well, for one thing, a lot of first responders don't go to counseling. Right. 

Erin: That would be 

Tim: step one. And I think that's step one. It really is. And that's why we have counselors, we call 'em coaches, that when we go to that area, like for example in Boise, I'm contacting counselors in that area to find out if they have worked with first responders, if they understand our world and they also can work with couples.

Right. I mean, it's a unique person that is in your chair that needs to be able to understand us because. Once you gain the trust of a first responder, they're gonna unload. Tell me about it. If they don't trust you, you're not gonna get much out of 'em. Nope. But [00:52:00] once they trust you, you're in. Mm-hmm. And you're in for a wave of information that hopefully you're prepared to listen to and to bring on.

Yeah. Because you and I both know that speaking out is a type of therapy mm-hmm. In order to release this stuff that we're carrying in this rucksack. Mm-hmm. And I've been working on my rucksack for about two years now. So I think that's number one. And that's why it's so important that at these retreats we have counselors or coaches mm-hmm.

There. And we say, Hey, it's free. And I think that's another thing that a lot of times first responders are concerned about is the cost of going to counseling. Oh, now I'm gonna have to go to counseling for the rest of my life. And I think that there's this stigma, if you will, and it's like, no, you don't have to.

Maybe you're gonna do it for a while to get things under control, but after a while it's just a [00:53:00] maintenance. Yeah, like a checkup. Right. We go to the doctor to make sure that our blood pressure's good and our heart rate is right and our lungs are good. Everything like that. I think it's the same thing when it comes to our brain.

Definitely. And with a first responder, we need to be able to dump this stuff that we're carrying as soon as we can. Mm-hmm. But then also be able to have that mindset of being present. And I think sometimes people have a problem understanding what that really means. I know I struggled with it cuz my bride would say, you're not listening to me.

You're not here. And I'm like, what do you mean I'm not here? I'm sitting here. I'm standing right here. I'm standing right here. You know? And it's like, no, you're not. You know? And, and so for her, she was able to see that I was not really connected emotionally with her because I had all this stuff that I was carrying around.

That was [00:54:00] normal for me. Yeah. But for her, it wasn't. And she felt like she was being, um, put away, like separated. Yeah. Right. And she didn't want to have that separation. She wanted to have connection. And I think for first responders, we struggle with connection. Yeah. And so a lot of the tools that we teach at this retreat are how to connect, how do you connect?

Mm-hmm. How do you connect without words? How do you connect with words? How do you connect by listening? How do you connect by touch? Mm-hmm. How do you connect and how is it that your spouse wants to be 

Erin: connected with Connected to Connected to, 

Tim: yeah. Connected with, yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And those are the things that we talk about.

Each couple goes through an assessment before they come to the retreat, and that is very, very helpful because it helps them understand who they are, but also who their partner is. Mm-hmm. And then [00:55:00] that assessment really kind of helps mold them together to say, Hey, because of your personalities this way and your personalities this way, we feel that this is the best way for you to be able to connect 

Erin: the best approach like the love languages.

Tim: Yep. And we and Yep. We call 'em love styles. Yep. Absolutely. Uhhuh. And we talk about those and we have people go through and exercise with that. Some people are like, oh, I've done that before. You know? Well, okay, great. When's the last time you did it? Well, I did it like five years ago. Yeah, maybe you should do it again.

You know, because things change over time. Mm-hmm. And so it really helps folks when they come out of these retreats, being able to understand each other better. And if they've taken advantage of that coaching counseling session, maybe for the first time that first responder's like, you know what? I still feel good.

And even though I went through that, I feel good about it. So maybe I can go to counseling. You know? And that's really our goal. Our our goal is, it didn't kill me. [00:56:00] Exactly. Right? Yeah. My arm didn't fall off and I'm able to continue and I'm gonna be able to go back to work. And I think that's one of the stigmas that's out there, and we're trying to help break that.

So really, if you think about it, we're trying to support that first responder, but we're really wanting to promote what you do. Because we feel that it is vital that that's there. And then the other thing that we do is, you know, when we talk about this P T s, a lot of times our spouses see the symptoms of it, but they don't really know what's causing it.

