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Alright folks, buckle up because today Erin and Cinnamon are calling out that sneaky, progress-blocking beast: self-sabotage. We all do it. We all have that little voice that says, "Why even try?" or "You're just gonna fail anyway." Well, guess what? That voice is full of crap.
In this episode, we break down why we sabotage ourselves, how fear plays the biggest role in keeping us stuck, and most importantly, how one tiny word— yet— can shut that nonsense down. That’s right. The difference between "I can’t do this" and "I can’t do this… yet" is a game-changer.
If you’ve ever found yourself procrastinating, stuck in perfectionism, or talking yourself out of success, this episode is for you. Get ready to reframe your mindset, challenge that inner critic, and learn how to keep moving forward, even when self-doubt comes knocking.
What You'll Learn:
Challenge of the Week:
The next time you catch yourself in a self-doubt spiral, tack on "yet" to the end of the sentence. "I’m not good at this… yet." "I haven’t figured this out… yet." Pay attention to how that one little word shifts your mindset, and let us know how it goes! Tag us on social media or drop us a message—we love hearing from you!
From Front Line to Home Front, Novus Backs Our Bravest. In partnership with Hometown Heroes, Novus supports community champions by making homeownership more accessible and affordable. This collaboration underscores Novus's role as a catalyst for change in the mortgage industry, aiming to simplify and improve the home-buying journey for those who serve our communities. Click HERE to connect with a branch manager.
DISCLAIMER:
After the Tones Drop has been presented and sponsored by Whole House Counseling. After the Tones Drop is for informational purposes only and does not constitute for medical or psychological advice. It is not a substitute for professional health care advice diagnosis or treatment. Please contact a local mental health professional in your area if you are in need of assistance. You can also visit our shows resources page for an abundance of helpful information.
ATTD Music Credits (Music from #Uppbeat):
EP96: Cool Story, Bro!
Cinnamon: [00:00:00] we'll talk about the idea of how self sabotage is the result of wanting to protect ourselves. that little voice in your head is not truthful.
Erin: but we do have good news. there is one tiny little word, only three little letters that can help shut that voice up in your head. And that word is yet. Y E T.
Cinnamon: even as little As it is, it is mighty and it has the power to flip the script on that, self doubt voice
Erin: Self sabotage doesn't have to show up in those big, moments, It can show up in little sneaky ways, like procrastination and perfectionism and the negative self talk, those are the kinds of things that can make us feel stuck.
Cinnamon: It's not about being perfect. It's about recognizing that you're a work in progress and you're going to be a work in progress to the day you die. The power of yet reminds us that growth and change are always possible, no matter what the only way to fail is to stop trying.
Cinnamon: Welcome back to after the tones drop today. Erin and I are going to be talking to you about something that gets in the way of our progress, of our clients progress, I think of everyone's progress at some point, and that is our good friend, self sabotage.
Erin: Yeah. We even have a fun little,
slide in one of our presentations highlighting this specific thing.
Cinnamon: absolutely, and we'll talk about this, the idea of how self sabotage is the result of really just wanting to protect ourselves. you know what we're talking about, right? that little voice in your head that says, Why even try? Or, You're not good enough. Or, you probably shouldn't trust them. You know, and here's the thing. Is that voice is not truthful.
Erin: not at all.
Cinnamon: Not accurate.
Erin: not accurate, but we do have good news. That there is one tiny little baby word, only three tiny little [00:01:00] letters that can help shut that voice up in your head. And that word is yet. Y E T. But here's the thing with the word yet. You can also add that. on the back end of consequences that haven't happened.
Cinnamon: True. It's real handy.
Erin: you know, like I haven't gone to jail right yet, but today we're looking at how to use the word yet to curb self sabotage
Cinnamon: even as little As it is, it is mighty and it has the power to flip the script on that, self doubt voice and that effort, to just keep us down. And so today we're going to kind of break it down and understand how It works, self sabotage is effective, and so we need to find something that can go up against it, that is comparable in power, and that's why we like YET, because we hear clients tell us all the time what they can't do, and [00:02:00] the best answer to that is, Yet.
Erin: Yeah. So let's kind of look at why we sabotage ourselves. And Cinnamon can give a lovely example and a Cliff Snow's version of what we talk about in a presentation, but most of the time it's all stemmed around fear and it's that fear of failing or the fear of looking stupid and even the fear of success.
Because, as we all know, success has its own pressures too, and can. Prevent us from moving forward. How am I going to handle all of that?
