Decoding Attachment: A Journey Through Attachment Styles

EP45: Decoding Attachment

Erin: We are back and here today to talk to you about one of our more requested, topics that people are really looking for some information on, and that is attachment styles. So we've brought you the ACEs, the Adverse Childhood Experiences. We have brought you boundaries, and now we are bringing you attachment styles, and those topics all fold in together.

We would recommend if you haven't checked them out already to go back in time and check out the ACES series and the Boundaries series, or it's not even a series, it's one episode that we just recently released in January, just so you have a good foundation and it all makes sense for you.

But I know we're going to have some real happy clients and listeners that we're finally doing this. And since it is a lot of content. We are going to break it up into a two part series. So, today we're really going to be looking at, what the hell is attachment styles and why does it matter to me?

And then we'll get into a little more detail next week on part two [00:01:00] of this little series that we're putting together for you.

Cinnamon: Yeah, it works out perfectly. So when we're explaining ACEs or adverse childhood experiences, we're talking about, here are the things that can happen to us in our childhood that can have a negative or detrimental impact on our physical or emotional or social health. And now talking about attachment styles, we're basically looking at this relational part of what can happen from those adverse, experiences. 

 when we're talking about attachment styles, the first thing that we should probably hit on is, what the hell are attachment styles? what is that word and what does it mean? 

Erin: yeah.

Cinnamon: would you like me to talk to you a little bit about, how it all got started? Around like attachment theory, which can be relatively [00:02:00] brief. I'm not, we're not needing to go into a huge history lesson, but I think it is important.

Erin: it may be valuable to our listener, if you want to touch on it.

Cinnamon: one of the things that I've been doing for a long time, as a clinician is suggesting to clients who are curious about things like this to go look up attachment theory on Wikipedia. It is a little bit more of a, digestible manner of reading about it, but ultimately what it comes down to is a long time ago some guy figured out that How we interact as children with our caregivers or parents?

 can Going exactly where you want it to be and so there is that and I try to make sure that you can remember that the um, TheThe connection is are many times that like obviously we can't. Inevitably determine how we behave in relationships as adults. And therefore attachment theory was born.

And I always like to reference like if you ever been in. like a psychology class. They might show you videos of a mom and a baby playing in room that they're being recorded on. Those are [00:03:00] going to be your Bowlby or somebody else that worked on attachment theory, Mary Ainsworth, those are their experiments.

Erin: Mm hmm.

Cinnamon: So the idea is that they are watching what happens, to an infant when the mom is in the room, when the mom leaves the room, when the child or infant recognizes that mom is out of the room, and then how they come back, and they broke those down into some specific attachment styles, and of course, because it was a long time ago, everybody likes to improve on the original, and there's other things that get in there and make it a little more hairy, but I feel like you get the understanding when we just go with the bare bones stuff.

basically attachments are the patterns of our emotional bonds that we create, in early childhood based on our relationship with that primary caregiver. as an infant, if I experience my caregiving to be compassionate, [00:04:00] efficient, or timely, or need sensitive, then I am going to develop a secure attachment.

 I am going to understand that relationships are safe, and that I can count on people to do what they're meant to

Erin: meet my needs. 

Cinnamon: To meet my needs, exactly. that may look like in those old timey videos, where, mom leaves the room, baby's content for a minute, and then all of a sudden, baby realizes mom's gone, may start crying, mom comes back into the room, picks up baby, baby's consolable.

So that means that mom is a representation of safety and has come back in the room and everything is better. so that's where we start into our first attachment style, which is secure and There's actually about 50 percent of people out there that have a secure attachment. I don't know a lot of them, 

Erin: I don't think I know any.

Cinnamon: any right. 

Erin: [00:05:00] Well, like attracts like, right? They say. 

Cinnamon: well, yeah, I mean, you think about even our lives as well as our professional careers, people aren't signing up to hang out with us because everything is fabulous, you know, so, the stats may be shocking, but indeed we do have at least half of a well adjusted country. And then we start getting into the other attachment styles that probably is where we need to spend most of our time on this episode, as well as the next episode. 

Erin: Yeah, and these are often the attachment styles that We hear the most about, or sometimes they even come up in a joking manner, and we might not be calling it such and such attachment, but we're clear, like, I show up in relationships anxious, or skittish, or untrusting, or, I'm, or jealous, or I'm a doormat,

Cinnamon: Needy. Clingy.

Erin: Absolutely. And so these are the ones we tend to hear about [00:06:00] more because obviously if someone has a secure attachment, there's nothing that needs to be said, right? They just show up in a confident space and they, are trusting and they know how to maintain their boundaries and so on and so forth. Now these other ones though might look a little more different or even obvious.

