Emotional Forensics: Behind the Scenes of a Meltdown

EP50: Emotional Forensics

Erin

[00:00:00] 

Erin: As much as we love to bring everybody, all of these guests that we have, because we think that there's so much value in those, as you all know, we're nerdy clinicians who love to share the tools that are available through therapy, but also just through, having some, self awareness in your life.

And often we, will experience things in life and it'll be like the event happened and the next thing you know, we've lost our shit and there's no in between or understanding as to what happened. And so sometimes when I'm talking to my clients, they'll be telling me a story and there'll be lot of fear about it, for example.

And I'll say, okay. let's figure out why there's all this fear. And they'll start with a surface issue and they'll say, okay, and then what? What's under that? And then they'll give me the second thing underneath that. And then we'll get down to them basically living in a van down by the river and homeless and alone.

So it's like this worst case [00:01:00] scenario. that one event that seems sometimes insignificant can go to tragedy in the blink of an eye and they're in full blow panic and anxiety. Well, there is a very valuable tool that is used and if you've been in therapy, it's been used on you.

And so this might sound familiar, but this is also something that you don't have to go to therapy to understand and utilize in your day to day life. And. Before we started, Cinnamon even touched on the familiarity that this particular tool may have for some of you. Why was that, Cinnamon?

Cinnamon: Because it's like detective work, or what I also got excited about saying is forensic analysis. I don't, it's like tactical yoga or tactical journaling, right? but yeah, it feels like we're taking something that It feels very natural, like it just happens, and we don't always know why or how we ended up where we ended up, [00:02:00] and this is a easy, simple tool to help us understand.

 And I feel like it's always so important to understand. Why you're doing what you're doing, because knowing that, that's where the motivation to do something different comes, right? if I don't understand what's happening, and I don't understand how I'm contributing to my own, suffering or discomfort, it's so easy to find ways to Make it somebody else's fault, play ourselves as the victim, and feel like we don't have any control, right?

And sometimes we use the excuse of not having control as Like a free pass, when I ask folks like, what do you think was underneath The motivation to do what you did I get a lot. I don't know and i'm like, okay So now we know that off the top of your head. You're not sure [00:03:00] what just happened or why it happened That doesn't mean you have to stay in the dark.

We have ways to dig through that because I don't know can either be an indicator of a lack of self awareness or laziness,

Erin: that's what I say to my daughter, That's her first response, I don't know. And we started saying, I don't know is a lazy response. Give yourself an opportunity to think about it and answer. 

Cinnamon: sometimes when I ask questions that I know is going to likely generate or can possibly generate an I don't know question, I will preface it by telling a client, I don't want you to whip out an answer. I want you to sit with my question for, at least five seconds and just think about it.

Because I feel like I don't know is such like a knee jerk response and it's really challenging to, balance that whole thing of you have all the answers within you. My job is to just help extract them [00:04:00] and. When people are like, I don't know and i'm like, all right

Erin: Your job is to hold the flashlight while they dig.

Cinnamon: Yes, I because I can't excavate those answers for them. They're yours otherwise You might as well just have a cookie cutter modality that anybody can use and anybody can find relief in or, insight. And, man, if we had that, trust and believe, it would have already been out there and, we would have gladly worked ourselves out of business.

Erin: Yeah, and we do hope to work ourselves out of business occasionally, but yet there's still a great need for outside support, so,this particular tool that is used is the behavior chain analysis. to piggyback on something Cinnamon had just said, something that I have realized over my years of like self awareness and self discovery and emotional intelligence and therapy and AA, all the crap, [00:05:00] all the shit that I've done to heal and learn more about myself.

I have come to the understanding that I can no longer play stupid because I am very clear what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And sometimes that's a really, really great benefit in my life and it serves me. And other times I'm like, damn it, I just want to play...

Cinnamon: I wish I didn't know.

Erin: I just want to play stupid. I just want to sit here and be angry about this. so, to be able to have those tools and it's definitely a lot less painful when you have the tools. But once you know, you know. So now we're going to make

Cinnamon: And you can't un-know.

Erin: Oh, right.

Cinnamon: just to do that official, information piece, the behavior chain analysis is a piece, it's a tool under dialectical behavior therapy, oftentimes referred to as DBT, and it was actually started by a woman who had borderline personality disorder because most people, that have borderline personality disorder have a very difficult [00:06:00] time.

