Balanced Decisions: A Tool to Help Make Informed and Thought Out Decisions

EP19: Balanced Decisions

Cinnamon: Hey Erin.

Erin: Hey, lady. 

Cinnamon: What? say that again? What? Can you just 

Erin: hey, lady,

Cinnamon: lady, 

Erin: lady, 

Cinnamon: and where have you been recently that you picked up this accent?

Erin: um, the lodge of the wolf.

Cinnamon: Oh.

Erin: Isn't that, that's like Southern Ohio. So you know,

Cinnamon: Mmm. Isn't there also one in Columbus on the other side of town?

Erin: no,

Cinnamon: No? Oh. Okay.

Erin: no, there was a knockoff one.

Cinnamon: Oh. Alright. Hey lady!

Erin: but I really wanted to talk to you about and share with our listeners is having. To balance decisions. We'll just call it that. To,

Cinnamon: To make decisions when your brain is going 100 miles an hour and keeps spitting out Yeah. Buts or, well, what about this? And it's really hard to organize, especially if you're feeling anxious.

Erin: that's very true. What I was thinking about was how often do we as human beings, go to our circle of friends, go to our parents, go to whomever, and say, what do you think I should do here? Okay, but here's what how I'm seeing it. And what if this happens? And how am I going to prepare for this? And all of these questions, and at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what anybody says, what opinion they give us, what they've done in the past, ultimately we have to make these decisions on our own.

Cinnamon: and I think, usually people don't start with themselves, they don't start with, okay, let me sit down and really think about this difficult, complicated decision that has, pros and cons on both side. I get anxious, I get worried, and then I start collecting opinions.

Erin: yep,

Cinnamon: And it's like, okay, maybe we wouldn't even have to collect opinions if we did this first.

Erin: mhm,

Cinnamon: And I am an advocate of asking other people, Like, I'd like your opinion. I may not take it because I'm not asking you to tell me what to do.

I'm just asking you because when we think about our own blind spots, I mean, there's going to be things that you know about me that I may not think of as I'm doing this.

So I want that feedback and you're going to see something different than maybe another friend or my spouse or a different family member would be able to see. So I'm not asking you to tell me what to do. I'm basically asking you. Are there any blind spots where you might be like, girl, you know, that you may think you want to live on the beach, but you can't stand hot weather that long.

Erin: mhm,

Cinnamon: Like you keep telling yourself that's great, but do you remember when, you know, that kind of thing? So that's why starting with ourselves first is ideal. But if we don't have a way to do that and it just feels overwhelming, then that's what leads us to go ask other people.

Erin: well this is what's funny about, having tough Decisions to make or, making, choices in the midst of transition is that when we go to other people and say, Hey, what's your opinion on this? The reality is, like, we already have the answer most often inside because I have done myself personally is I'll say, what's your opinion? And then I will go into the explanation as to why their opinion doesn't fit my narrative, you know? And it's like, Oh wait, I don't want your opinion. I want you to validate what I'm already thinking. So there's that too. this is more about. learning how to solidify something that you already know at your core, something that deep down inside in the pit of your stomach and your heart, you likely already have the answer to and.

What we've been doing, and we talked about this a couple episodes ago when we offered the Simple Ways to Get Present tool, is Cinnamon and I have been discussing, how can we bring you guys, the listener, more resources, more actual tactical things to be using in your day to day life, the solutions to,

Cinnamon: Right? We're great at bringing problems to the table. Now we want to start bringing some solutions. We're hoping that everybody is in like, oh shit mode. Like, what can we do? Like, we worked you all up into a frenzy. And now we're like, here's the answer.

Erin: Yeah, I mean, we don't really want you to be in oh hit mode, but the likelihood... 

Cinnamon:  that was a joke. If you could see me, you'd not, we, we. So the other thing is, we talk about this a little bit, with our first responders, is that they don't always have a difficult time making a decision because they just have to make so many decisions on the dime. And like, if that doesn't go right, you know, if I'm at a T in the road and I don't know exactly which way to go, I'm not going to sit there and contemplate.

I'm going to go left or I'm going to go right. And if I was wrong, then I'm going to go around the block. Right. But I'm not going to waste that time. And so when that is how you are trained to make decisions, then we're not factoring in a lot of really important things to factor in. And so now we're asking them to make way more complicated decisions than left or right about their personal lives, about their relationships.