Cinnamon: If I win the prize, are they gonna expect me to win the next prize?
Erin: exactly.
Cinnamon: I think what you're alluding to, Erin, is how we talk about the cognitive distortion of
self protection that leads to self sabotage, So if you've been in one of our trainings or one of our presentations, you might have, seen me grab a boyfriend or two out of the crowd.
And I kind of explain, if I'm with, boyfriend A, and I think that we're golden, and then I [00:03:00] find out that he cheats on me and he's been, like, texting other girls. I did not see it coming. I feel like I got hit upside the head by a 2x4. I'm brokenhearted. I'm disappointed. And now, I feel like I got duped.
how can I trust anyone? Because I really trusted this guy. And so I break up with him. I move on. Now I'm really with good person that is compatible with me. Except, guess what? They have a phone too. And the phone becomes a trigger for me. And every time I hear it go off or I see them using it. I go back to that place of how painful it was to find out that, this relationship, I also thought we were in a good place.
So, in an effort to avoid being hurt like that again, I start drilling somebody like, who is that? Who are you talking to? Why are they calling you this late? And eventually, I may lose out on that relationship because they are done with my distrust. Something that they didn't earn that is coming from, somewhere else [00:04:00] that they have nothing to do with.
And so it's like your brain is trying to protect you by keeping you in your comfort zone, but that comfort zone ends up sabotaging you and it's like a dead end if you're trying to grow you are not able to be like, you know what? I made it through that breakup. If that happens again. I will make it through that breakup too, but I am not going to bring that other stuff into this, because I don't want to ruin it, I want to give it a fighting chance.
Erin: Yeah. Self sabotage doesn't have to show up in those big, life changing moments, too. It can show up in all kinds of crazy little sneaky ways, like procrastination and perfectionism and the negative self talk, those are the kinds of things that can make us feel stuck. Like, we're never going to get to where we want to be, we're never going to be good enough, it's never going to happen for me, all of those conversations that we have in our mind.
Cinnamon: But this is where the yet comes in, and me a lot of times the things that you just listed off have a [00:05:00] lot to do with, not feeling the reward of, Doing it and so I need that little extra motivator and it becomes a game changer when I can throw on a yet like, no, I've not been able to have that conversation yet.
No, I've not been able to set that boundary yet. instead of just shutting something down, you tack on the yet and all of a sudden there's possibility.
Erin: Definitely. we talk about mindset a lot on here, about mindfulness, all of those things, but the power of yet is all about mindset. So I really want to highlight that. It is all about the mindset. So instead of saying, I can't do this, you say, I can't do this yet. Just like Cinnamon was touching on the one little word, Y E T, maybe we should get shirts made that just say yet on them.
Cinnamon: Like dot, dot, dot, dot, yet and then end quote.
Erin: Exactly. But that one little word can remind you that your current struggles aren't permanent. everything is temporary and it's all just part of a process. [00:06:00] And when we can look at things like this is just a momentary blip in time, then it makes it so much more easy.
To be kind and gentle to ourselves and to not cut ourselves off at our knees and sabotage ourselves
Cinnamon: So it shifts your focus, from where you can't do What you're working towards and it's like putting a pin in the map so think about if you're trying to solve a problem and I may make a suggestion about how to solve that problem and your answer is why I can't do that Well, I guess we're at a crossroads here like I guess we're done.
I guess you don't get to do what you wanted to because you think that this is where it ends and and I think that happens even a lot in therapy where, we can, offer something for consideration. And if somebody shuts it down, I'm like, well, if you want things to change, you have to do something different. And if you are staying within What you called that comfort [00:07:00] zone of what you have previously been able to do. Well, guess what? You're stuck with that problem.
So do you want to stay comfortable and stay stuck with that problem? Or do you want to get out of that mindset of if I haven't done it yet, then I'm not gonna be able to do it actually be able to push forward. Because we don't have these magical solutions of how to get you to your goals. And also, you don't have to experience discomfort or move your feet.
So, That's the whole point is to be uncomfortable and see that you can do it. And there's even science behind it that backs it up. Carol Dweck. She's a psychologist who studies mindset. And she found out that
Erin: when people embrace a growth mindset, they can create these skills and adapt to these new abilities and improve.
Cinnamon: I think what you're talking about is the idea That instead of having that [00:08:00] closed off mindset, you aren't just talking about a specific event, but if your general mindset is, yeah, I'm going to need to grow if I want to grow, I'm going to have to be able to learn how to do more. and what I'm currently doing.