Cinnamon: so when we think about what goes into creating our attachment styles, it kind of makes sense when we have in opposition to secure, we have insecure and under the insecure umbrella, we have, couple of different things, but it depends on my caregiver responsiveness. How quickly again, are my needs met?

It's that consistency of care. So I need to understand that my care is predictable, right? if I cry, someone's going to come meet whatever need I have. The next thing is going to be that parental sensitivity. So if you [00:07:00] respond to me and you respond to me consistently, it doesn't pay off if my parent is insensitive to my needs.

And that can even look like something like I fall and wreck my bike, right? And I scrape up my knee and I get told, suck it up, dust it off, rub it down, whatever we 

do, to tell kids. There's a spit on it. Yeah, and ultimately that's for our comfort and convenience, right? Because if my kid can just get up and get back on the bike and go That's a less emotional labor that I have to put forth.

 there has to be think there has to be some sensitivity in there. There has to be an accurate, perception of what my actual need is. It's not necessarily that I have a scraped knee. Is that I'm trying to learn a new thing and it didn't go right that time. So. It's about responding to those emotional needs. And that is going to ultimately help create that secure attachment. 

Erin: [00:08:00] Yeah, I want to emphasize that emotional needs part because, like you said, if we are injured as a child or crying and our parents meet us with anger, then automatically it's going to be one of those things where it's like, oh, well, I might get my parents attention, but it's unsafe. And so highlighting that part of safe, which was touched on a few minutes ago.

Cinnamon: I mean, I can think of. Situations where. Maybe a child's safety is in jeopardy, and a parent is very distraught, and that distress shows up as anger, and it almost like compounds. The problematic nature of this encounter because they are, not helping the situation. They're actually making it worse and creating more chaos and more emotional distress.

And then, of course, whether it is at the hands of a caregiver or another adult, or it's just Shit that happens, those early life [00:09:00] experiences, if there is a lot of trauma, if there is negligence, if there is a lot of household dysfunction, that's obviously going to impact how we learn to attach to people. So now let's kind of get into those different attachment styles.

Erin: Okay. 

Cinnamon: So we talked a little bit about the secure attachment. What I would call like comfort in your own skin. And the ability to be intimate or close and vulnerable with someone with comfort when it's appropriate. And the ability to be independent and take care of oneself when it's appropriate.

So it's not one way or the other and one is good and one is bad. It's that an individual has learned that they are self sufficient, they will have their needs met when necessary and that they also can meet their own needs. But when we get into anxious, attachment, that's when it starts looking different.[00:10:00] 

Erin: I mean, I can speak a lot on anxious attachment, such as my life, I feel like, 

Cinnamon: I was born at a very young age. 

Erin: correct it was, and,

Cinnamon: Right? We start into... 

Erin: a hundred percent, Those folks that experience anxious attachment, there's a lot of, seeking kind of behaviors going on there. Like, I'm seeking approval.

I'm seeking attention. I'm seeking intimacy. those types of things where, I mean, if we think about how anxiety makes us feel, if we're looking at that, I feel anxious feeling, that's how it is in terms of, how I present when I'm in relationship with others. Does that make sense?

Cinnamon: Yeah. It's that fear of not getting what you need. Or not being enough, or being less than, we can talk about worthiness, because we can start to think that the reasons that our parents don't care for us is because we don't deserve it, right?

Erin: Also, losing something that you have. You see [00:11:00] people like you had already touched on with being clingy. So not getting something that we need or want and or losing something that we already have. Perhaps a relationship or a job or a friendship or those things that get all about. Mm hmm.

Cinnamon: yeah, man, I feel like Anxious attachment styles, anxious, insecure attachment styles are probably the easiest attachment style that we can see as problematic. And when we have literally a phrase called Stage 5 Clinger. When we look at the other attachment styles that we'll get into, they're not going to be the most obvious ones, or they're going to look maybe problematic, but they're not going to be as burdensome, perhaps to others.

I feel like with the anxious attachment style, it can be very exhausting, that constant need for reassurance You know, the idea of like self fulfilling prophecies, [00:12:00] right? I'm afraid you're going to leave. I'm going to get so damn clingy that you don't. And then you're like, Oh my God, this is too much.

I've got to get away. And then it's I knew it. I knew it. They, I'm not worthy. And if we don't have that awareness, we don't realize that we're doing it. I use a very particular book with my clients. I feel like it's accessible. It's helpful. I love the way it's written and I want to share something out of it because I read it to my clients and when I think it's appropriate, a hundred percent of the time they smile, right? Not that like, Oh, that's a lovely sentiment, but like that, Oh, I know. Right. 