And so when you have the stress of your family or, or whatever it is, and then you throw that on top of that PTs on top of it, it really can negatively affect your family. And I'm speaking for myself, it really affected my family in so many different ways. Yeah. And so my goal is to get this out to as many people as are willing to be a part of it and help them with their relationships, [00:57:00] especially the young people.

I really have a heart for young people that are coming into the first responder world because they really don't know what is coming in the future. I really, honestly, Erin, I don't want them to go through what I've gone through because it's unhealthy for me. It's unhealthy for my family. And we do these jobs because we enjoy doing them.

And you know, we like helping people, but a lot of times we don't help ourselves. And I think that's where 

most 

Erin: of the time we don't help 

Tim: ourselves. Yeah. And that's where we need to go to counseling, because I think that's where it's, I mean, I'm still dealing with my stuff and my bride and I are right now talking about having me go to Deer Hollow, to the inpatient treatment because I have stuff that, I have so much guilt, I have so much shame.

I still have that stuff that I'm carrying and she sees it and my family sees [00:58:00] it, and so it's like, you know what? I need to continue to work on myself. I have to do that. As much as I love doing this, I need to step away from it for a little bit. And work on Tim. And that's hard for Tim to say. Mm-hmm. I'm telling you that.

Right, right now, because I feel like there's other people that need to go there and be in that spot more than I do. Because, you know, I'm working on my stuff. Right. I'm working on it, but it's difficult and I just don't want guys to go through what I've gone through and I never thought I would. That's the thing is, is I never would've said, ever that I would go through this.

Cause I loved my job. Mm-hmm. And I loved my family and I thought I was doing a good job and, um, I wasn't. Yeah. 

Erin: But this is not about passion for your job. This is about the effects of the job, and you can love your job and convince yourself all day long that No, but I love my job. How could this be a thing?

How could this be right? Affecting me in this way? Well, [00:59:00] because the things that are affecting you are outside of what I would say to my clients. I said, they're outside of your hula hoop. Your hula hoop being like the only thing you have control over in your life is. Imagine yourself standing in a hula hoop.

Everything outside of that you have no control over. And it can affect you vastly. And I agree, uh, with getting it to the younger generation quickly. I mean, cinnamon and I are like, how do we get this to the academy? And that I, we'll see. Yeah, absolutely. I'm very committed. I'm very strong-willed. Mm-hmm. So we'll see what happens.

Mm-hmm. But, and what you also said about the fear of counseling and things like that, we have a whole episode called the MythBusters of Therapy. It's our second episode and it busts every single thing down, which is also the least listened to episode. Interestingly enough, however we get it, and I acknowledge you, Tim, for saying, look, I still got stuff, man.

And, and I'm willing to work on it. And that's the thing. [01:00:00] If we are lucky enough to be alive, we are lucky enough to constantly be working on ourselves because we don't just say, okay, I arrived. Mm-hmm. I made it. The idea for us is to continue to evolve and heal and grow and connect. And there's, if we are alive, we are blessed to continue to grow.

Really, 

Tim: that's why I use this. Can I idea? You know, constant never ending improvement because I have, um, I've had friends, people that I know that felt like they did have it all figured out. They went to treatment, they've checked that box. Right? They checked that box and next thing I know I'm going to another funeral.

Yep. And just because you go to treatment or just because you, you know, whatever, it doesn't mean you're fixed. Mm-hmm. That's the one thing that I've learned about P t s is, or P T S D, P T S I, whatever you want to call it. Mm-hmm. I think P T S I is the right word 

Erin: for it, but Cinnamon [01:01:00] will totally. We all we agree, but 

Tim: she, yeah.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Because it is, it's an injury. Yes. I don't think it was something I was born with. I think it's something that, it was an injury over, uh, for me. It was over of course of time, right? Mm-hmm. It was, it was accumulation, accumulation of, of stress and trauma and all that kind of stuff. Um, yeah, for some people it is an incident that just drops 'em to their knees or, or whatever.

So I think it looks different for different people. But, um, so we talk about that in the retreat and we have people understand what that is and the importance of counseling and, and doing that. Mm-hmm. Also, we really encourage them to set goals because in the fire service, or I'm talking for myself, we're taught how to think, plan and act.

Mm-hmm. And so you have these goals and how many of us actually write down goals for our family? [01:02:00] 

Erin: Not intuitively. Not unless someone's telling 'em to do it. 