In therapy frequently, and there's also, even amongst our clinical community, frequently an aversion, to a certain personality disorders, borderline being one of them. But the more and more we, as clinicians, get familiar with the tools, DBT is basically the serenity prayer. like the acceptance of what I can't change the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

So DBT is set up to teach us how to, regulate ourselves in a situation that we can't change and how to change things when we can to relieve our own discomfort And sometimes that is going to translate over to Regardless of a diagnosis or you don't even have to have a disorder to make this make sense.

And this is one of my favorite tools to use. [00:07:00] I love it because I can use it after an event that went sideways, So I can use it reactively to examine a behavior. And then make sure or work towards not repeating it, I can use it proactively to explain how things come about.

And then third, I can use it to help somebody understand somebody else's behavior. And the thing that I say that goes most like challenged in terms of like your crazy lady is when I say, I can't make you mad. Because. It is so common for us to say you made me mad or she made me mad And when anybody around me says that the first thing that comes out of my mouth is No, I didn't.

No, you didn't. No, she didn't 

Erin: Yeah, and then people are like, screw you, lady. Yes, she did. I know how I'm feeling right now,

Cinnamon: So when I whip this out, [00:08:00] and luckily it is a worksheet that we have on the whole house website for the practice, I grab my iPad, I pull up the PDF and I show people and you don't have to like it to make it true. And,I frame it as one, it gives us a free pass to not be responsible for our emotions, our behaviors.

Which is why people tend to hesitate or reject this initially. But it also makes us responsible for changing things. And I can't blame other people for my feelings or my behaviors. And I've had clients tell me that they didn't know that emotions and behaviors were two different things.and I'm like, you can feel angry without behaving angrily and It's been like what? How you can because I've had people say like I'm allowed to have my [00:09:00] feelings and I'm like, yeah but you're not allowed to act like an asshole and... 

Erin: you are allowed, but you're going to have consequences.

Cinnamon: yeah, it's not like well, I'm allowed to have my feelings. So therefore I have a free pass to behave However, I want so if I say I can't make you mad One, you can't pass the book on taking responsibility for your feelings and behavior.

And two, my goal is to actually, once you get past not being able to be a victim, is to show you where you can re empower yourself. And that's actually kind of cool. Because if I am not the problem, then I have to wait for the problem to come up with a solution. And there are a lot of people in our lives that piss us off.

That are not going to circle back around to find us a solution and, you know, bring it like Uber Eats.

Erin: and be willing to work with you. 

Cinnamon: Oh, yeah. 

Erin: this whole thing has been a great segue into breaking this down a little bit about, What the behavior chain is. Well, it's basically detective work [00:10:00] to figure out the chain of events that take place to get us from situation to reaction and outcome.

That's the easiest way to break it down. so there's various parts in breaking down the steps of the behavior chain and what that looks like. And so now we can get more specific on what that looks like for you. What's the first thing, Cinnamon? 

Cinnamon: before we even get started into that, I would say, if you are more of a visual learner, or you're a, multi format learner, pause us and hop over to the Whole House website, to the resource room. And, grab this PDF so you can see what it looks like as we're talking about it, because I think that can also be important as any cycle, It starts somewhere and it rolls right to the end, but then it also, as it's rolling to the end, it starts at the beginning again. And so to, for some folks, that visual may be helpful.

Erin: And I [00:11:00] can put this on after the tones drop. I mean, that seems to make more sense to, than to have them be redirected. So it'll be on the resource portion of after the tones drop. But go visit whole house. com too, if you want.

Cinnamon: well, and Erin, can this be something that we put in our show notes?

Erin: Of course,

Cinnamon: All right. So there we go. There's so many ways for you to find this. 

Okay. So the way the behavior chain analysis works is we identify the activating event. when we talk about it being a proactive or a reactive resource and tool, when we're talking about an activating event, we can either. Use a hypothetical scenario that could potentially happen in the future or a concern of you know How am I going to engage with this particular person?

But it also can be an excellent way to break down what has already happened. So we don't repeat behaviors that cause us [00:12:00] issues in our relationships one of the things that I have figured out doing the work is I don't like how it feels in my body to be angry. I don't like what it feels like to have, resentments.

Like it just doesn't feel good. And so if I can find something that will help me not get to that place. I'm happy to have it Because I prefer to not lose my focus on what's important, but be an individual that stews So we start with that activating event and the activating event. it's super simple What would an activating event is what gets the ball rolling, right? 

It's what Starts us all off and this is where when I say I can't make you angry and people like give me The Rock eyebrow. Yeah, the stink eye I'm like, well, hang on. Let me explain Because most of us think about if I say you make me mad or you made me mad it's [00:13:00] I am mad about what you did and what you did is what activating event, but That is on a cycle, putting the activating event, and then the very next thing is your feeling, right?