Uh, about, you know, whatever it is, and we can't just say, I want a divorce, and then, well, you know what? I'm going to go around the block, and now I'm going to say, I don't want a divorce. So we have to, find those ways to almost walk somebody through it, if that's not something that they're used to doing.

Erin: yeah, well, and there's a difference too between being in forward momentum and taking action and actually making a decision to do that. So left and right, if there's a fork in the road, you have to take action and be in forward momentum or you're going to go into the field. If you, if you will.

Cinnamon: I was just thinking I would fall flat on my face, if I just had momentum, and that's not a decision I'm choosing to make.

Erin: Well, exactly. But for our responders, it's like when they're, on a run when they need to think quickly, it's not so much the decision as much as it is the momentum and the action, you know, and then later is when. They might be like, Hmm, had I been able to think that through, perhaps I would have done it differently.

And so this whole concept today that we want to share with you, to use as a tool in your day to day life is based on dialectical behavioral therapy, but we won't get into that nitty gritty part, but it really is about formulating and organizing every facet of a potential decision. Is that how you would explain it?

Cinnamon: I think you're, hitting the nail at least somewhere on the head. cause I had a thought, and you know me, it's gone. It'll come back, like, after we're off here. But. We're not even saying, that this is in absence of being able to make decisions. But I just wonder, how many times have we said things or done things because that was our momentum,

Erin: Mm hmm.

Cinnamon: and then we circle back around and we're like, urgh, why did I do that? And then we may have to apologize to somebody. But you know how great our people are at apologizing, right?

Erin: Well, I know how great Humans are at apologizing

Cinnamon: Right, so if I can find a way to avoid making that initial misstep that I'm going to realize an hour or a day later, like, damn, that was harsh. I cannot believe that came out of my mouth. me sound like a jerk, and now I feel really bad, and now I'm on the spot because I know I did something wrong, but I hate apologizing, it's so awkward.

So instead, I'm just going to bring you an icy cold Coca Cola in a can. And then you're supposed to know that I'm sorry,

Erin: Well, I would 

Cinnamon: you would 

Erin: see that as an apology 

Cinnamon: exactly right like as your partner I would know Maybe she would prefer that I verbally acknowledge what I've done But I can at least move it over a little bit if I give her a coca cola and a can that's ice cold

Erin: Yeah, and part of the reason why it's challenging when we're in the midst of our own decision making or hard choices is because there is so many emotions attached. And that's why it's easy for us to go to our friends and be like, Hey, what's your opinion on this? Or how do you feel about this?

And then be like, Oh yeah, I'd totally do this. Well, they aren't emotionally invested into that scenario or that situation. They're not playing all sides of the field. 

Cinnamon: they, don't have a dog in the fight. 

Erin: yep, Cinnamon's, they don't have a dog in the fight, so yeah, the emotions definitely play a big role in all of the choices that we make, but how can we balance our emotions, with rational thinking during this process?

Cinnamon: Oh, what a great question, Erin. when we think about like, even if we were to make a pro con list, what are the pros and the cons of this choice I have to make? we may, even number our lists and we get to the bottom and we're like, we have ten each.

Erin: Mm hmm.

Cinnamon: But if one of mine is, way more emotionally driven and it really just holds more weight to me, Like, let's say my decision is, do I want to move? And one of the cons of moving is I've spent three years making my house perfect for my family. That would be a more weighted item on, the cons of leaving list. Then if I were to put, I won't be as close to a dog park,

 Like those don't hold that same weight. So we can't just look at it in terms of, okay, we have 11 on this side and 11 on this side, or 10 on this side and 11 on this side. So therefore that's what wins.

 We have to factor in the different weight and how we typically do that can be determined on the logical reasoning of it. Or, that emotional factor. 

 so you have to find that middle ground. you don't want to... Make your whole entire decision straight from logic, because that's what I can provide, I can provide to somebody else. Wow, it sounds like X, Y, and Z and they may even agree with that But they're like, oh, but this other part, So you can't just do it from logic because then it doesn't feel like a good decision and you can't do it just out of emotion because emotion comes and goes and what you're left with is logic and you're like I didn't make this other decision because of X, Y, and Z and man, I don't feel that way anymore and now I'm stuck with this decision.

