Pain Into Purpose: Your ATTD Host Reveals What's Behind Her Curtain

EP31: Pain Into Purpose

This is gonna be a strange and unique and kind of out of nowhere episode today because I felt like i needed to get on and share something with you all thathas taken place and kind of unfolded and truthfully it is basically my backstory as to what got me in this line of work.

So if you have not figured out by now this is Erin and I am all by myself. I felt really compelled to be open and honest with the experiences that i've been experiencing lately that stem completely from grief.

And from experiences that I did not know had the tremendous effect on me that they have. 

So as you can see not really looking like my normal self tonight because this is one of those impromptu situations that i've kind of created. I think this is really where the rubber meets the road when pure authenticity comes into play and when honesty comes into play.

So i'm not sure how much any of you have picked up on my story there's been little pieces that have trickled in and out over the past six months that we've been recording if you don't know I wanted to kind of give you a backstory so that it makes sense when i tell you the strange things that have been occurring over the past several days in my life.

Back in the day, 15 17 years ago i've always had this thing where i have somehow inadvertently always ended up dating a man in uniform in some capacity.

That it wasn't something that i was looking for. I guess it's that A type macho personality. I don't know what it was most of the time I didn't even know that they wore a uniform for a living. Until i got to know them a little bit more. And you know I'm saying it was probably like 17 years back because i really have no recollection of the exact timeframe that happened. But it was definitely my early 20s and if you don't know I'm in my early 40s now.

So anyway, I have dated all different types of and men in uniform. Starting really in my early 20s with a man who was military police who was deployed which created a massive ripple and interesting impact on my life. From him to a firefighter. From him to a cop and then later down the line I ended up with another firefighter.

Through my time and dating these men in uniform I had lots of interesting experiences and eye opening experiences. Things that i didn't find out until way way way later. A lot of the things that i didn't find out until actually working with you first responders a lot of it was stuff that I put together.