And that's actually not how it works. And it makes sense once you hear me say it, but that's not how we think about it. Between the time of the activating event and us having a feeling about the activating event, We have this whole step that is actually the most important step in all of it, and that is our interpretation, our thoughts, the way we have created a narrative around that activating event.

And I have the same example that I use pretty regularly, once we get to the end of it, I'll roll it out so people can see what it looks like in action. If the story I come up with about what you did is negative, [00:14:00] then it's likely to generate negative emotions. Me getting hurt, me getting angry, me getting frustrated, me feeling left out, me feeling rejected.

All of those negative, thoughts comes from the negative interpretation. If I interpret it neutrally or positively, Guess what? I'm going to have neutral or positive emotions and feelings about whatever happened and once we have created our Interpretation and generate that feeling that sends us off on this trajectory that can be a make or break in a relationship and the best part about this is that in every single one of these steps in the cycle, there is space for changing that trajectory.

Taking that breath, slowing down, and thinking about what your choice is gonna be. after we [00:15:00] have a feeling, the next thing that's gonna happen is we are going to have a physiological reaction. Right? So, Erin, what would be some of the things that happen to you when you get angry?

Erin: the first thing is that tightness in my stomach, my heart pounds, I feel my shoulders getting tight, I feel my face getting tight. But the first thing for me usually is that, URGH in my stomach, 

Cinnamon: Yeah, mine usually is happening in my throat because as a historically reactive person, my first go to is to, tell you all the reasons I want to throat punch you. so if I have to like hold my tongue for a minute Then I'm going to feel the fact that I'm having to hold my tongue when my tongue really wants to wag and so I feel it in my throat and in my jaw and It's uncomfortable and when we're interpreting things negatively it very easily could just generate a few [00:16:00] physical reactions, as well as completely kick us in to fight or flight mode, right?

So when I'm having those physical changes, it's also going to translate into my body language and how many of us can figure out what somebody is feeling, whether or not they say a word. Right? the way you look at someone, the way your posture changes, the openness of the body, all of those things can change on a dime, and we may be communicating something before we ever even open our mouths.

So like I said when you're holding your tongue, That urge that I'm describing is what we call the action urge and the action urge is what happens in the cycle after those physiological changes For a lot of folks it takes a lot of effort to be able to manage The action urge because so many of us [00:17:00] can use the phrase I spoke before I thought I acted before I thought, and then we end up regretting things that we said, or we have to go around and apologize.

And so being able to extend that time between the action urge, what we feel compelled to do, or what we really want to say to someone, before we ever even open our mouth, the more we can, add Seconds to that space between the action urge and the actual action is going to be to our advantage And for a lot of us when we start this work, there is no space It all kind of blends in together and it's all one thing But the more we do all different kinds of work We can start to see that space stretch and we can make better decisions about what actions we take. 

Erin: Even with the awareness of this, that does not mean that you aren't going to have a reaction. You know, and [00:18:00] especially considering how big situation it might be for you. there might not ever be a space for you to not react because the situation is so deep and hard for you.

important to say that because I know how hard I beat up myself sometimes. Like, I know better, I have the tools, here I am, not being conscious of how I react, and some days I'm good and some days I don't do so well. And so, knowing that, even with the awareness, there are going to be times where we still forget that we have a choice in how we react to it.

Cinnamon: Going off of what you just said about, sometimes there's going to be times that whatever that activating event is, it is so big or so triggering that we're more likely to react.

Part of what I do tell my clients is that when we teach them a tool, I expect them to learn it in session and then I expect them to go [00:19:00] home and have a situation and completely forget what they learned. Like, there is zero expectation that just because you know it, you're going to be able to implement it right away. Because we are breaking not only a pattern, but we're breaking a habit.

Erin: Yep

Cinnamon: we get into interpersonal relationships where we start to have patterns, people know how to,they know how to

Erin: get underneath our skin 

Cinnamon: Yes! Thank you, I'm trying to find a polite way to say it, but yeah, The one thing my husband knows to do when he's mad at me and wants me to also be angry is say the word to me Whatever and I'm like we about to roll because I hate that phrase right so that is automatically gonna activate me So it is very natural because now he knows that I don't like that word So now I know he's trying to piss me off, right?

So it would be an easy free pass for me to react in the way that he expects me to react [00:20:00] But for me, it's important to change those problematic behaviors that don't make me feel good in my body. and it's hard to have a conversation after we're all pissed off. when it comes to Implementing this, yeah, first time, you're not even going to think about it.

