Sharing the Load: When Giving Your All Means Less Than Half

EP90: Sharing the Load

Erin: life happens to all of us, and sometimes we are just not capable of giving 50 percent in any of our relationships. 

Cinnamon: there's a lot of vulnerability in conversation, we think that it's emotionally risky. but after we do it. We might find that it's not at all what we thought. 

Erin: There's no way to break through that belief. Without getting some real validity in the conversation we're having in our head. disproving it by DOING the thing! If we can train ourselves to believe certain things, we can train ourselves to believe things that are more supportive and productive as well. 

Cinnamon: It's the nature of the give and take. To dig deep and be honest that opens us up for our common humanity. When we take those risks we're actually disproving, those fears that keep us in place of avoidance.

Erin: allowing someone to practice empathy to support you can be the thing that breaks the belief that you have that someone might judge. You can't be a giver and not receive support that's actually one of the most selfish things we can do is taking that away from others. 

Erin: You're listening to after the tones drop. The mental health podcast for first responders.

Cinnamon: We're your hosts. I'm Cinnamon, a first responder trauma therapist. 

Erin: And I'm Erin. A first responder integration coach.

Cinnamon: Our show brings you stories from real first responders, the tools they've learned, and the lives they now get to live. 

Cinnamon: [00:00:00] Hey friend, it's been a minute since I saw you last.

Erin: Been a minute since I saw you last probably, hours. I don't know. 12 hours. I think

Cinnamon: I think we've, didn't we leave closer to like nine?

Erin: 830 maybe Maybe

Cinnamon: so I mean, we're cruising up on a little over 12, maybe like 14 hours.

Erin: and I will see you again in like another five

Cinnamon: Right. Yes. And prior to that, we had a good 24 separated. We had a really busy week. we should probably share why we've, been together so much. So this week we had six, count them six. Trainings at a fire department where we got to talk about the things that we love to talk about actually in this situation, with, people that we love, not theoretically, but people that we, we really know and have spent some time with.

So that was fun. so yeah, we got to do [00:01:00] six. Presentations of the same training.

Erin: Yeah, and I feel like the feedback was pretty darn good. You know, we had some blank stares, but for the most part, people were engaged and supportive and the information is invaluable. So we'll see, hopefully they use it. I did get to share my vision of, everybody doing some kind of mindfulness activity, four, seven, eight breathing at the beginning of the shift.

I don't know if we're quite there yet. 

Cinnamon: are probably more likely to get your, vision to come true than like Steve Martin's about like the Christmas. You know his Christmas wish where he's like all the children, right? And he keeps backing it up going and then and then maybe like a million dollars and then all the

Erin: I don't know. Um, but

Cinnamon: We'll have to we'll have to get you that well and then on top of it. We're in Ohio. So we've had the [00:02:00] craziest snowstorm that Ohio has seen in 10 years. So we're also trying to, navigate roads and make sure that we're coming and going in ways that don't get us stuck in snow drifts. So it's been a, a cortisol and adrenaline filled week.

Erin: Oh, yeah. And we've been talking a lot about that.

Cinnamon: Yes. So because of, coming off the holidays, With the new year, everybody is in different places with their bandwidth, whether it be logistical bandwidth and how much time, especially when they've got all these additional things in their schedule, or it be the emotional piece, Where this is, a tender spot on the calendar for a lot of people, whether it be, grief over loss or people who aren't here at this time or, relationships that, aren't, ideal.

I guess we can say. So as we've been navigating this week, people have gotten to see Erin and I function [00:03:00] as a team. And one thing that we're really good at, wait, what were we going to say? 

Erin: I'm like, you said function as a team and I'm just like, yeah, we were functioning. No, we were doing great. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But

Cinnamon: we've, done relationships trainings and one of the things that we, we call on is, our, friend and guru Brene Brown and how she talks about, relationship contribution and, One of the things that I think we don't talk out loud about, we don't name, but that we do it. So whether it's a business relationship, a friendship, platonic, romantic, what we're going to talk about today can be applied to any relationship where collaboration is the norm. We've gotten feedback that people see that in us. And we know that we do that, even if we've, okay. Never like labeled it as such

Erin: so are we doing math in a way?