Cinnamon: And it says, Perhaps when you were a child, you were put in an unfair position to help a parent feel better when they were having a hard time. Of course you complied at the time because that's what we do when our survival is dependent on the well being of someone else.

We pitch in, but developmentally, when you're asked to do this before you have the resources to take care of yourself, [00:13:00] you're doing it out a sense of survival anxiety, which then can be built into your blueprint of what is needed to get love from someone. So I have to be a certain thing, or I have to do a certain thing to get your love.

Because I don't deserve it just simply by being. So yeah, you're gonna see those performances

Erin: this is kind of segwaying into the next attachment style, do you think it's common for folks with anxious attachment to, get into a relationship with or be attracted to people with avoidant attachment?

Cinnamon: Hmm. 

 Cinnamon: I don't know if they would necessarily seek it out, what I can tell you, it would probably not go well, right? Because once we get into the other type, when we're talking about an avoidant attachment style, the last thing they, Are looking for is that need them

Erin: yeah, 

Cinnamon: right that demand something from

Erin: [00:14:00] sure. So let's talk about avoidant attachment.

Cinnamon: Okay, so this is where in opposition to an anxious attachment where I Need people to help complete me in whatever way that is Avoidant attachment. I'd like to say they would die before letting you know that they have a need Right? they are self sufficient, they are independent, they,can even downplay the importance of relationships, of, emotional connection with other people, and they oftentimes, have difficulty trusting others.

so, as much as you think an anxious attachment style makes sense, oddly enough, so does the exact opposite. If I don't have consistent predictable, sensitive, compassionate, care, then the last thing I'm going to do is continue to be dependent on other people because they have proven. That you can't count on them.[00:15:00] 

and we have clients like that. I think they're everywhere. And, but again, that is not necessarily a behavior that's going to stand out in the same way as someone who's anxiously attached. Someone that's avoidant is actually going to be pretty convenient a lot of times. They are low maintenance in direct opposition of the anxious attachment. 

Erin: Except when you're in relationship with them and you're trying to resolve conflict. ha 

Cinnamon: it's all in the name, right? They are going to avoid, avoid, avoid. And oftentimes they will swallow stuff and just want it to be okay, rather than have to address it. when you don't have that consistency of, emotional or physical caretaking, it makes perfect sense that I'm going to hustle.

To make sure by God no one can ever hurt me again because I don't need anyone I'm not creating a life in [00:16:00] which other people can continue to disappoint me. 

Erin: Absolutely.

Cinnamon: Then we roll into the third style and this is little bit newer It's not necessarily one of the original ones, but we call it disorganized.

Erin: this is one you tend to not put on your list.

Cinnamon: Yeah, I don't because I feel like I'm, not a black and white thinker But I think when you're first introducing some of these concepts you gotta stick to the black and white And then at the 201 level we get into the gray But I definitely don't want someone to be listening today and hear I don't have a place.

There's no place for me in this. I got a little of this and a little of that. I just, none of this calls to me. And so Disorganized is also known as like the fearful avoidant. So you've got the fear from the anxious side, and then you also have that avoidant nature. So it's a fear of intimacy, of getting close to people.

And when I [00:17:00] say intimacy, Nine times out of ten, I'm not talking about sex or, being intimate with a particular partner. It's about that vulnerability. Finding your triple x friends, right? You know, I love the PG 

Erin: Yeah, actually being close with someone, letting them see the insides.

Cinnamon: Yes, like that you are the most authentic version of you, even the ugly parts with that person, right? So they have a fear of that intimacy and they also have a fear of abandonment. And so it's almost like, if you know me so well, Of course, you would not want to be with me. So for me, to avoid getting abandoned, to also avoid intimacy. And how many of us have heard somebody say, or we have said ourselves, if you really knew me, you wouldn't think that. 

Erin: Yeah, I mean, I've said it in times of my life. Yeah.[00:18:00] Well, that's interesting. Let me put this out there. This might be a little taboo. Do you think attachment styles show up differently depending on gender?

Cinnamon: yes, I do. I think that, even within the attachment concept, we're still being socialized based on our gender in society, right? So, little girls wear pink, little boys wear blue, little girls get to cry and have the whole spectrum of emotions, and little boys, we don't do those things, right?

 so, When we're looking at some of the genderized behaviors, you're going to probably see more of an anxious attachment showing up in the female population and a more avoidant attachment showing up in the male population. And when we think about how those things play out, we don't hear a lot of men getting called by a group of women a stage 5 clinger, right?