Second time, you may think about it after it's over, but you're sure shit didn't use it. Third time, you may remember that you have this tool, but you don't give a flying fart because you're ready to rumble. Right? Like, it's that moment where I'm like, I don't even care. Like, I'm pissed and I want to be pissed and I want to tell this person off.

Erin: Yeah, you're not thinking about the consequence because you're in fight or flight and so you can't bring yourself down to be rational and, reasonable.

Cinnamon: Yes. I mean, Rumble is the fight, right? yeah, you're kicking yourself over into that. And then it may look like the next time you remember it halfway through, and it's gonna be a hard shift, [00:21:00] right? Like, turning around the Titanic. And then eventually, you start to be able to hold that tongue. You start to be able to turn that reaction around.

And then eventually, you get to a place Where it's not a tool that you're using. It's just simply your way of being. And that is so cool. So yes, I don't expect anybody to be fluent in anything that they learn in therapy right out of the gates. if you're seeing your therapist once a week, There's a shit ton of other hours that you're not.

So it does take time utilize and then reinforce those behaviors. And then, feel fluent. I had a English teacher in high school that said, you know, as far as our vocabulary, if you use the word three times, it's yours. And I can tell you the only word that I remember from my junior year vocabulary is And I remember the third time that I used it, I write, I'm like, let me explain who I am.

[00:22:00] I'm not being serious.I can take a joke. I'm actually just keeping the joke going because people, especially boys love it when you laugh. And so when you keep the joke going, they're like, wait, but I was funny. Did you not get that? And I'm like, I did. We're just... Bantering! 

So yes, there's going to be times that it's big enough that you're going to react and it may supersede this, or it may feel too complicated to use, but ideally the end goal is that you are able to take that time, that space, know that you have the capability of making changes, allow you to feel empowered, And also take ownership for your feelings and your actions rather than saying, You made me mad. 

Erin: Yeah. I can't even count how many times Cinnamon and I have had a conversation about something that we would have reacted completely differently too. Like 10 years [00:23:00] ago, , and then we can celebrate like wow God if that would have happened before man I would have been there would have been some blows being thrown but look at me. I used my tools I behaved in a way that I'm not gonna regret it and Well, I'm a grown up, you

Cinnamon: start to become just your way of being, right? nobody is necessarily still seeing us, on the regular go, trying to bite our tongue. It's that we've practiced it enough. That now we're just fluent in it. So going back to the behavior chain after you have that action urge and you've Been able to acknowledge like I want to do something that may be a little inappropriate and it's not good for my long game It also can be that action urge almost like dissipates because you don't have to [00:24:00] resist Doing something negative or inappropriate and so then you get a Make a choice.

What are you actually gonna do? And What behavior are you gonna follow through on? Knowing that as soon as you take that step the next thing that's coming are your results, right? whether it's that negative consequences or the positive rewards and most of us need to learn this because we have a shit ton of negative consequences and We can also see how When we do it differently, we get that positive reward, and it reinforces us, wow, that was a lot smoother than when I have to,recover from the shit show that I create, or apologizing that I have to go back. 

Erin: We can't always out a balance decision making sheet before we have a reaction so we can choose what is the consequence worth this reaction? Like [00:25:00] the pros and cons of both sides. 

Cinnamon: con, sheet. Yes. and the reason I use the word results there is because when you open up like a DBT workbook, it will say consequences in this part of the cycle. And I feel like that only leaves us a little bit of room to acknowledge that this can work to the positive too. So when I say results, it's a neutral term and then we can see both our rewards well as 

Erin: consequences.

Cinnamon: Consequences or the negative as well I always think about it. Like what is your end goal? Is it to be an effective communicator? Is it to get through a dispute? Is it to elicit better communication.

Like if my goal in an argument with you, Erin, or even my husband, is to be right, then I probably need to go back to the drawing board. Because [00:26:00] that's honestly not usually what my goal is. My goal is to be understood and to be heard and to give you something to consider that's different, whether it's my opinion or a different way or how I feel.

But if I don't, I just had a brain fart... 

Erin: Your brain fart was so big, it actually pushed you back in your chair. Ha ha ha!

Cinnamon: So, oh, okay, I remember, I remember where I was.  So I have to think about like what that endgame is, right?

And is it to be right or is it to effectively communicate and when I move my Feelings out of the way, it's usually to effectively communicate because being right doesn't get me shit There are no prizes for being right But there are prizes and rewards for communicating more effectively in relationships.