after hearing your stories or

really getting a good understanding of what it's like

behind the scenes

behind the badge

if you will

and it's really changed my opinion on a lot of things

we're gonna fast forward through the first military guy

and through the first firefighter

and kind of go into the cop

because he had some hard experiences

he's still active

don't even think that he knows that i exist

in this world

and i think

quite frankly

if he knew that i existed in

this is what i was doing nowadays

it would blow his mind

this is how life works

life comes full circle

and sometimes we go through experiences in life

and we can't really figure out why

and at the time

it feels super painful or really

really challenging or

i know for me

i felt very resentful

at the chain of events that took place

in that relationship

quite frankly

was toxic and i was toxic

and he was unwell

i mean he was rightfully so unwell

at having experienced an officer involved shooting

fairly early into his career

which evolved into a lot of

bashing his name and smearing his name

as many of you know

and we've talked about this on past episodes

that the last thing any officer wants to do is

pull out his gun and use his gun

right that's worst case scenario

you know these things don't happen because

people are on their best behavior

these things happen because

there is a chain of events that take place that

these things occur

i don't wanna go into too much detail about his story

because that's his story

and i do wanna protect his name

but the fact is

the version of him that i ended up getting

by the time i got into a relationship with him

was likely not the version that he was prior

and therefore

we had a pretty unfaithful

treacherous relationship that ended up

ending in a pretty ugly fashion

and part of the reason that it ended and

reason that things went so sour is because

as you may know

from my talking on different episodes that i

i'm in recovery

i am a recovering alcoholic

and by the time i got to the end of that relationship

my drinking was

it was out of this world

it was out of control i was

i was a tornado

every freaking person that came into my life

i wrecked it in some capacity

and it's part of my story

it's part of what's made me who i am today

and i can look back

now and say that i don't regret any of it for sure

doesn't mean i'm proud of it

it just means that it's made me

this strong version of who i am today

so that relationship did have to end

and i think the fortunate thing is

is it got so bad that i ended up getting sober

very shortly after that relationship ended

and fairly shortly into

my recovery

i ended up meeting a man

i never intended on meeting him

you guys know what i'm talking about i'm sure

and if you don't

then you're probably not an alcoholic

so that's great

probably don't have an issue with alcohol

so that's great

but i remember making a comment when i was in

a meeting one day

and the comment was

all cops and firefighters are cheaters

they can't be faithful

of course that is far from true

but that had been my experience

and i had just decided that i was gonna lump

everybody up into this one box

just pile them all in there

and that was gonna be facts

while the interesting thing is

while at this meeting

this man whom i didn't know was a firefighter

was there and heard me

exclaim these beliefs that i felt so firmly in and

of course i was sharing from a place of pain

he and i connected on various occasions and one day

he was leaving the meeting

and i did some like child like nonsense

like threw my phone number in his window

actually that's exactly what happened

i'm just kind of embarrassed to admit it

but threw my phone number in his window and said hey

call me sometime

we should get together

the thing is about him was he was like this dark

mysterious kind of dude that really kept to himself

that i wanted to pick his brain so badly

just could not resist

and inevitably

and eventually he did end up calling me

and we did end up hanging out

and you know

we went out for coffee

and it was one of those things where it's like

the getting to know your questions

like where did you grow up

where did you go to school

did you go to college

oh and what do you do for a living

easy question right

seems like a super easy question to answer

except for the fact that

he wouldn't answer that question

he told me that he worked for the city

because he already knew how i felt about firefighters

and police officers

and my experiences that i had with them

and he wanted to protect himself

and potentially see where our relationship

or whatever was happening could go

and his story was

had i really known what he did for a living

i wouldn't give him a chance

which i mean

he could have been right

but i really don't know that he was right

i think i still would have given him a chance

i kind of had a massive crush on him and whatever

so later down the line

we had been kind of

seeing each other for a little while

and i went back to his house for the first time

and when i walked in

he had an office right next to the door

when he first walked in

and on the wall and his office were plaques and

firefighter memorabilia and all different kinds of like

knowledgements and awards and certificates and

little figurines and all the shit that just screamed

hey i'm a firefighter

and i just looked at him and he just looked at me

and i was like

you are a damn firefighter

and he was like he's still interested

and i was like well it's too late now i'm in

and we kinda got a little chuckle out of it

but here's the thing about this man

that i called dark and mysterious

is that he was dark and mysterious for a reason

he had experienced some pretty significant pain in

his life and as you know

seen the things that can't be unseen and experienced

the things that can't be unexperienced

i didn't understand what that meant

i could not even fathom the depths

of darkness of the things that he had experienced

that kind of made him who he was

our relationship ended up progressing

and i do believe that he gave me

all that he was capable of giving me and he was

an incredible human being really

he had his stuff like we all do

the pain for him

the things that he felt inside

were too challenging to even begin to put into words

so that i could understand

but he did his best

not only did he do his best

but i truly feel like he

attempted to push me away to save me

i don't think that he wanted me to see the other side

see what was behind the curtain

because what was behind the curtain

was really frightening

and he wanted to protect me

and any of you out there

that come home from work and the wife says

how was your day honey fine

you don't want them to see

you don't want them to know

you don't want them to experience

you wanna protect them

and i do think that

was exactly what he was doing for me

but on top of all of that

he coped in the same ways that i coped back in the day

with alcohol

avoiding and he definitely tried therapy for sure

nothing felt like it was helping

and even though we met in the world of recovery

nothing was fixing that humongous painful

festering wound that he was experiencing inside

about nine months into our relationship

after he had already suffered from

trip to the icu

based out of a self harming experience

after me standing by his bedside

thinking i can save him

if i just love him enough

i can ensure that he will never be back in this icu

i really really believed that

i really believed that i thought

love can get anybody through this

and so i do wanna reiterate that

it had nothing to do with him loving me

but i really

truly feel like he didn't know how to love himself

and didn't feel worthy

of this relationship and didn't know what to do

or how to not feel the way that he was feeling

and so he did get out of the icu

and we went back to business as usual

as if nothing had really happened

several months had passed

after that particular situation had happened

and he was acting strange one night

and i couldn't figure out what was going on with them

i was very puzzled

he was disconnected

he was stumbling he was

words were slurring

he wasn't making a lot of sense it

it was just so

out of left field i mean

even the days leading up to this particular evening

he was off there was something off

he would leave the room and he would come back

and every time he would leave the room

and he would come back

he'll be a little more off

a little more wobbly

a little more

just fucked up

i don't even know

i don't even know how else to say it

that's really what it was

when we finally went to bed and we woke up the next day