Tim: Yeah. Right. I mean, we have mission statements for work and I know some guys, I mean, I can't quote, you know, stronger families a little bit, but when I was a firefighter, I, I was just there to do the best I could and serve the people and, and that sort of thing.

But how many of us do that for our families? You know, it's like, what are our goals? Where do we want to go? How do we wanna raise our kids? How do we want our kids to be when they're adults? Yeah. And how are we going to do that? You know, it's one thing to set a goal, but then how do you achieve that goal?

Mm-hmm. And so that's another thing that we talk about in the retreats. 

Erin: I feel like I need to come work with, uh, you're like doing my job. I mean, 

Tim: well, we touch, it's like we, we, we touch, we touch on your job. I'm be outta work. I'm kidding. Yeah. And, and that's why it, it's so important for this retreat.

Mm-hmm. So people can see it and then say, okay, now I can see I need to go to counseling. This is what a good relationship [01:03:00] should look like. This is how we should communicate with each other. And we're gonna leave this weekend, and now we're getting back in the car and we're gonna go home and we're back in the world again.

Right? How do we continue to do this? And our recommendation is open up the book and practice what you've just learned, but also get a coach that will help you go through and even go a little deeper to help your relationship even get better, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Um, and so we'll have people do that. And the people that come to this, I, I want to say this too, Aaron, the people that come to these retreats, it's not for the, this is our last straw.

I mean, we get those guys that come, but we have people that are in good relationships that come and they get nuggets out of this and they're like, wow, we didn't realize this. Or, Hey, we really enjoyed this exercise. Something like that. And so everybody gets something out of it, and the day kind of looks like this.

We'll start at nine in the morning and we'll go till two o'clock in the afternoon. So it's not a really big [01:04:00] heavy, and we have the lunch provided. And we have some exercises that we're gonna do, some breakout sessions, things, but it's fun and it's light and we play some music and people are laughing and you're able to ask questions if you want to.

And it's really nice because it's all first responders in that room. Mm-hmm. So there's a comfort level that it's like, you know what? I don't have to worry about exposing myself in front of just Joe Schmo, the guy that runs the store or whatever. These are our 

Erin: people who are gonna see me if I'm out on duty.

Yep. You know? Exactly. 

Tim: Mm-hmm. And I can say, Hey Tom, you know, how's it going? That kind of thing. Yeah. I mean, you can see people in the audience writing down na names and numbers, and we want to keep in touch and you know, that kind of stuff. But the first question is when you're coming back, and then the next question is, what else do you have?

Mm-hmm. Well, we have these things, uh, we call 'em date nights. Everything's based on this program that Nolan and Chrisa wrote, the oxygen curriculum. And out of that we'll [01:05:00] pull, like for example, communication or transition. First responders are always going through transitions. And when that first responder's going through a transition, that means their partner at home is gonna be going through a transition.

Think about a promotional exam. People don't understand how stressful that is and it's very common. I kid you not, you could take a stack of books like this big and you get handed that saying, Hey, you want to get promoted, read these books, and in three months we're going to test you on it. And then we're gonna have a practical that, you know, see how you do with that kind of stuff.

And it's really, really stressful. And a lot of times first responders will leave their family. I kid you not, I know first responders that have left their family gone to a hotel to literally go through those stack of books because they're trying to get promoted. Mm-hmm. You want to talk about isolation, you want [01:06:00] to talk about communication breakdown.

That is what happens with those promotions. And it's in the police, it's in fire, it's dispatchers, it's everybody. If you want to get promoted, you gotta go through a freaking stack of books like this big. 

Erin: Yeah. I was gonna say, we have a tool that we use, it's called Accelerated Resolution Therapy. It's so fantastic for first responders specifically, it's on the same plane as emdr.

Very similar. And we've used it for performance enhancement, I should say Cinnamon has used it for performance enhancement for folks that are. Because I haven't had the blessing of doing one of those yet. I mean, I do accelerated resolution therapy for a traumatic event, things like that, that people wanna process through.

And then we see it a lot for folks who are looking at getting promoted. It's like, I have the knowledge in my head, but I'm so, so, so anxious about it that I take myself out. Mm-hmm. And so we help folks with that and it is a [01:07:00] magic trick. So I know how important that is in the process that it takes. So I don't wanna derail you, but I wanna be mindful of time.