Cinnamon: [00:04:00] we're doing social work math, right? So Brene is a PhD in social work and social work. Math is very different than standard math. So no, no worries if you don't remember your, last algebra lesson, this is, this is pretty simple, like second grade, maybe even first, I don't know what the kids are doing these days at what level, but yeah, it's addition and subtraction and then it's like nothing harder than that.

Erin: percentages, and I don't think they're doing percentages and.first grade, but what Brene Brown actually talks about is how we have this idea that relationships should be 50 50 and fair. Like I expect you to pick up your weight in this relationship or in this circumstance.

And this happens with our colleagues at work too, where somebody is pulling more weight than the other. And. It's just not fair. [00:05:00] And the unfortunate thing is, life happens to all of us, and sometimes we are just not capable of giving 50 percent in any of our relationships. So, we can be considering the fact that like, maybe you had a rough shift.

Maybe you had four runs after midnight. maybe you're already in current conflict with your spouse or something like that. That makes it a little more challenging. And the goal is to figure out, okay, we still get to support each other and our families or our coworkers by figuring out what percent we're actually available to bring.

And that's Can the other person, is the other person willing to bring the rest of the percentage to equal a hundred? So rather than 50 50, it might look like 80 20 or something like that some 40 60. Whatever that math looks like to you.

Cinnamon: 10, right? Like, like, I think everybody knows those days where it's a 90 10 split. [00:06:00] I'm doing my best to get out of bed and maybe that's out of exhaustion or, illness or just like, Being done

Erin: Mm hmm.

Cinnamon: now and that the biggest thing is that again, that communication piece, Because if we're not communicating and we are having this whole inner dialogue or internal monologue about how we're getting the short end of the stick and the other person isn't pulling their weight, then we're going to typically come with an attitude, right?

Like if we don't say it, our face and our behavior well, I mean, there's a lot of vulnerability in that conversation, initially, or maybe even just like in theory at the beginning, before we do it, we think that it's emotionally risky. but after we do it. We might find that it's not at all what we thought.

 just talking about you and I, Erin, over the last three years, there's been different times where each of [00:07:00] us, we're really good at balancing out the other. And if I can only give 10, you can carry 90. And if, I can, do 80 if you're in a place where you're aware, I can only give 20.

But the biggest thing is like that communication and also recognizing what you can give, right? It doesn't work if you're like, no, no, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. And I can give what I normally give. You can expect that out of me. That's when we are setting ourselves up for conflict. Cause if the expectation changes, right? So it is the ability to come to your apartment, apartment, come over to my apartment. Um, come to my window, like never, Melissa Etheridge shows up, she's like outside going cinnamon. I only have 40%.

Erin: Mm hmm.

Cinnamon: Um. No, you, you come to me and say, this is where I'm at. Here are the things that we need to do to either run our household or run our business [00:08:00] or whatever we're doing

Erin: Run our shift.

Cinnamon: run our shift, make sure all the kids are fed, bathed, schooled and slept, whatever that looks like.

And we're honest and say, listen, today is not the day all I have is 20%. And I love how, Brene Brown explains this In a, a conversation with her husband. She's like, I hear your brother. I got your 80%, I I've got you and I can, cover that, but it's about the balance, It can't be the same person over and over, coming and saying I can only do 10 or 40 or 20.  It's the nature of the give and take.

Erin: Yeah. part of it is about like this unspoken agreement between two people. like, I've got you. And I trust that you'll do the same for me when I need it, but Like Cinnamon touched on, it is about that vulnerability. It is about the agreement and being honest and coming up with a way that you can make this work.

It's so much more than just saying, I'm run down today. I can only give [00:09:00] 20. there gets to be some kind of understanding of what do we do in those times, a plan, a goal, how can we maintain to bring that a hundred percent, no matter how that looks. And it might not be the same a hundred percent that you're typically bringing.

It just gets to be the agreed upon a hundred percent for the day. I think what this is it does allow for people to be human and have their moments and for us to not be disappointed in the other one because we don't have outrageous expectations because we're all on the same page. I saw you grin.

Cinnamon: Yeah. Cause I'm thinking like, if I'm running on fumes and we have an established system where I get to tell you that and be honest, that also is creating an opening for us to become closer because I'm also going to tell you maybe here's why I'm running on fumes. Right. This is what my days have looked like versus just saying I'm fine.