So we have to find that sweet spot and in DBT we just call it wise mind where we're balancing that emotional piece with that logical or rational piece. Well

Erin: Imagine if we all walked around with a wise mind. so we're kind of rattling off a bunch of stuff to you You might be wondering why in the heck we're even talking about this in the first place with you specifically about the importance of balanced decision making. And so Cinnamon, can you explain to our listener why this tool is especially a great resource and tool for our responders and our listeners?

 what might be prohibiting them from feeling like they can make these informed decisions, these decisions easier, you know, like, is there something within their nature based on their career, based on the things that they do every day that might cause more conflict when it comes to making these hard, tough choices, 

Cinnamon: do you know what the answer is? Are you just asking me 

Erin: I'm asking you as a therapist, as a trauma therapist, is there something going on in the brain with, our responders specifically based on the trauma, based on the stress, based on the things that they are up against every day that might cause them to find this resource even more valuable as opposed to just your everyday person. that's what I'm kind of...

Cinnamon: I think it goes back to being trained due to the necessity to make very quick decisions and to be able to stand by those, So I may make a decision, if it doesn't go right, I still gotta own it. And when it affects my relationship with other people or my personal life, I may, be less okay with what decision I made because it's not just going around the block. And so that standard operating procedure of making a rapid decision based on the facts or thoughts that you have in that moment are not necessarily going to translate. Into our personal lives where we don't have that same level of urgency, but we're trained that way. So we just make these really quick decisions and this actually is a tool to allow us.

To understand how to slow down, how to slow down, how to think this through, how do I take what's spiraling in my head with a what about this and a what about that and bring it out of my head onto the paper where I can think it through. I wouldn't even say so much that it's even necessarily about the trauma.

Although, we know that people can be triggered and make decisions out of trauma. It's more about the training of how to make a decision in the line of duty because it's life or death

Erin: Mm hmm.

Cinnamon: and many times in our personal lives, I don't make a lot of life or death decisions in my personal life. at least not in that like if I don't do this one thing, Somebody could die right now.

And I may long term die because of something I choose to do, but we're allowed to slow down and say, you know what, I don't know yet. That's a good question. Let me, think about that.

Erin: hmm.

Cinnamon: And then we actually get to tap into what the whole picture is. And ultimately that may help us. Get our decisions to a place where they're more holistic, we've considered more things and it aligns more with our values.

Erin: Yeah. So it sounds like it's a tool to avoid more impulsive decision making.

Cinnamon: Yeah, and I would even go one step further. It's a tool that allows me to need to apologize less.

Erin: Which, ding, ding, ding, that might be the thing that,

Cinnamon: That, to me is the thing.

Erin: okay. So as we already said, that in dialectical behavioral therapy, this is called balanced decision making

Cinnamon: Balanced decision making is the skill and we have a worksheet for it to give it a visual for our folks. And.

Erin: it.

Cinnamon: I call, I don't. I call it the Procon Procon sheet.

Erin: Yeah, see, I like that much better. I like the energy you put into it. Like,

Cinnamon: Yeah. Yeah. like, I'm going to surprise you with that. Like you saw the Procon coming. What you didn't see coming was the second Procon. We're going to use the Procon Procon sheet. And my people know what that is. In fact, I used it This past 24 hours with someone,

Erin: can you give us an example of what it looks like? Because as you already said, we get the, baseline pro con, like, should I do this? Should I not do this? Here's the pros and the cons. But when we have pro con, pro con, what's the flip side of that?

What would be the opposite? What's an example?

Cinnamon: I want you to imagine what I would think of as a four square court, you know, back in the day when we had those demonic little red rubber balls that we threw at people,

Erin: hmm.

Cinnamon: people may now refer to it more as like, use a pickleball court to describe it, but it's those four equal squares. So if we are looking at that sheet of paper.

On the left hand side top square it may say good things about option one and then right below it in that left hand bottom corner We're gonna put not so good things about option two and then at the top right corner We're gonna put Not so good things about one and in the bottom We're gonna put good things about option two.

So what you're actually doing is creating columns because there are both pros and cons Not to just like moving right like I can make a pro and con list of do I want to move? But what if I said I'm gonna make a pro con pro con list of if I want to move to this house

Erin: Mm

Cinnamon: So what are the pros and cons of that house at that address?

