Marian Cosgrove

Where to begin…my early years were nothing short of amazing. I had an amazing family that did fun things and was provided for very well by loving parents. My separation from life began after a sexual assault as a juvenile that led me to feel as if a spaceship landed and dropped me off on earth as a science experiment. As years progressed the only thing that caused me to fit in was alcohol….my best friend, a warm blanket of comfort and of course…liquid courage. After two failed marriages and a low spot in my military career of 10 years I knew I could either be a low life, self centered, worthless piece of crap that I felt like inside OR I could give 110% at everything I did and make a go of it. So off I went trying to conquer my goals. From the outside it looked like “I had arrived” but on the inside I felt like they were going to walk in any day and say “Marian, you’re a wonderful person but just not quite good enough to be here.” The problem with giving 110% is there actually is no such thing. My insides never matched my outsides. Life went on and my drinking took on new proportions. The phenomenon of craving was a “thing” since the start but the mental obsession started decades later when I found myself working as an police officer and wondering why my hands were shaking mid-day and why I would have missing segments of my evening with my kids as a single parent. I just KNEW I had brain cancer! I mean I wasn’t homeless under the bridge, I trained for triathlons, dinner was on the table every night and I never missed work. My life was “normal” to me and my delusion landed me in a treatment center realizing I had lost my my house, my car, my job and most importantly….myself. Near the end I had looked down the barrel of my service weapon and wondered if that was the way to make it all stop. I was ready to start a new way of life. I got out of that treatment center and arrived outside the door of my first 12 step meeting where I lived and I froze…”Holy crap, I’ve arrested half the room”. I was paralyzed with fear. That fellowship of like minded people scooped me up and loved on me until I could love myself. I found a sponsor, worked the steps, found a higher power that is ever evolving, and carried the message to others. I eventually got a job back in policing, continue hanging with my “like minded tribe” and life is amazing. My outlook on society has taken on a whole new meaning and I realize that we are all cut from the same Cloth and I simply meet people where they are at today. Without my bottom, without my 12 step fellowship and without my Fellowship of something in the Universe that is more Powerful than me I wouldn’t be here today. Life is AMAZING!