So you get [00:27:00] the result And the result becomes part of the lesson and the next phase in the cycle is labeled as vulnerabilities. I'm not a huge fan of this word since working with first responders, I'm like, could we not have used a better word than something that has the root of vulnerable in it? But I like the idea that the things that make us vulnerable to reacting a certain way, And that can be as simple as I haven't had my cup of coffee yet, I didn't sleep well last night, or Grandpa Joe touched me when I was five. it can be anything and everything that has ever happened before this moment that is going to influence my interpretation of an event.

Erin: Notice I didn't say it's gonna influence my feelings. Because it doesn't influence my feelings. It influences my interpretation. So [00:28:00] those vulnerabilities feed into the end of the cycle, which is also the beginning of the cycle, which is the activating event.

Cinnamon: And so if something happens and I handle it in a way that does not serve me, the next time something similar happens, I'm going to have it in the back of my head what my results were last time. This is also where we get to acknowledge that there are certain things that trigger us, right? So I get mad when Ed tells me whatever and that's because I have a whole big chunk of vulnerability around that that I have decided that that feels very disrespectful and it's part of an old narrative that came along long before Ed did

Erin: and it just gets me going so I also can handle a situation better and be like, hot damn, I didn't do that.

Cinnamon: And I got laid. Right? Like that was a good, like there's a result, right? [00:29:00] Like, okay, if I don't act like a dick, then I can get some action. So. To break this down again, we've got your activating event, what actually happens, and then instead of having our feelings, we have our interpretation, and that interpretation then births our feelings, which is why I say you cannot make me mad, and I can't make you mad, because if I could make you mad, I would make you happy.

Erin: Right,

Cinnamon: clearly I can't do that on command, I don't have that much power.

Erin: right, and that's something that you often hear, too, is nobody can make you happy but you. Outside things cannot make you happy. And people don't understand, but if I just had that house, or if I just had that boat, or if I just had that motorcycle, or if I just had that hot supermodel wife, no, no, no, that's not going to make you happy. That's not the part. so it's both sides. 

Cinnamon: will say to kind of like give those folks that are saying that a little bit of credit it can make us happy for [00:30:00] about five seconds. And then all of a sudden that gets normalized and we take it for granted and we move on. No, I tell a story of a little girl that I used to have in my life that whenever I showed up at her house.

She would ask me, what'd you bring me? and so I got in the habit of bringing her little teddy bears or little stuffed animals. And it was like, she would like love it and squeeze on it. And then she'd throw it over her head and that would land on her bed with a hundred other stuffed animals.

And I was like, she's an ungrateful little shit. I'm not bringing her anything. What I started to realize was she was getting a dopamine fix and it made her feel good for a hot second and then it was over and Even for myself, I think about some of the places that I lived in while I was an active addiction

Erin: was just laughing because I'm like picturing you thinking to yourself like, I'm not going to be this girl's drug dealer, her dopamine dealer. I'm like, not going to do that. Mm hmm.

Cinnamon: all honesty, she was living such a difficult life That she would have this one [00:31:00] little spark of joy That it simply was not something that could be sustained by a stuffed animal because of what was going on And so rather than me just reading that particular situation. I had to read the bigger context And it wasn't that she was ungrateful, it was that she had figured out what made her happy in the midst of some horrific chaos.

so going back to the housing thing, thinking about the places that I've lived, when I was, actively drinking, compared to how I live now and my beautiful home, it's like worlds apart. But every once in a while, I get a little pissy about my house. And I have to stop myself because I'm realizing I'm slipping out of gratitude because I've normalized this.

This is how I live now, and it's real easy to forget how I used to have it, and I get comfortable with how I have it, and I have to remind myself. When we're going [00:32:00] through that, right? So, I can't make you mad. I can't make you happy. Your interpretation or thoughts about the event that are often fueled by those vulnerabilities Is where the feelings are generated.

when I break it down, people will understand then, okay, I get what you're saying. because it sounds very confusing at first when I say, I can't make you mad. They're like, the hell you didn't. And when I explain it this way and they see that chunk of, what narrative are you creating around this event based on whatever story you're telling yourself and whatever your past events have been, then that's gonna be what generates my feelings.

So this is the example that I've given for a long time with my mother and I when I explain the behavior chain. The activating event is that it rains. I am the daughter of farmers. My parents were farmers. clearly for those of you who are familiar with farming and the farm [00:33:00] life, rain is a good thing.