I can't really make a 360 kind of decision if all I'm deciding is the pros and cons of moving out of my house. Because my pros and cons may not be valid if what I find out later is going to be a shack. You know, I might be able to say, yes, this other house is closer to a dog park, but it's a shack. So, I'm okay being further away from the dog park and also not living in a shack. So, you have to have that second option. Now, if you say, should we move because our house burnt to the ground? That is not this,

Erin: Yeah.

Cinnamon: This is, I have two options, and I need to make a decision.  Do I want to say something, or do I want to hold my tongue? What are the pros and cons of saying something? What are the pros and cons of holding my tongue? Because I can't just look at one, because we're missing a whole, window of a quadrant, of information that actually matters to us.

Erin: hmm.

Cinnamon: maybe I want to hold my tongue because I don't want to hurt your feelings. But one of the cons of holding my tongue is now I got to sit through dinner looking at you with this big leaf of lettuce in your teeth, that can be as simple as that, like, why would I want to tell you? But also why would I not want to tell you? Cause I don't want you to then go, oh my God, check the rest of my teeth. Like no, it's not that big of a deal. Nobody knows you here. I don't care. I'll tell you when we get outside. But then I'm going to have to stare at it, and that'll eat me up. So maybe I do need to tell you.

Erin: and clearly we're not doing a, pro con, yeah, you're doing peripheral stuff. And it's cool to use that kind of stuff just to practice, to get your mind in a space of understanding how this works. 

Cinnamon: And that's exactly what you need to do, you can't just whip this out when the question is, Do I want to change jobs or not? do I want to take the test for this promotion or not? Do I want to ask for a divorce or not?

Erin: right? 

Cinnamon: Right? Like, those are big league questions. That we cannot make impulsively.

We don't want to make thoughtlessly. We want them to be thoughtful, well thought out considered decisions. And so we know that the skills that we offer people, we can't just not use them, not use them. And then you're in a situation where like, Oh, that'd be a great thing to use and think that you're going to be fluent. So we make them on whether or not to tell you that you have lettuce in your teeth.

Erin: Yeah.

Cinnamon: or not to, move to the house with the dog park closer. So we have that muscle memory built up and we know what we're doing. And it comes as a thought of how to handle it automatically. if I'm not practicing it, I'm definitely less likely to on a whim be like, Oh, this is a big decision.

You know what? Uh, at the beginning of therapy, Cinnamon told me about this one pickleball court sheet. Let, let me get it out. No, if we haven't made it part of what we do, we're certainly not going to come up with it in that critical moment.

Erin: Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And again, we. Really want to support you with having tools to guide you through the extremes. Of your day to day life because as we know, no matter how hard we try, the extremes bleed over into our personal lives every single day and we can think that we're doing a fantastic job at keeping work at work and home at home and being able to make these informed decisions and do all the things we, are doing.

However, I love you, but it ain't true. Okay. Like no matter how hard we try and yes, it's a responder thing, but it's also a a human thing. And so in order for you to be able to have resources to counteract the chaos that goes on in your brain, we realize that we get to actually provide those resources for you.

So this whole concept is about avoiding the extreme so that you can find Some middle ground and, pay attention to all your options from a neutral space.

Cinnamon: I want to just speak on what you said about believing that we keep work at work and home at home. I think what that measuring stick is for most people is, do I come home and tell my family what I saw last shift? Do I give them the nitty gritty details? And that's not what we're talking about when we're talking about bringing work home. We're talking about bringing the silent, sullen, checked out, cranky, 

Erin: short fused. 

Cinnamon: never know what I'm gonna get when you get home, never know how your day went. that's what we're talking about. you can never, ever tell any of your family any of the details of what you see. And that still does not mean that you are successfully not bringing work home.

Erin: Right. Yeah.

Cinnamon: And so, when we are in that emotional state, We might be more Reflexive and to have a tool like this that can help us slow down and share this with your spouses Share this with your parents share this with your girlfriends or boyfriends or whatever this isn't a tool for you to use in a dark closet when no one's looking I'm a big advocate of when you leave here go talk to your spouse about what we talked about Show them the resources I gave you so they understand what you're working on and what we're talking about without having to disclose all the things that you say Confidentially to someone who's not those people because you don't want to say those things to those people

Erin: Yeah. basically, to wrap this quick episode up, we are providing you guys a resource again called the Balanced decision making skill. And we will also provide, an option to have the PDF for you all in the show notes if you wanted to use it as a resource, 

Cinnamon: we have that PDF and several other PDFs that are downloadable from our resource room on whole house. com, you can get that one and many more, and we will also put it on the show notes.