Like that's not who we Imagine when we think of [00:19:00] Erin's like let me tell you about my dating history.... 

Erin: Yeah, I've got a few back there...

Cinnamon:  That is a whole other episode Maybe when we go through what we call we used to call a relationship autopsy yeah, so I do think that there are tendencies and I don't think that it is an automatic when you do factor in socialization You're more likely to expect a man to be independent and, be in a position to not only take care of themselves, but to take care of their family and to be that protector.

So when you encounter a man with an anxious attachment style, their relationship behind closed doors may look a little bit different than what we would traditionally think of a heterosexual, marriage. Does that?

Erin: Yeah, I mean of course Asking these questions because I'm thinking about my own life and those that are around me the people that I relate to the most And [00:20:00] being able to pick up on what I believe their attachment styles are just from being around them. And it does seem like, oh, the, female population of the folks I know seem to be more anxious and the male population I am in relationship with seem to be more of the avoidant. But it makes sense because a lot of that societal stuff is taught to us obviously when we're children and it's all kind of lumped in. 

Cinnamon: and, here is an underlying factor that also I think ties into, how gender comes up in even child care, In addition to socialization is that anxious attachment styles are more frequently associated when caregivers are inconsistently responsive or overly involved, 

Erin: like helicopter parents. 

Cinnamon: right?

Erin: Yeah.

Cinnamon: Yes. And then avoidant attachment style is more commonly seen when caregivers are consistently unresponsive.

Right? So [00:21:00] before it was inconsistently responsive, this is consistently unresponsive or emotionally unavailable during childhood, So that could, be something like parentification, When kids have to take care of the parents or, like what I read a little bit ago, there's something going on in your family it can be like an illness, right?

Like it doesn't even have to be that, parents are doing anything quote wrong but a child is asked to do things in the household to help manage the household That are way above their pay grade and that they are not developmentally Ready to handle yet.

Erin: Mm hmm. 

Cinnamon: so Then they're putting All of these responsibilities that are not age appropriate onto someone.

And then when we talk about that disorganized style, that is more associated with early experiences of trauma or inconsistent caregiving. the thing that [00:22:00] pops into my mind with that one is like foster care.

Cinnamon: if I'm in foster care, one, there's a reason, and two, we know that it's going to probably also include inconsistent caregiving, whether that is, I don't have someone that identifies me as their, day to day responsibility, that it shuffles around, so wouldn't that make sense? If I fear intimacy and having somebody get to know me and I'm also afraid of abandonment and if we're afraid of abandonment one of the things that we can do to avoid it

Erin: Every time! I'mma leave you before you leave me. Mm hmm. Ha ha! ha! 

Cinnamon: Can we just talk about Casablanca? Everyone likes to see Humphrey Bogart as this guy who is like, you know, trying to do the right thing and puts the love of his life on that plane and sends her off with this other guy. [00:23:00] But for folks like us, when we see that, what we see is the fact that he is like, I'm gonna put your ass on this plane and look like a good guy.

Because I'm not going to set myself up for you to stay here, me to like it, and then you surprise me one day and say, I gotta... 

Erin: Mm hmm. 

Cinnamon: We call them runners.

Erin: Yep. Been there, done that. So how do these particular attachment styles actually affect our interactions with people in the world?

Cinnamon: when we think about what we've just talked about, you're gonna see themes around communication, intimacy, trust, needs for reassurance, fear of abandonment, those intense emotions, how they're received, how they're expressed. So yeah, with a secure attachment. You're going to see more things like healthy and appropriate, honest, open communication, 

Erin: Healthy and appropriate. It almost sounded like you said inappropriate.

Cinnamon: oh, healthy and appropriate. Yes. now think about that. [00:24:00] Think about why we tend to not be open and honest, We're trying to talk about something and if I have a fear of you leaving me or if I have a fear of you Not being able to meet my need, I'm going to hesitate around being honest and open in my communication. So we're going to see that go with the secure attachment.

Erin: Yeah.

Cinnamon: when we're talking about intimacy, secure attached folks are going to be able to Balance that intimacy and independence. They're going to have a better idea of how to regulate their emotions. And so they're less likely to make grandiose statements such as I hate you, or, I want a divorce, or I want you to leave, you know, something that maybe looks more impulsive, that we might regret later. And then conflict resolution, securely attached people see conflict as something that naturally occurs.