If you have that overarching mindset, the idea that your skills and abilities can improve if you try, even if you suck at it at first and even if it's uncomfortable, then they are more likely to push through challenges and they're less likely to give up. so we can give you specific situations, but what it really is, how are you thinking about it? And I love when, we have this deep emotional, you think you're, like, helping somebody understand the work that goes into transformation, and then they're like, oh, by the way, before we end, I have one question, how do I stop fighting with my kid? And I'm it's just, there's, it's a mindset, it's not well, [00:09:00] if you stand on one leg and walk in a circle three times, you won't fight with your kid anymore.
Erin: And wouldn't it be great if that's actually what it was, but it's not. Nope. I wish.
Cinnamon: So it's not about being perfect. It's about recognizing that you're a work in progress and you're going to be a work in progress to the day you die. And the idea of having that yet mindset, it's going to keep you moving forward, even when it feels tough, even when you feel like you're in, mud trying to tromp through it, but.
There's going to be all kinds of terrain on your path and you just got to keep moving forward and know that it is not always going to be asphalt paved, but you are still capable.
Erin: Very capable. So let's talk about some actual practical steps. the idea is to kick self sabotage to the curb and start really leaning in to this [00:10:00] tool of yet.
Cinnamon: So you mean like our big motivational speeches about changing mindset won't do the job we actually have to figure out the steps to take? Okay, cool. we can do that. So first we have to recognize that there's an inner critic. And we all have it. I used to call it, I don't do it very much anymore, but P.
T. S. Patty, and Patty is the individual in your life that does not want you to live in a house that has both electricity and running water, because that is that survival at all. mechanism, the one that is going to protect you to the extreme, so there's no possibility of you being in the bathtub and, ignoring the tag on the blow dryer, and you get in the water and turn the blow dryer on.
You remember those tags? Or it's like, don't get in the bathtub with the blow dryer! Yeah, yes, we don't need to be that extreme. But that is what that [00:11:00] inner critic does. It goes to the farthest extreme of keeping us safe. and I think Brene Brown even talks about this. The first one is, you can't do this.
Or something similar. And then if you actually do it, the next thing the inner critic says is, who do you think you are?
Erin: Right.
Cinnamon: And I love how she talks about this. So first we got the inner critic. So when you hear yourself saying, I'll never get this, or why even try, just stay. Take a minute, reframe, replace it with, I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.
Erin: Yeah. Which is a great piggyback into one of AA's finest sayings, which is This is progress, not perfection. And if you can focus on the progress and not the perfection, then you get yourself a gold star for the day. And anybody that works with me knows that I am a gigantic advocate for a wins journal.
And so many of them, I'm like, all [00:12:00] right, get your wins journal out. What are three things that you can celebrate that you did well today? And it can be that you remember to brush your teeth because it's important that we celebrate our small wins no matter what and no win is too small. And I think we can get down on ourselves a lot.
Like say we don't finish a project. Well, okay. Well, what did you get done on that project?Did you take a step forward? Did you make progress in it? Because that counts.
Cinnamon: You can't only celebrate the completion, because that is not enough dopamine in my reward center to keep me going.
Erin: Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
Cinnamon: playing off the example that I used about the kids, if I want my relationship to improve with my kids where, my, Kid is confiding in me and we're having like this great relationship where she comes to me and all of that however, that looks I Get to celebrate in an effort to keep me [00:13:00] positive moving forward that
Well when she got out of the car this morning when I dropped her off at school She didn't slam the door and she said bye mom Like, she didn't do that yesterday. Yes. So that's part of setting intermediate and realistic goals. So sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we aim too high, too fast.
We feel overwhelmed and then we get discouraged. But if we break it down to bite size steps, which that is the only way to get things done. So how do I stop fighting with my kid? Well, One bite at a time, just like, how do you eat an elephant?
Erin: Yeah. And we're going back to a really, really important thing, that is Cinnamon's theme of the year. Which is, you gotta give yourself grace. It's the biggest one, really. The big one is giving yourself grace. It's okay to be messy. You're a [00:14:00] human being. We Have such high standards of ourselves and we're going to have setbacks.
Things are going to come up and it's gotta be okay. It gets to be okay. again, I really want to highlight the key is to keep showing up, keep doing it, even when it's hard, keep doing it. When that inner critic wants to tell you you're a piece of crap or you're never going to be good enough to the point that you just throw in the towel. Just keep showing up.