and i could tell

he was just trying to push me away and push me like

it was the most bizarre thing

it was like he was trying to make me mad

enough that i would leave

and what i think now is that he was

trying to protect me

so he could do what he needed to do to

not feel or to feel

ease

so we had gotten into an argument

i had decided that i was gonna leave

i was gonna go someplace else and work

and i had forgotten my computer bag

and when i turned around and went back inside

i found out exactly what he had been doing

for the last couple days which was

the most idiotic thing

and at the time

i couldn't understand

but what i do know

and any of you know that have

worked and had an administration to answer to is like

you will get busted

they will drug test you

they will find out

and so there was only a

very few substances that he could actually use and not

lose his job

this is all things that i've kind of put together

and i'll let you guys

i don't know

visualize whatever the hell you wanna visualize

i don't again wanna put too much of his stuff out there

for whatever reason

in that moment

when i walked in on him

and saw what he had been doing for a couple days

it was like i heard this voice

it wasn't even a voice

it was this gut

deep visceral

knowing feeling inside my soul that i

needed to stand up and say something about it

that no matter how much i loved him

i just knew that if i stayed there

and tried to save him once again

that i was gonna go down too

and for whatever reason

in that moment

i said i love you

but i love myself more

and i can't sit here and watch you do this to yourself

and he did the whole okay then get out

and i did

and so for two straight days the phone rang and rang

and for two straight days i sat on my phone

i gave my phone to my friends

i put it on mute

i distracted myself

and then one morning

the phone stopped ringing

and it was silent

and at first i thought well

maybe he just got tired of calling me

maybe he just figured that i was really done

what i was was protecting myself

what i was doing was letting him

figure this out on his own

and he did

so later in the afternoon

after the two days of the phone ringing

and then stopping

i got a phone call from his neighbor

who happened to also be my insurance agent

so he had my phone number

and on the other line is this dry

emotionless voice

and he just said

erin he's dead

and in that moment i crumbled to the floor

i've never experienced

pain quite like that in my whole entire life

and

it's just one of those things that

unless you've experienced it

you can't put words to it

so

i did what i've always done

and i pulled myself up by my bootstraps and i got busy

and we've got through the funeral and the whole thing

the whole gamut happened

and the administration came out

so i definitely am not trying to speak ill

about whatever they felt like they needed to do

but definitely have my own opinions about

how things were handled

and all i wanted to do

was go in his house

get some stuff that reminded me of him

of us

be as close to him as i possibly could considering

and most of those things that

were special or important to us were gone

because they had been removed

and i

shut the door in his home for the final time

to whatever

normalcy

i thought i could create

and the way that i did that

was by doubling down on staying busy

by picking up more hours at work

and traveling for work

and hanging out with people

and going to meetings

and keeping myself so busy

that i couldn't feel a damn fucking thing

and wouldn't let myself cry

unless i was alone

or i was in the safety of people that i trusted

in a meeting

but you know what i didn't do when he died

was drink

i was not going to let him die in vain

i was not going to let

him leaving this earth take me out to

i knew that there was something way bigger

out there for me

i just didn't know what

so i cried when i did need to cry

but i sure as hell stayed busy

later down the line i ended up meeting my husband

who by the way

should say is not a man in uniform

like i said in the beginning

that i've probably ever dated in some capacity

even if they weren't a man in uniform

they were you know

a gym rat or just had that whole vibe

and my husband does not have that vibe

and it was a unique experience to

get into a relationship with a man

who is unlike any other that i had ever been with

but as the years passed and i you know

we have a couple kids now and everything else um

different roads started opening up for me

different opportunities started opening up for me

i started to see that i was really good

at being a helper

i was really good at

seeing through into people's true pain

and helping them come out on the other side of it

like there was just something about

the resiliency of being in the depths myself

and many capacities

and many that i never have said on this show

but i can just tell you that i've been there and

i think that that is what makes me so unique

and what i do

and what makes me really understand you guys

you gals the way that i do

but the whole reason i tell you this long crazy

sad story is because

several days ago

now he's been gone for 12 years

i should say

and several days ago

couple days after his birthday

i was on social media and out of the damn blue his

facebook profile pops up and is active again

now you know

i have my feelings

my brother said it's probably a hacker

you know how they do

they get in there and they

whatever the hell they do

they reactivate these accounts

and then they use them to scam people

and he's probably right

but the fact of the matter is that

it knocked me so far off my axis

i felt like i couldn't breathe and

that night i had this dream

this dream that was so real

that is actually a reoccurring dream

but this time it was real as

seeing my kids in the morning or my husband at night

it was real

and there he was

me on one side looking over a sea of people

so many people like almost like at a party or something

and all of the people were blurry except for me and him

and what i looked at him

i thought how are you standing here

you're dead

how are you here

and

he didn't say anything to me in the dream

but i got this real sense of him saying like i am here

i am watching you

and at one point

i even like laid my chest or my head on his chest

just to hear his heart beating again

and in the dream

of course it was beating and

when i rudely got woken up by my alarm clock going off

all i wanted to do was go back to sleep

and see how that dream ended

like i felt like there was something more for me to

understand or learn about his passing or about

who i have become

and so for the past several days

i've been in a tremendous amount of grief

and this has come so far out of left field

because i thought i had moved through this

i thought i had process all of this

but what i'm seeing is that it's because of you guys

because of all of you

the way that you've opened my eyes and let me see

that every thing that he had gone through

everything that he had suffered through

all of the reasons

why he could no longer be on this earth

or so that i could be here for you

and so when i hear your stories

it helps me understand his pain

when i support you through your breakthroughs

it helps me feel like i'm helping him in some way

because i really

truly believe that he does look down on me

if you believe in that

or there's some way that he knows that his death

was for the greater good

was for the bigger picture

for the past several years

since working specifically with first responders

i can't see my life being anything but that

you guys are

the first thing i think about when i wake up

and the last thing i think about when i go to bed

cinnamon and i together

are constantly thinking of the next right thing

the next thing that we can do to help you see

feel understand and heal

it is our driving force

because

i wanna be sure that no

first responder ever has to feel

the way that he felt again

to the point that he

felt like he couldn't be here anymore

so

there's something about understanding

what's behind the curtain

of the person that you tell all of your deepest

darkest secrets to

and so it felt really important for me to tell you

what's behind my curtain

why i'm here and why i give a shit

i know that doesn't have to be like that

i know that it doesn't have to be that painful

and i really believe that there is hope for all of you

that are still trying to figure it out

and i trust and believe that when you're ready

you know where to go

so

there's a little tidbit about erin

and i met him in the rooms of recovery

there was something about him that i