Okay. The biggest question I want you to answer is, if you could tell your rookie proby self version of you any one thing based on all of your years of knowledge and history and pain and beauty and everything, what would that be? 

Tim: Yeah. Um, the one thing that I would tell myself if I were starting over would be, I need to get some counseling.

I don't know what that would look like. You know, when I think about myself being at 16 years old again, you know? Mm-hmm. Uh, but being at 30 years old and getting hired with the city of Kirkland at that time, I should have done that. I should have started working on myself and trying to get through the things that were already in my ruck sack that I, but you know, honestly, Aaron, I didn't know it was there.

Right. I didn't know it was there, [01:08:00] and no one told me about that. No one talked about that stuff. It was just basically suck it up. Mm-hmm. Go to the next call and you get back from a call and your officer looks at you and goes, you okay? What do you think I'm gonna say? Yeah, I'm fine. Sure. Let's go. Yep.

Let's go to the 

Erin: next one. What's next? Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. Um, but if there is anything that you think that folks absolutely cannot walk away from this episode without knowing. What would it be? I mean, is there anything that was missed about stronger families about you? The 

Tim: other thing about stronger families I'd like to say is we do have these things called date nights.

Mm-hmm. And it's, uh, a curriculum that we take out of oxygen and for example, we'll take, uh, you know, uh, communication and we'll have a, a two hour session where we'll have dinners, we'll have like a dinner for everyone and we'll do it through a department. Mm-hmm. And so everyone kind of knows everybody and it's a good [01:09:00] time to get together.

And our goal is for that couple to walk away with at least one or two nuggets to help them with their relationships. And we have six of those that we call date nights with different topics. And all of those programs are also train the trainer. And so we can teach people how to do that for their own department.

It's a, a less, uh, expensive way to do it. And again, you know, all the material and everything is usually pretty affordable. The most expensive part is if somebody wants us to come into their department and do it for 'em, then it's gonna be a little bit more expensive that way. The other thing that I'd like to say about stronger families is we talk about relationships at home.

There's a whole nother side of this, and that's relationships at work. Mm-hmm. And some departments really struggle with good communication in their department, and that creates stress. And so I think you would agree with me that if you have good [01:10:00] communication and good wellness in a department, that person that is working in that department is gonna be able to go home and have less stress at home.

They may have a crazy life at home and it may be stressed out for whatever reason, but if they're good at work and they feel comfortable at work, they're going to have a better chance of making that stressful life at home better. Yeah. So we feel that Stronger families is, if we can help people communicate better at work, it's gonna help them communicate better at home.

If we can help them communicate better at home, it's gonna help them communicate better at work. And so that's why we have the department Wellness Block trainings. And those are also can be a Train the trainer programs, the one that we just came out this year, it's called Bridging the Gaps. It's the one you saw mm-hmm.

That we did that Scott and I did. They're at South Bend and that was all about how do you take that first responder and be able to integrate 'em back [01:11:00] home in a healthy way. Mm-hmm. And so that's what stronger families is all about. 

Erin: Oh man, I'm a huge fan. I feel like I gotta know Noel and Karissa and the whole tribe and like I just, I'm super duper enrolled and the whole thing.

And one you guys are very much doing. We're just rowing in the same direction, let's put it that way. Yeah. 

Tim: Well, we should get a retreat over in your area. 

Erin: Listen, and we will talk about that cuz I'm already, okay. Here I am. Listeners behind the scenes texting Tim, like, how do I get into one of these myself?

You know, like Absolutely. Do I need a badge? Do I have to go through the academy? Gosh. But 

Tim: you know, I would have you as a coach, and we encourage our coaches to attend the retreat. Mm-hmm. Because we want them to see the whole program. Yeah. And we want them to see what these first responders are talking about and thinking about and that sort of thing.

So Absolutely. If we get a counselor, like I said, I reach out to that area [01:12:00] and I find counselors that are wanting to help first responders. So Yeah, 

Erin: absolutely. Well now Cinnamon and I have another project that we get to organize. Good thing we're good at projects. Tim, I can't say enough beautiful things about you.