Cinnamon: let's offer up a real world example that, you listener may relate to. let's say you're the first responder and you're trying to get into better shape, but every time you miss a workout, you tell yourself, Oh, I will never be fit, like why can I, and then you berate yourself on what a failure you are,
Erin: Yeah. then something that you could say instead of completely spiraling out of control about, Oh, all the guys at the firehouse already call me fat or [00:15:00] porky pig, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm never going to get this. And it's always going to be that way. Just say, Hey, I didn't work out today. Yet, tomorrow's another chance. Like me. it is now 4. 15 and I have not done my yoga routine today. So guess what? It doesn't mean, well, I screwed up, might as well just go eat a big chocolate cake. It means I haven't done it yet, we're gonna wrap up, and I'm gonna go do it. I give myself the grace to try again. Because tomorrow's another day.
Cinnamon: I think Glennon Doyle has this article about the path and end. I love it and she's like, whatever you do, don't sit down in the darkest part of the path. Like the only way it can get better is to move forward. So when I hear those things, like what you just said, I missed it and they're like, no, I'm never gonna get it.
I get that voice in your head and it's also like, okay. that's where [00:16:00] we are.
Get used to it or say, all right, we'll restart your day. Erin, it's four 15. You don't go to bed until like 11 between now and 11. Can you find your 20 minutes to do your yoga workout?
Or are you going to be like, I'm real busy. I'm walking around with my club hitting myself. Like it's a beat myself up parade.
Erin: no, I have the power to make that choice at any given time, so I'm gonna make that choice to do it. The only way to get through anything like this is to just do it, do it differently. This is all about the mindset,
Cinnamon: All right. So takeaway. I feel like now I feel like I want to go beat a drum, just like march around my house, like with a pot on my head, like a little kid. that is what I'm envisioning, but instead I probably could go work out. tangent, I have, I've been on a lot of tangents today, I think it's the antibiotics.
Erin: And also sitting at our computer all day. So,yeah, [00:17:00] so here's the real takeaway, the power of yet reminds us that growth and change are always possible, no matter what you're not stuck where you are, there's an opportunity to grow, there's an opportunity to shift, there's an opportunity to start your day over again, but you absolutely have to be the one that chooses it It's always going to be, you can't do it when you don't do it. you're always going to be right if you convince yourself that you can't. So unless you decide that you're going to be stuck, you have an opportunity to do something different.
Cinnamon: If you decide that you can't do it, you are 100 percent right.
Erin: Yep.
Cinnamon: That whole bit.
Erin: Exactly.
Cinnamon: you know, when it does come down to self sabotage, we know that it's just fear in disguise. And that fear is not about what it will be like if we don't accomplish it. It's always about the past [00:18:00] pain we've experienced. When we haven't,
Erin: and if we go back into those situations where that fear is coming from was there a chance that it could have been different if your mindset was different or it, maybe it couldn't have been, but do you want to suffer from that twice?
Cinnamon: well, I don't want to, I don't want to go for a promotion because I didn't get it last time. Well, you're definitely never going to get promoted then. are you going to get the double whammy of not getting promoted last time and not even giving yourself a chance to be promoted this time?
call it out. Replace it with that magic three letter word, yet, and change that mindset and keep moving forward.
Erin: Yeah, so we're going to give you a challenge like we have been lately. Your challenge this week is when you catch yourself in self doubt or that negative self talk, add the yet simple to the end of that sentence. Give yourself an opportunity to flip the script and see how it actually feels inside. Give yourself that [00:19:00] moment to notice.
Cinnamon: I would love it if you let us know how it goes. So drop us a message or tag us on social media. We love hearing from our people when they pick up the gauntlet that we throw down. and are willing to challenge themselves. it's great to know people are growing and we also love to know what you're out there doing.
So How you're breaking up with self-sabotage and leading into growth. I'm down to hear it. Are you Erin?
Erin: I'm down to hear how you kick that self sabotage to the curb. Once you notice that you're doing it, too, it makes it so much easier to interrupt it. I think that's the other thing. Once you realize, oh crap, this is me self sabotaging, because some of us aren't aware of it, it makes it so much easier to do something about it.
So we appreciate you listening to us rant and rave, as I've already shared. I gotta go get on my yoga mat, girl.
Cinnamon: That's
Erin: Cause the day ain't over.
Cinnamon: Day ain't [00:20:00] over. Reset. All right, see you next time folks. And remember, the only way to fail is to stop trying. I.