 And then, Doing [00:10:00] what needs to be done because ultimately there are gonna be days where I say Erin I can only give 20 and you're like girl. I got 25 and that's it. That's a level of like If you come to me and say, I only have 25 after I tell you I have 20, I'm like, wow.

Because our initial response is going to be like, I got you. So to dig deep and be honest that I'm in a place to that opens us up for our common humanity. Regardless of the nature of our relationship and that might be the time that we say, okay, our 100 percent doesn't look like what it did yesterday.

And maybe we are giving ourselves permission to go, sit on the couch and, eat dots, pretzels and doughnuts. And drink Coca Cola classic and watch movies

Erin: Or take a nap.

Cinnamon: or take a nap.

Erin: Right. Taking [00:11:00] care of ourselves. But. I think that why this is so important is because of this conversation too, that often many of us feel alone, or feel like nobody will get it. when we have done our family trainings in the past, we have watched couples not have the ability to communicate what they need with each other.

 And so establishing something like this in your relationship is an easy way to open up new communication. new ways of supporting one another and one not feeling like they're pulling all the weight while the other one is in breakdown all the time and there's no understanding of why that might be. 

Cinnamon: Yeah, I think we get into autopilot so much that we miss opportunities I read this somewhere in preparation for presentation we were doing and it said, When we stay in avoidance, whether that's, we don't drive by something or we don't talk about something or we don't see [00:12:00] someone, or we just say we're fine, or we go isolate because isolation is just avoidance, in a different kind of way. 

If we are feeding into that, craving to avoid, we are losing the opportunity to disprove our fear, So if I just keep telling you that I'm fine then I am on the struggle bus trying to get the laundry done or I'm on the struggle bus, producing the next episode, then that's fine.

It may get done, but what, did it do to me or you to, finish that? How much are we now in the red? Because we didn't communicate while we were at the black and, ask for grace. And when we do those things, when we take those risks and step into that vulnerability, we're actually disproving, if we're with the right people at the right time, we're disproving.

All of those fears that keep us in a place of avoidance, which is [00:13:00] they're not going to understand. They're not going to put up with that. They're not going to be sensitive to the fact that you're tired or you just don't have it in you. the expectation isn't going to change. They're still going to be mad.

They're going to give you shit. they're going to go bitch about you. Like whatever that story is, we will never get the opportunity to see that it's not true. And that's a real disservice to our partners.

Erin: And ourselves.

Cinnamon: and ourselves.

Erin: There's no way to break through that belief. Without getting some real validity in the conversation we're having in our head. And how do we do that? By disproving it by DOING the thing! It's like this weird cycle and this, interruption And it goes back to Building new beliefs and New Neuropathways to Healthier Thinking and Coping It doesn't mean it's easy, what it means is that we have trained ourselves to believe certain things.

And if we can train ourselves to believe certain things, [00:14:00] that means we can train ourselves to believe things that are more supportive and productive as well.

Cinnamon: there was something that I was holding in my prefrontal cortex very gently, like it was an egg because I knew that if I let it go, I would forget it. But I was also trying to be real present and listen to what you were saying. And so now I'm just gonna, if you can just play that Jeopardy theme song for a minute while I, 

Erin: do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. 

Cinnamon: you. Oh my gosh, we should implement that, right? When we're like, God, where was I? And then one of us just starts singing it. So while we were doing, this, training this week over and over and over again, some parts of it are interactive and one of the things that came out of it were the commonalities of why we see our first responders not sharing.

And one thing that I found, so interesting was the idea that nobody else cared, Like, I don't want to burden somebody or, or nobody else [00:15:00] cares, or they won't understand. And I'm like, do you see all of yourselves saying that nobody understands who, or the fear of, like, if you all were in that boat, like, Saying me too, Brené Brown says the most powerful two words in the English language are me too. what a thick, tall wall we have created between us and others that disallows us to truly connect with other humans.

Erin: Mm hmm. Yeah. So I would say this is like a challenge for our listeners. We've been doing that a lot more often, like challenging you to try something new, challenging you to open up options for different interpretations in life. so the challenge this week would be when you're feeling low, give yourself an opportunity to take that breath and really be honest about it.

It doesn't have to be with everybody. It can be with that one person. Mm your spouse in [00:16:00] particular, if you have one, your best friend, you know, your mentor, whoever you feel like you can trust. and let people actually step up around you and support you and take that other percent, whatever that other percent is that you might need support with.