Because you cannot have two people in a room that are going to agree all the time. And so when you're looking at the [00:25:00] anxiously attached or even the avoidantly attached, you're going to see more of that desire to not have conflict because it feels so dangerous and risky.

Whereas securely attached folks are like, of course, we're going to have differing opinions. It doesn't have to mean that this is the end of a relationship. 

Erin: Right. 

Cinnamon: so when we get into more of the avoidant attachment, they're gonna prioritize independence and what their individual needs are over the relationship. So if that means that, I'm in a bowling league and we can be in a relationship as long as you understand that Tuesday nights are going to be when I go bowl. And that no part of this relationship, your needs, your family needs, don't tell me that your niece's birthday party is on a Tuesday night I'm not coming. I have bowling, 

Erin: Yeah. Which, to me, that kind of sounds like healthy boundaries and being able to have your own life in a relationship. 

Cinnamon: so, what you're talking about is going to [00:26:00] be that flexibility. That's what differentiates it. Yes, we want people to have their own interests and we want them to not be a pushover and we're, somebody can just dismiss what their schedule says, but it's the idea that it's no matter what, this is, you are not going to tread on my Tuesday night bowling league where it could be, you know what, my niece has a birthday once a year, it happens to fall on a Tuesday.Can you please come? Of course, I can pre bowl or get a sub, whatever, 

Erin: I see what you're saying. But there is no negotiating. in that avoidant attachment style, 

Cinnamon: Right. it also can look like after I say that I might peace out for a little bit because I'm going to avoid any conflict that comes up from not having that flexibility. You're also going to see more emotional distance and aloofness.

There's going to be difficulty trusting, to the point where they may just avoid. like a committed, intimate relationship. they tend to downplay the [00:27:00] importance of emotions and focus on, like, facts and logic.  And then, of course, embedded in all that is 

Erin: facts and logic? They're facts and logic.

Cinnamon: their facts and logic. Yes. Yes. and all of that is a result of that fear of vulnerability. And then we get into the disorganized attachment and that gets a little chaotic because disorganized is a little bit of both, right? So now we have ambivalence, we have still that fear of rejection. now we can't predict behavior because they might push and they might pull.

They are also likely to self sabotage. And again, they're going to have difficulty with trust. Trust is going to show up in all of these insecure attachment styles because If I couldn't trust the two people that brought me into 

this world to take care of me, why in the hell would I trust anybody else to care about me and my needs?

Erin: So they're secure, 

Cinnamon: secure and there's insecure. And then under [00:28:00] insecure are avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. 

Erin: and all of those along the lines of distrust. Okay. some capacity. Some way, shape, or form.

Cinnamon: the ability to trust and balance intimacy appropriately, and Independence. And to be able to judge those accurately based on the situation in front of you, not all of this past experience. 

Erin: Mm hmm. Makes sense. this is kind of like the, preface to Our next episode that we have coming up, which is really going to lean more into how these different attachment styles specifically affect the first responder, how they might show up in leadership, how they might show up in their marriages, how they might show up as parents.

And we couldn't just jump right into that part without giving you the context, as to how these directly affect first responders. So. If you need to, again, go back and listen to the aces in the boundaries [00:29:00] episode, get yourself real nice and educated and, a good foundation and understanding this.

And I'm sure next week when you join us for part two of the attachment style episodes, you're going to hear your story. It's going to make sense. I expect some aha moments from our listeners want

Cinnamon: to our listening population, people start to hear themselves, they start to see themselves in these, and the one thing that I want to make clear, because I don't want anyone to have to wait a week to find out that these are established in childhood, but they are not permanent, are going to be things that we will talk about that they can do around like personal growth to help, mitigate some of these knee jerk things around how we perceive relationships. And it really does all come down to relationships. while yes, it would be lovely if we all had secure attachments.

We know that [00:30:00] families experience all kinds of challenges. So of course that means that we're going to have folks that have had, inconsistent or unresponsive, caretaking. therefore from that is going to be born that anxious attachment style, the avoidant attachment style and the disorganized attachment style.

 to understand your attachment style gives you almost like a, Leg up because what might be our blind spots that maybe other people can clearly see As far as like our adult behavior, how we're doing things, it may just make perfect sense to us and we cannot understand why anybody does it any differently.

But when we understand how we get there, it makes it so much easier to make any changes that one feels they would like to make.

Erin: you're telling me there's a chance there's still hope.

Cinnamon: still got hope. man. There's still hope. 

Erin: Awesome. [00:31:00] We hope this was valuable and supportive and we can't wait to fill you in on the deets behind attachment styles and first responders next week. So come back and check it out.