Oh, thank you. Your vulnerability, your commitment to the cause, your ability to connect and communicate the things that you've been through. The way that you stand up for your brothers and sisters and advocate for them. And it would be very easy, because I know the talk out there about don't be a wooy, but with a pee in front of it.

Mm-hmm. All of the things like this is part of the job. And it would be easy to back down. It would be easy to just say, you know what, you're right. This is too hard. But the thing is like change is hard. And it takes folks that aren't afraid to do the hard stuff. 

Tim: I am kind of a junkie when it comes to one program.

I really like Survivor. Have you ever seen that show? I mean, 

Erin: it's been a long time, but I have watched it. [01:13:00] So 

Tim: there are times in that show where they're doing their competitions and I just love their competitions. But there's sometimes there's competitions where they make them hold onto something or they have to stand on a pole or you know, whatever, and they have to fight through that pain.

And I think as first responders we do that. Like let's say you have to hold something over your head. You have to hold maybe two coconuts, whatever I, you know, cause they're out survivor, right? They're out in the middle of nowhere and you're holding this thing over your head and it's whoever's the last man standing.

Mm-hmm. Who wins the immunity. Right? Well, if I hold my hands over my head with nothing in them, there's gonna be a point at some point where I'm going to fail. Uhhuh, I'm gonna fail. But if I come alongside you and I encourage you and I put my hands on you and help hold your hands up, [01:14:00] you're gonna last a lot longer.

And I think as first responders, we are willing to go out and help people hold them up. Right. We're coming up. When you call 9 1 1, we're gonna come help you. We're gonna do that. Mm-hmm. But when it comes to ourselves, we have a tendency to just go. Hey man, you're on your own. You gotta hold that up yourself.

Yeah. And I think that's changing with our peer support and our, uh, wellness. The word wellness is something and departments are more and more hiring, uh, people like you and, uh, you know, psychiatrists and things like that to help them navigate what does wellness look like and how do we educate our people?

And that is wonderful. That's the direction we need to go in, you know? Yeah. Is to make that person whole, to make that person whole and to have the people that are gonna support them to do their job. Mm. That 

Erin: was the ultimate mic drop. Like, [01:15:00] I love it. It's so fantastic. You are a gem of all gems. We are now family.

Like, you ain't getting rid of us now. Congratulations. You're stuck with me in cinnamon. Um, right on. But I definitely love roaming in the same direction as you, and can't wait to see, quite frankly, what we can all create together, being in this pod Yeah. And making a difference. So thank you for all the time that you've spent Yeah.

With us, with our listeners. I know that you've created such incredible value. We already got some feedback from the last one, so this is a great way to just kind of put the cherry on top to help folks see that there is options out there and that there's a lot of people doing it, and that there's hope.

Yeah. That there is hope. 

Tim: Yeah. Yeah. You know, the water used to be just a little bit of water out there. Right. And now I believe that there's, you know, like a lake. Yeah. And we can lead the horses to that lake, but we can't make 'em drink. Mm-hmm. And [01:16:00] so the resources are out there. Mm-hmm. They really are, the resources are out there.

Yeah. I have like four or five pages of resources that I send to people when they ask for it. And so it's out there and there's people that really care about these first responders that want to help 'em. Mm-hmm. But it's the first responder that has to take a drink. 

Erin: Yes, absolutely. And that's how it is for everything.

It's that idea of can't just go in the gym and sit there and expect to get muscles. You gotta be willing to go show up and do the work. Yeah. Uh, yep. Absolutely. Well, Tim, 

Tim: and thank you for being in the lake. Yeah. Yeah. 

Erin: I love the lake. It's great. In the lake. I'm not going anywhere. I'll just have to put on a life jacket because I'm gonna be here and you know, when you find your calling and sentiment, I definitely have.

And it's just a fantastic place to be. Thank you for joining us for today's episode of After the Tones Drop. Today's show has been brought [01:17:00] to you by whole house counseling. As a note after the tones drop is for informational purposes only and does not constitute for medical or psychological advice. It is not a substitute for professional healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Please contact a local mental health professional in your area if you are in need of any assistance. You can also visit after the tones drop.com and click on our resources tab for an abundance of helpful information, and we would like to give a very special thank you. And shout out to Vence Adams, Yeti and Son for our show's music.