It's that concept of we all have the ability to And in fact, we want to in a lot of ways. But it's the story we have wrapped around it. The the fear of judgment. The fear of being alone. The it's easier to isolate all these concepts. that we create to protect ourselves that get in the way. And so allowing someone to Embrace their ability to practice empathy to support you is such a gift and also can be the thing that breaks the belief that you have that you're not worth it or that someone might judge.

Cinnamon: Yeah, so show up with your eighty and your empathy. I like [00:17:00] that. 

Erin: Yeah. 

Cinnamon: Like we said like we're both at 20 or we're both even at zero There is absolutely no shame in tag teaming the couch and ordering takeout life is messy. we know that if we could do something differently about it, you know great, but days happen months happen years happen and And We are all going to need help and I find that it is a privilege to be asked by someone for my help because it allows me to be in contribution and it also tells me our relationship is intimate enough and I trust you enough that I can, be honest with you about that.

So, life's messy, relationships are messy, and why would we not take advantage of the opportunity to navigate that mess together?

Erin: Mm hmm. Yeah. And you can't be a giver and also not receive support because that's actually one of the most selfish things we can do is taking [00:18:00] that away from others. it's hard, but it's very, very important. It's very, very important. So hopefully this is something that is a tool that you can find supportive and can help you think and navigate your relationships in a little bit of a different way.

we have watched this work. With various couples that we have had the gift of sharing this with folks have shared messages with us and told us their stories about how they're seeing their partner step up into this space where they're like, yeah, man, I, it's been a hard day. I'll take that 80 percent for you.

You put your feet up and just the way that it's changed the relationship dynamics for them. So hopefully this is something that you can implement into your life.

Cinnamon: And then level up to say, you know what, I see you, and I got 90 if you bring 10. I got you. And that's, that's what the relationship trust fall looks like. And especially with first responders, you [00:19:00] you all will put your lives on the line for each other. And then there's still this, snag when it's asking for help or asking for support.

And maybe you get to be the one, let you be the one that, starts that cascade of making it okay.

Erin: Yeah. And speaking of making it okay, lastly, I, I want to, send our thoughts and our prayers and our love and light out to everybody in California these wildfires. We had the opportunity to actually speak with one of our friends who is a Los Angeles County firefighter last week, like days before these horrific fires started, talking about his experience out there.

And I know that they're fighting really, really hard to contain this thing. And obviously we know about loss of life and we know about people having to evacuate. And so if we can just keep those people in mind, because they are working tirelessly and, It's crazy how that timing all [00:20:00] played out to have him on the show right before this began.

So it'll be interesting to circle back around with him if we get the chance to see what they've done to Support each other through this chaos, and I'm sure it's just a lot of adrenaline and coffee. 

Cinnamon: Well, Erin, you, messaged with him the other day and he kind of gave you a little insight on what their. days were looking like I mean, when something like this happens, this is not something we see in the Midwest. Like, how do you change up staffing to keep everybody, safe and functioning, but also make sure that there's coverage 24 seven and keeping this, as under control as possible. 

Erin: Yeah, he said, they're fighting fire for 24 hours. They get 24 hours to rest, but they don't get to go home. or he doesn't at least. then they're back on the fire for 24 hours. So goodness, it's unbelievable. mad [00:21:00] respect. For all of you that are dealing with that and um, just yeah, so much love and good vibes being sent your way for the families and people that are being affected.

 So, didn't want to wrap up today without letting you know. Those of you know that are out there that we're thinking of you and we love you and this 

too shall pass like things do no matter what. Yeah. And please stay safe. So until next week, friends,

Cinnamon: You're not alone.

Erin: we'll see you soon.

Erin: Thanks for tuning in to today's episode of after the tones drop. We've been bringing you some real mental health insights And we'd love to hear what you think. If you're enjoying this show, take a minute and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform. And don't forget, share this podcast with someone who might benefit from it. A big, thank you to whole house counseling and Nova's home mortgage for sponsoring today's episode. 

And a special shout out to Rob Maccabee for writing and producing our shows. music just a quick reminder. After the tones drop is here for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for medical or psychological advice. If you're in need of help, please reach out to a mental health professional in your area. for more resources. Head over to after the tones drop.com and check out our resources tab. We really appreciate you being a part of this community. Thanks for listening and sharing.