And so when it would rain, my mom would always get so excited. And she might, grab a book and a blanket and snuggle up and read something and be perfectly content and happy, So the activating event is that it rains. And my mom's interpretation or thought is rain is a good thing, the crops need it, it's been real dry, hasn't rained in a while, all of those farmer wife comments, and that generates her feelings of positivity, of relief, of pleasure, of coziness, all of that.

And that allows her body to physically relax. And so her action urge is irrelevant because it's not a dangerous one. It's to pick up a book and a blanket and snuggle. And the results are that during the rain, she got to finish a book, or she got in a little nap and everything [00:34:00] that ever happened to her was there have been droughts and she understands how rough farmers can have it when it doesn't rain.

And so that's her vulnerability going into it. My vulnerability going into the activating event of rain is Thanksgiving Day 2005 when I hydroplaned two miles from my parents after driving all the way from Chicago and totaled my Mitsubishi. So when I see it rain, it doesn't even matter if I'm not leaving my house.

I immediately have this very negative response. and I've even said I would rather drive in ice and snow than rain. I hate rain. so because I have this story about rain based on a past event, my feelings go straight to the negative. And my physical response is all of those things about aggravation, right?

I'm like, and I can feel it ripple through my body. And my [00:35:00] action urges to start bitching.I tell everybody the story about how I hydroplaned on Thanksgiving Day in 2005, two miles from my parents house, I was late for dinner, and I disrupted everybody, And, as a result, doesn't get me anywhere but grumpy.

 So the activating event, the fact that it rained, does not generate my feeling, because I have to have a story. About the activating event and when my clients are talking about like road rage. I'm like, well, okay change the narrative What if what you can't see is that there is a pregnant lady giving birth in the backseat right now?

and they are on their way to the ED to make sure that mother and child are safe you might have feelings of grace and compassion and empathy versus how dare that asshole cut me off, does he not know who I am? And if you have a spouse like mine, who likes to yell at the other driver at the [00:36:00] top of their lungs, Even though that other driver can't hear them, only, your partner in the car can.

Super annoying. And then he's all worked up, 

Erin: and I don't like it. you know who this facilitator is, he'll say, you can get angry when you're driving on the road and someone flips you the bird, or you can imagine it's half a peace sign. 

Cinnamon: Half a peace sign. 

Erin: remember that? 

Cinnamon: I 

Erin: Okay. 

Cinnamon: who you're talking 

about. 

Erin: So

Cinnamon: Oh, that's hilarious. 

Erin: there's something.

Cinnamon: Exactly, so I'm not trying to be an ass or even challenge a client when I say they didn't make you mad but it's an interruption You know because we like to tell those stories and if my job as a therapist is very different than a friend Right a friend's gonna go. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. You're right and 

Erin: Unless I'm your friend. 

Cinnamon: unless you're right And then you're like stop the bullshit

Erin: right. 

Cinnamon: it acts [00:37:00] as that interruption And as much as we can initially read it as how dare you take away my ability to blame somebody else to Holy shit. I don't have to do that anymore and I can say as a person who formerly loved to get under people's skin It is a showstopper When I can't

Erin: so much so that we call each other, 

Cinnamon: Absolutely so yeah, if you don't want somebody to feel like they can piss you off, then this is the tool for you, because if somebody is intentionally trying to aggravate you by, I don't know, things like saying whatever, then by not reacting in a way that's anticipated, you take away their power

Erin: Zap! 

Cinnamon: to control you. Boop! AndI love this one. It's like one of my favorites. 

Erin: Yeah. 

Cinnamon: take it to bed with me and I snuggle with it.

Erin: Yeah. Like adverse childhood [00:38:00] experiences. 

Cinnamon: Right, but part of this is about adverse childhood experiences, right? That whole category of vulnerabilities, yeah. 

Erin: yeah. 

Cinnamon: And I think people are surprised when I say it can be something as easy as I haven't had my first cup of coffee for the day, and it can be as complicated as I got bullied in fourth grade. So, 

it's a really powerful tool and it can open up exploration for what are those vulnerabilities that have gotten you where you've gotten in this behavior chain.

Erin: Mm hmm. like we said, we'll put this in the AfterTheTonesDrop. com resource, page, but we'll also put a link to that in the show notes so you can access that plus many other resources with ease. Or if you feel real called, you can go to Whole House. com and check out the billions of resources we have on that page, [00:39:00] but either way, we'll make sure you guys get this.

for any of you folks that want to make detective. This is your first opportunity, so enjoy. Congratulations.