Erin: yes, that's a very good idea. The resource room on our practice site does have tons of really awesome, tools and resources and videos and and suggested books and all kinds of things. So feel free to, yeah. Feel free to explore that, but again, we want to make sure that you are getting some tools and some solutions to all the things that we've been so intentionally and passionately sharing with you as to what might be going on. As a result of the stresses of your career, your job, and your life. But as far as this goes, I do want to emphasize, like Cinnamon already said, the practice is the key, so try these on some not so challenging decisions that need to be made for your life and, apply them there just so you can get a good idea of how this works and why it's an effective resource.

Cinnamon: You can even, practice it around the family dinner table. Like, pick something fun and silly. And so not only are you learning about it, but it's a great tool if you have kids. It's a great tool for you and your partner to use. So, one is not trying to use something new, and the other one doesn't know what they're doing, or doesn't have that resource themselves.

I definitely think that you can pick fun things to practice and build up that muscle for your entire family, not just you, but your entire family to be able to become better decision makers.

Erin: Yeah, use it with your kids. Oh, I have to pick one sport, but there's two that I love that are happening this season, so which sport is that going to be? that would be a great thing that you could sit down and do with your kids. Things like that, 

Cinnamon: that's a good example.

Erin: Oh my gosh, I'm just... Every once in a while, man. Every once in a while, one comes. 

Cinnamon: That was you hitting the nail directly in the center of the

Erin: Thank you. Not just like off a little bit.

Cinnamon: Not, yeah.

Erin: So I think the key is life is full of making choices at any given moment. And based on the fact that due to the job, you're constantly just going left, right, on a whim momentum building on that. Yeah.

Going in the forward momentum, this will allow you to pause. It's about the pause. Do you see the pattern here on the things we talk about? It's not about pausing being in a moment. Mm hmm.

Cinnamon: and every time we open our mouths, we are making a decision to speak. Every time we take a step, we're making a decision to move forward. we are making decisions all day long.

And we don't even realize it. So, it makes sense that when we do go to make a decision that we're conscious about, all of the ways that we've unconsciously made decisions is going to be our go to habit.

Erin: Absolutely. Yeah. And, kind of going along the same lines as making decisions, as opportunities, as things that are available for you to learn more about everything that goes on for mental health in the first responder world and receive tools and resources, Cinnamon and I also do want to share with you that first responder conferences.

Goes around nationally and has all these incredible resources and tools and speakers, and it's a two day event. And it just so happens that we will be at the Columbus, Ohio conference coming up September 7th and 8th. And yours truly, well, not me, truly cinnamon. Truly will be one of the presenters sharing her stuff.

Cinnamon: Hey, Erin. Erin, guess. Guess what? 

Erin: what? 

Cinnamon: what topic I'm gonna be speaking on.

Erin: I can't possibly imagine. Um, how to bake cookies?

Cinnamon: not in Columbus. Maybe in another city. That's one guess. What's your next guess?

Erin: Um, I don't know. How to effectively whittle wood?

Cinnamon: Nope, now you're down to one

Erin: Okay, I am maybe on adverse childhood experiences?

Cinnamon: Childhood trauma! Yeah. Yeah, cause that's my jam.

Erin: Which, if you listen to the show, you know this is her jam. so we, we don't want to miss out on the opportunity to share more opportunities and resources for you to grow, develop, heal, discover, however you want to look at it. But First Responder Conferences is all over the country and we will be at the conference in September in Columbus, Ohio. So travel, come visit. Do whatever you got to do, drive up from Cincinnati, down from Cleveland, wherever you are, 

Cinnamon: And come to our table and say hi. we would love to meet people that we don't know yet that might be listening. And we always love to see the people, anytime, that we know is listening. the people that reach out to us, that we already have met. that's always nice to see them. But definitely, If you've been listening, if you are going, if you didn't even know that we were going to be there until just now, come find our table.

Erin: Mm hmm. Yeah. All right. Well, good luck with your balanced decision making there and,

Cinnamon: Go use that wise mind. 

Erin: and please let us know what other stuff you want to learn about, hear about, find effective tools for. We are happy to provide those. So be safe out there.

Cinnamon: Ciao.